The 'Science' Behind
Birth and Babies - What you need to know!
By Emma
Rowley
All women love
babies. That's a given. But how much do you really know about the
'science' of babies? This special health report gives you all the
facts you need to impress your doctor or midwife and go from a baby-dummy
to a super-mommy! 
Where did
my baby come from?
The first question
you will ask yourself when you become pregnant is this: where did
my baby come from? The simple answer is that no-one really knows.
Babies have been around since the fourth century BC, perhaps longer.
The Hope Indian
tribe believed that babies were a punishment from the Sun-god on
women who failed to do their household washing according to tribal
custom. But nowadays we do not believe this! Modern science suggest
that babies are the result of a complex chemical reaction that takes
place when women inhale chlorophyll from household plants.
How long
will my pregnancy last?
The factors
determining the length of your pregnancy depend entirely on what
you ate in the weeks before becoming pregnant. Inuit women, with
a diet that is high in fish and molluscs, can expect a baby in two
to four weeks. The average western woman should expect to be pregnant
for at least a year, though some women have been known to carry
a baby for twice this length of time.
What are
babies made of?
Amazingly,
babies have very similar structure to us! A baby's genetic makeup
is 98.7 per cent identical to ours. The only living things that
they more closely resemble are fresh-water prawns and black-capped
dwarf marmosets, both of which make ideal playmates for a newborn.
What will
my baby look like?
When babies
are born, they are completely covered with a dark grey or black
fur called felt. Felt offers your baby protection against the cold
of your womb. A womb is typically the same temperature as an ordinary
household refrigerator, so it is easy to see why your baby needs
a warm coat.
The felt will
rub off naturally as your baby ages. By three months of age, you
will begin to see your baby's peachy flesh showing through the fur.
Some mothers save their baby's felt and use it to stuff commemorative
cushions.
You may have
heard people say that all babies look alike, or that only a mother
can tell her baby apart from any other. There is a medical reason
for this. When you have a baby, your eyesight typically improves
by 30-40 per cent. This is why so many new mothers work in the electronics
industry, where their superior vision allows them to build tiny
circuit boards.
It is important
that you realise that your baby will be very small. It is likely
to be the same size as a mid-size watermelon, or a well-grown Spaniel
puppy. The reason that babies are so small is that they can be easily
transported (this is known as portability). But babies have not
always been this size. Fossil remains show us that the ancestor
of the common, domestic baby of today was 2-4 feet in length, with
a thick, scaly hide and sharp teeth and claws for tearing meat.
It's hard to imagine Anne Geddes dressing up one of those guys in
a super-cute bee costume!
What is
the father's role?
As most people
know, until 1923, almost all babies born in this country were born
to men. But tireless campaigning by the women's movement meant that
after 1923 women were given the right to bear and give birth to
children. Women proved to be so good in this new role that now almost
all babies are born to women.
Nonetheless,
it is still possible in some cases to get a government license for
your husband or partner to give birth for you. For more information
on this, you should contact your local department of public health.
Heavily pregnant
women need to spend 14-18 hours a day eating. This being the case,
the houses of pregnant women are often littered with foodstuffs.
This can encourage stray animals into the home. Although there have
been a number of well-documented cases where she-wolves attracted
by food have proven to be an invaluable help in raising children
(see Soccer Moms and She-wolves: the Perfect Parenting Partnership
by Dr WW Lupus), it is usually advisable to chase away wild animals
which try to enter your home. Your child's father should help you
to do this.
What will
happen when my baby is born?
In the final
stage of pregnancy, you are likely to experience a pleasant tingling
sensation in your stomach. This is the sign that your baby is ready
to be born. You should sit down and get comfortable - birth can
take as long as 25 minutes!
Once your baby
is born, you may experience a slight feeling of fatigue. Doctors
used to recommend a pint of Guinness, but thinking has moved on
since then. Most midwives now suggest Cinzano.
What should
I do with my baby?
If you have
ever cared for a goldfish, you will have a good idea how to look
after a baby. They need plenty of fresh water and will appreciate
a nice piece of greenery. Beyond that it is really anybody's guess,
though studies do suggest that babies enjoy the haunting music of
the bagpipes and a wide selection of cheeses.
Fun baby
facts
· All
babies are born French. (Don't worry, this will not harm your child's
development, but if you want your baby to speak English, you should
talk to him or her in a firm but well-modulated British accent.)
· In 1993,
40 per cent of babies born in this country were named Kelvin.
· The
fastest baby on record is Jim Renson from Ohio. He was measured
travelling at an amazing 97 miles per hour.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emma Rowley
is a Londoner and sometime writer of educational 'science' articles,
including:
* Am I getting
older or younger?
* Personal
hygiene - good for me, good for everyone.
* Food: when
to eat it and when to throw it away.
OTHER HW ARTICLES
BY EMMA ROWLEY
| 
