EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Kick That Silly Terrorist Habit In Eight Easy Steps

By Diane Sokoloski

So you're going along nicely and then one day BANG, you wake up with the realization that you might be a terrorist. Still not sure? Take this simple test.

A) Are your friends always wearing clothing items like balaclavas, mysterious pouches, ropes and swords, which seem a bit too Ancient Civilization?

B) Do you frequently find yourself at meetings where the discussion is always the same topic- Total Infidel Annihilation?

C) Is your nickname King of Ka-Boom?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, don't fret for it is not too late to make a fresh start.

Here are some tips for terrorists whose lifestyles are getting them down because their lifestyles are definitely getting the rest of the world down.


1. Eat more fibre. Without resorting to crudities, not to be confused with crudités, perhaps the reason you are so frustrated and angry all the time is due to sluggish innards. Take the All Bran Challenge. In two weeks, not only will William Shatner pay a visit and sign autographs right in your bunker, the world will be a much more peaceful place. Healthy body, healthy mind...twisted colon, twisted thoughts...and by the way if Captain Kirk does visit you don't even think about doing him in, or you will suffer the wrath of a billion Trekies the world over, and that is one war you CAN NOT WIN!

2. Find a hobby. Much the same as teens who continually hang out at the mall, the need to obliterate all those who do not see your point of view is a sign of boredom. Why not seize the opportunity, channel your energy and create a fun terrorist board game. Call it Infidel Pursuit and let the world breathe easy. We can all sit down together and play the game. The West will snap it up like hot cakes, making you guys rich in the process, a WIN WIN situation!

3. Develop a better fashion sense. Unless you are members of a performing arts troupe like Cirque de Soleil, dressing exactly the same as your full grown guy buddies is NOT COOL! Anyway, women are not attracted to that sort of intimidating power getup. . Phrases like "Is that a stick of dynamite in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"or the ever popular "kiss me quick you fool...before my lips turn to shrapnel" lose their flirtatious appeal rather quickly. Reveal those handsome faces to the world. You're sure to be noticed in retro 70s tie-dye headgear in a wicked fuchsia, yellow and sky blue combo. Experiment with other kinds of clothes like kilts, thongs, chaps, spandex pants and Speedos. Someone who is admiring his jaunty reflection in mirrors and store windows does not have time to kidnap people. If you are too attached to your weaponry to completely give it up, try wearing a tasteful sterling silver machine gun brooch on your lapel or a spiffy golden hand grenade tie clip.

4. Put your job skills to better use. Leave the flowers, trees and people alone and instead blow up killer bees, locusts, giant Japanese hornets and photographs of Britney Spears.You do the math. The average human presents no danger to you whatsoever, however the giant Japanese hornet, which is five times larger than a bee, and coincidentally is the same shape as Michael Jackson's nose, will paralyze you in a minute with its toxic venom. Join a theatre company.

With those commanding personalities and precision sword skills you're sure to be cast as Orcs in the latest stage version of The Lord of the Rings.

5. Meet new people. Broaden your horizons and listen to some refreshing, positive ideas for a change like letting kids fly kites or allowing women to smile. Try touching people more and touching people in order to kidnap them or tie them up doesn't count. I mean warm, touchy feely stuff like massage. After a good hot oil massage you'll be so relaxed and sleepy, that I doubt very much you'll feel like blowing up anything. Well, at least not the masseuse.

6. Develop a sense of humour. How a simple sense of humour has escaped the whole lot of you is beyond me, but it's not too late. Would it kill you to go to a comedy club and have a good laugh? Sprinkle banana peels over the floor and watch each other slip around. If the urge to drive a dynamite laden jeep into the side of a moving train hits you, immediately sit on a Whoopee Cushion and get it out of your system. Get together and play tickle torture. Okay, forget the torture and just do the tickle part and no it will NOT mean that you are all GAY!

7. Leave all sharp implements in the kitchen drawer where they belong. Rather than harming people couldn't you just pinch them really hard and let them go? I know it's asking a lot and it would require a major shift in philosophy, but a good pinch can be very satisfyingly painful. Try the pinch on each other first and I bet you'll agree that it really, really does hurt.

8. Start a book club. Read some good books and live out fantasies in your heads like the rest of the human race. The Harry Potter series is terrific, but just in case there is any confusion, Voldemort is NOT the good guy!

© 2006 Diane Sokoloski


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Diane Sokoloski earned a BA in music and BEd as an Artist in the Community. She has performed in children's theatre, political theatre, musical theatre, puppet shows, stand-up comedy and yes- as a street busker. Diane had brief experiences as a police officer and a high school teacher but her psychiatrist advises against talking about it. Diane's writing credits include numerous magazines and newspapers

Diane is working on a children's book based on a true story about a skink who travelled across North America in a lunch box.