EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Raising Your Ungifted Child

By Elizabeth Hanes


Your dim-witted child also must learn how to express herself appropriately. She must always appear cheerful and perky, except during sad movies, operas, and funerals, when she must cry daintily and elegantly. She should be aware of current events and her stand on them. Fortunately, the main current events never change, so she can formulate her opinion at an early age and keep voicing it for the rest of her days. Topics to concentrate on are: homelessness, poverty (especially starving children in third-world countries), and world peace. Memorizing a few choice phrases, such as, "I believe each of us needs to reach out and build a bridge to the homeless and the poverty-stricken in order to bring about world peace" also will serve her nicely during the Miss America pageant. These sorts of statements, delivered in a breathy, high-pitched voice, are sure-fire husband magnets!

Obviously, not all dull-witted girls are going to grow up to be Pamela Anderson. You must accept your child's limitations, after all. However, with a little extra effort from you, perhaps some acting classes and plastic surgery, your ungifted child can, indeed, become a decorative, if not productive, member of society. And when she presents you with grandchildren, well.all you can do is hope they inherit their IQ from their father.


©2001 Elizabeth Hanes All Rights Reserved