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The Scandal School

By Pamela Miller

Rumor mongering and faux scandal are the touchstones of American life. They are not mutually exclusive, but reside in the same general vicinity as the corner store and the local barbershop. Of course my neighborhood has a 7-Eleven and a Great Clips, not the unique Mom and Popism of a Grant Wood painting. Add to it the Tongue Piercing Annex next to the Babies ‘R Us, and one gets a better depiction of Strip Mall America circa 2007.

Since many people yearn to be famous, at least on a vicarious level, the only question is how far they will go for acclaim or infamy. The easy route is to be born rich, abuse the trust fund, and make certain that a video camera is nearby. It takes slightly more effort to win a lottery or associate with known felons, and further more effort to become a pop star, model, or athlete. (Cosmetic enhancements are strongly suggested for the latter route. Please note that Bonnie and Clyde looked nothing like Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty. Times have changed. If you expect someone with perfect pores to play you in the movie version, start using a moisturizer now.) There is no question that poor impulse control and reckless spending, with the ubiquitous ill-thought marriages/relationships, are required.

Even if one has made all the right choices about being with all the wrong people, one still must ask whether he or she has the moxie to pull off either the scandal or the accompanying money problems, bad decisions, poor hygiene or loss of face. Ask yourself the following questions:

1) If you won/were awarded $115,000,000, would you go to your normal place of work the next day? Just to gloat? (This supposes the person had a pre-fame job in the service industry.)

2) If they made a mini-series about the scandal of your life, would you ask for a cameo even though you are not being portrayed as a decent human being? (This requires some real thought. This isn’t “abusive to parking lot attendants” bad; it’s closer in essence to Adolph Hitler bad.)

3) If someone wrote a Top 40 song about how terrible you are, would you admit the song was about you? Would you love that the song was about you and request it at Karaoke bars?

The next questions have to do with your shame quotient:

1) Would you show off your ability to play “Chopsticks” in front of a concert pianist?
2) Would you wear a Viking hat in a crowded coffee bar?
3) Have you ever appeared on a reality show?
4) Have you ever stopped strangers to tell them you were the model for a children’s toy, action figure or department store mannequin?

The latter questions focus on all-around decency:

1) Have you ever had too much fun? Discuss the negatives of over-indulgence, especially on a weeknight.
2) Have you ever had trouble that melted like a lemon drop? (Metaphors are fun!)
3) Could you spend ten days alone with anyone? (This means completely alone, no sycophants or posse members allowed.) Could you spend ten days alone with a former relationship? Especially not with a former relationship? Would ten days alone with anyone spoil any relationship?
4) Have you ever touched the water near a recently erupted geyser even though every 10 yards is a sign, written in many languages, stating that the water on the ground may be dangerously hot? (This isn’t a question of intelligence. It’s a question about curiosity. Come up with all the reasons why touching the water near a recently erupted geyser is not a demonstration of poor judgment.)

Now that it’s been established that you possess the drive, talent and ego for instant infamy, and further discovered that you have sketchy values, curiosity that will only get you in trouble, poor boundaries, an inability to bond with people through troubled times, and an education that could at best be described as spotty, it’s time to define your long-term options. The James Dean Model, “Live Fast, Die Young, Leave a Beautiful Corpse,” is popular. On the down side, you actually have to follow the credo and make an early exit. The Chameleon allows one to reinvent at whim. Most of us are limited to one created personality. The Puffy Face, the former idol who now lives on residuals and appearances on “Where Are They Now?” specials is pathetic but riveting. The Cell Buddy is very popular in confined spaces, but has a knack for irritating judges and parole boards. The Vapid Heiress requires at least $115,000,000 to pull off.

By picking your friends well, it might be you getting the cameo in the film. And you will look beautiful, a great big shining star.

Copyright © 2006 by Pamela Miller

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Pamela Miller saves the world by day, writes by night, and wishes she could find a hotter place to live than Phoenix. The world is simply too cold.