HAPPY WOMAN MAGAZINE - A PARODY OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

Offensive Driving: The Driving Style of Choice

By Elaine Langlois

The defensive driver maintains a generous distance from other vehicles. The offensive driver stays just centimeters from the bumper of the car she's following. This can become a test of nerve and skill, particularly when 17 cars are rolling along in the high-speed lane and simply breathing on your brakes could cause a multi-car collision, something that can really ruin your day. Do not pass. Instead, intimidate the other driver into getting out of the way. Flashing your lights, swerving from side to side, and beeping the horn may help. Do not use rude gestures, although it's OK for your kids to do so.

Defensive drivers seem to think that special care should be taken when sharing the road with school buses. This depends, of course, on whether your own children are riding in them. Along the same lines, you should not feel any compunctions about cutting through slow-moving funeral processions and even tailgating the hearse. As Lily Tomlin said in Nine to Five, "He's dead. He doesn't mind."

There has been a lot of high talk about the so-called dangers of cell-phone conversations while driving. Does this mean you should give up, while weaving through rush-hour traffic, discussing tomorrow's sales conference or Johnny's orthodontia? Should you perhaps pull over? Absolutely not! Talking on a cell phone while driving is no more dangerous than any other activity routinely engaged in by operators of motor vehicles, like reading a newspaper, fixing one's hair, or changing a diaper.

Offensive drivers dislike the peremptory tone of traffic signs: Yield. Speed Limit. Stop. You should always proceed directly through a yield sign, as the other driver will almost surely "chicken out." The true speed limit is, of course, as fast as you can go without getting caught. When you come to an intersection controlled by stop signs, cross immediately, even if it isn't your turn. Taking turns is for losers.

Defensive drivers use special care in nighttime driving. Not offensive drivers. Simply turn on your high beams and proceed just as rapidly and recklessly you would in daylight. All will be well, although you may notice a few faux pas on the part of other drivers due to temporary blindness, as well as a little roadkill along the way.

In any driving situation, stop and think: who is the most important person in this scenario? You, obviously. So put yourself and your priorities in the front seat, and drive on over the rights of other people.

Elaine Langlois can frequently be found driving defensively, much to the annoyance of some other drivers.