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 Valentine
Articles
Single and Pathetic? 4 Tips
for a Romantic Valentines Day
by Jessica Dolce
It's February 14th, the day of
all things sacred (teddy bears, wilted roses from the gas
station, boxes of dusty chocolate from the drugstore), and
you've found yourself man-less. Have no fear my fragile single
friend. Just join the hoards
of single women across the country staring into the beady
eyes of Valentines Day and utter the defiant rallying
cry "I'm single and pathetic and I'm not going to take
it anymore"! As a reward for your goddess-like
approach to this dreaded holiday
here are few tips to make this Valentines Day your best one
yet.
1. Start your day with an indulgent,
relaxing bath for one. Don't forget to light lots of lead-based
candles and play your favorite muzak! Now, take a deep breath
and run your hands over your whole body. As you're doing this,
mentally calculate your BMI (that's
your Body Mass Index) and tally up every one of your flaws,
especially that pesky fat
behind your knees. Finish up with soothing words of encouragement
for yourself, something along the lines of, "If
I had just stayed on the liquid
Hollywood Diet I would have had a man by now".
2. Head over to your local lingerie
shop and try on all the sexy, strappy, rib cracking, get-ups
that you never have any reason to buy. Ask the salesgirl for
her opinion (they love this sort of thing) and then proceed
to tell her how lonely and sexually frustrated you are. Cry
in her arms and wipe those tears on something silky (you deserve
the best!). Don't buy anything.
3. Call your best friend and ask
to speak to her husband. Proceed to grill him with questions
like, "How come you never
asked me out?" and "What's your wife got that I
don't have?" Ask him to list all of your qualities that
he thinks single men find
repulsive, especially the things you can't change, like your
height. This information will come in
handy later.
4. Finally, you should end your
night by doing something festive, like stopping by the hottest
bar in town. Remember,
you're a confident woman who's comfortable going out solo!
Grab a seat at the bar and start ordering shots by
the bucket. When the mood feels right, approach every man
in sight (even the ones with girlfriends will be flattered!).
In your best husky, come-to-bed voice, but loud enough to
be heard over the techno, tell the man of your choice
that you're single, desperate, and hard-up for a man. Ask
him if he wouldn't mind being your Valentine for the
night. If he looks like he's going
to say "No", don't be afraid to throw the promise
of cheap sex on the table. And if
he starts to walk away, slip your hand through his legs and
cop a quick grab of his package. At least you got your
hands on the best part, right
Ladies?
And so another Valentines Day passes
into the bowels of your single history. But don't you feel
like you treated yourself
to a very special day? That's because you are special, as
long as you're not single!
© 2003 Jessica Dolce
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Dolce is unemployed and
pretending to be a freelance writer to get some respect. You
can read more of her unpaid work at Guavamag.com. Contact
Jessica at: ladolcevita78@hotmail.com
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