Live an Oprah-Approved Life Each and Every Day
You may not know Oprah Winfrey personally,
but it doesn't feel that way, does it? Through the magic of television
she appears in your living room, confiding her most intimate trials
and tribulations, and hugging the heck out of her favorite guests. And
you know she'd hug you, too, wouldn't she! Or would she?
Whereas some psychologist hacks might ask,
"Are you leading an authentic life?" the real question is,
"Are you leading the kind of life worthy of hugs from Oprah?"
Please read our handy checklist below: It is your guide to the secret
of living every day in a way that allows you to state with confidence,
"If Oprah met me, she'd hug the heck out of me!"
Are you gorgeous AND concerned?
As long as you are both, you are worthy
of an Oprah hug each and every day for the rest of your life.
Take as your prime example the hunky interior
designer and frequent Oprah guest, Nate Berkus. Don't we ladies swoon
over his haunting blue eyes and his swept-back, expertly gel'd hair?
But Nate isn't just a handsome wizard with
fresh paint and a grouting gun. See his brow furrow with concern over
the decorator-challenged among us-those who believe, for example, that
pink-and-chartreuse foil wallpaper will spruce up the guest room nicely.
See Nate perform freebie makeovers at Oprah's command, and then return
to her show for some well-deserved hugging. And kissing and squeezing.
And pinching and hugging and kissing.
Have you taken a leave of absence from
your job to raise houses?
Depending on how much pain and suffering
you experience in the service of raising houses for others, volunteering
for this selfless activity can make you deserving of an Oprah hug each
and every day for up to five full years. Please review the following
pain-and-suffering Oprah hug schedule for raising houses.
- Five years - you end up losing your job
AND you sustain a serious injury.
- Four years - you lose your job OR you
sustain a serious injury OR you sustain a face-disfiguring gash.
- Three years - your boss gives you a pay
cut AND you sustain a minor injury such as a sprained ankle or non-disfiguring
gash.
- Two years - your boss volunteers along
with you AND you hate your boss.
- One year - same as Two years AND your
boss sustains a serious injury.
- Six months or less - you don't personally
raise any houses, but you stand around encouraging others.
Have you reunited a lost dog with its
owner?
What is more heart-tugging than an adorable
pooch frantically wagging its tail upon catching sight of its loving
owner after a painful separation? Nothing is, so start placing raw meat
out on the front stoop pronto.
Note 1: Dog and owner must have been separated by at least 250
miles, or we'd all be stealing dogs just to reunite them with owners
down the street. Note 2: Since Oprah has dogs of her own, this
item is guaranteed to generate hugs, at least until the next reuniter
breaks your distance record.
Are you willing to let Oprah's producers
film your struggle with a pathetic life problem?
First, remember our Happy Woman motto: Don't
do anything pathetic by halves, or it's not worth doing!
Here are two of Oprah's favorite viewer
afflictions, either of which WILL get you hugged, that is until you
are no longer pathetic.
1. You are colossally overweight, or on death's
door with anorexic emaciation-your choice! To obtain full effect, your
mode of transport must be a forklift or a stretcher-not your choice!
2. You have children so vile that they have
at the very least embezzled most of your retirement savings.
We say "at the very least" because
really it would be marvelous if your vile children have been trying
to poison you to death recently. It's two birds with one stone! You've
cleverly rolled the evil-child angle and the death's-door angle into
one pathetic life problem. Here comes Oprah with extra hugs!
©
2006 Kate Heidel
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work
includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's
resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips
to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW ARTICLES
BY KATE HEIDEL
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