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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Does Size Really Matter?

Dear Savannah,

Please lay to rest, once and for all, the argument that size matters.


David S.

(not the David S. that works in Brighton, East Sussex, but a different one, possibly even a David S. that isn't based in England at all)


Recently, my mailbag has been chock full of messages about organ enlargement. Thirty or forty times a day-ding-ding!-my computer alerts me to new e-mail, and I discover it's a message from some poor soul offering to enlarge my organ, even though I don't own an organ and am, in fact, tone deaf.

Still, it brings up the whole issue of "does size really matter?" On an existential level, I'd have to say, yes, size does matter. Size is what separates us human beings from common dung beetles, for example. If we were the size of dung beetles, we probably never would have put a man on the moon, as putting a man on the top of the local elm tree would have been sufficient, nor would we probably have invented super-sized French fries, as there's no point creating a foodstuff too large to eat.

Certainly, on other levels size also "matters." I've never encountered such a thing as "too large" a martini glass, though I've encountered ones that were "too small." I've also encountered martini glasses whose components were disproportionately sized-a stem too long to grasp firmly and a rim too thick to get the lips over. Clearly, if you can't get the liquid into your mouth, then there's a problem. Size obviously matters in this regard.

Furthermore, consider the oak tree. Its massive trunk thrusts skyward. Its broad crotch positively screams, "Climb up and sit on me for a few minutes or even a whole afternoon." Why, many a time I've straddled a thick branch as it sways in the breeze, squeezing it between my thighs and riding it like an untamed stallion.

But I digress.

What does all this mean? It's a question I constantly ask my therapist.

Of course, when we say "size matters," we're not talking strictly in terms of "largeness" mattering. And here is the paradox: when it comes to romance, "small" definitely matters, too. For instance…

If you arrive to find your "macho, footballer" blind date wearing a small amount of mascara, consider it a bad sign.

If your online sweetheart emails you an introductory photograph and her eyes are smaller than her front teeth, you would be justified in suddenly taking a vow of chastity and moving to a monastery in Peru.

In relationships, then, where does "largeness" generally matter? Gifts, obviously. Trust funds. Credit limits. Towing capacity. Square footage. Carats. Percent alcohol by volume.

And smallness? Nose. IQ. Surviving relatives.

So, you see, Dave, size does indeed matter. Follow these guidelines and you'll never fail at…well, whatever it is you're trying to do.

Good luck, dear!

  ©2004 Elizabeth Hanes

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