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The Daily All-Sorts

Today, Miss Marple had absorbed the front page and a few other items in the daily paper that she had nicknamed "The Daily All-Sorts," this being a slightly satirical allusion to the fact that her paper . . . now provided articles on men's tailoring, women's dress, female heartthrobs, competitions for children, and complaining letters . . . and had managed pretty well to shove any real news off any part of it but the front page, or to some obscure corner where it was impossible to find it. Miss Marple, being old-fashioned, preferred her newspapers to be newspapers and give you news.

-Agatha Christie, Nemesis

[Intro music]

Bah-bah-bah-BAH-bah-bah

Bah-bah-bah-BAH-bah-bah-BAH!

Larry: Good morning! I'm Larry Visigoth, and this is the Channel 9 Extremely Early News. We know you want to hear about those budget cuts the legislature is debating that will shut off funding to the library system and health care for poor mothers and people with AIDS. But first-hey, look, folks, Cammy is wearing a funny shirt!

Cammy (brightly): Hi! I'm wearing a funny shirt!

News Anchor Personalities: Ha, ha, ha!

Larry: And now it's time for our Extra-Special Person Report. Today, our extra-special persons are Laverne Cutworth and Tina Marie Marzipan, who walk around the streets of our fair city rescuing earthworms. So, how did you gals get started doing this?

Laverne: Well, we were walking every day, and we got tired of seeing these poor annelids-

Larry: Annelids?

Tina Marie: -the earthworms, flooded out of their tunnels after it rains, getting squished by cars and kids, so we started picking them up and carrying them to the other side of the street. And now we always take a bucket with us on our walks and take them home to our compost.

Larry: Wow! What a heart-warming story. And now, about those budget cuts, back to you, Cammy.

Cammy: But first, it's time for Stormin' Walt Windermeyer with today's Lawn Goose Report.

Walt: Well, I'm standing out here in the rain, and, as you can see, it's raining. And if you look out your windows at home, you'll probably notice the same thing. Or if you're like my cat, Noodles, you'll go to the front door, see it's raining, and then go to the back door-

NAPs and camerapersons: Ha, ha, ha!

Walt: -because maybe it's not raining there! You'll need a rain slicker for your goose this morning, and a hat and some of those galoshes if your goose is the kind that has feet.

Larry: Thanks, Walt. Now we know you want to hear about the governor's newest cost-cutting measure: removing every other brick from public school buildings.

But first, it's back to you, Cammy, for today's birthday greetings.

Cammy: Well, we've got some … technical difficulties with those birthday greetings,

Larry. So let's go to Rory Palaver for another segment of Money Really, Really Matters.

Rory: Thanks, Cammy. For you ladies looking to save money on cosmetics, I have just one word for you: petroleum jelly. You probably already know that good old petroleum jelly is the only moisturizer you'll ever need. Maybe you even use it to take off makeup or style your hair or for lip gloss or pretty feet.

But did you know that when your teenager comes to you begging for money for face or body glitter, it's petroleum jelly to the rescue? Just hand her a jar, tell her to smear some on, and fling your leftover craft glitter at her! Oh, have her close her eyes, first.

Larry: I always keep a jar handy for my trout lures. Now let's go to Walt for the Worrywarts Forecast.

Walt: Here's the current Doppler radar, and as you can see, there's nothing threatening around. But that doesn't mean that there might not be later, so that our radar would look like the motion scanner in Aliens where the Marines see these blobs (representing aliens) coming at them from all sides but they don't know where the aliens are coming from. (Hey! Above you!) And we could scare the living daylights out of you! So don't stray too far from your TV!

Cammy: Larry, what about those reports coming out of the capital that we'll soon see the end of school phys ed and arts programs and taxes on essential services like people selling candy bars at major intersections and highway entrances?

Larry: Yes, what about them, Cammy? But for all you folks out there who like to eat, it's time for our own Mr. Comestibles and Fun with Interesting Food.

Mr. C: Thanks, Larry. I want to strike a serious note here with today's FWIF. And that is . . . chew with your mouth closed! I can't tell you how many times lately I've seen kids and even their grown-up moms and dads opening wide and giving us an unsightly view of their mastication, menu choices, and dental history!

Leave it to the cows, folks! For more helpful FWIFs, visit my Web site.

Larry: Now, back to Stormin' Walt for the long-range forecast.

Walt: Well, here's our surface weather map, and as you can see, the isobars and isoflavones have mixed together; and now we're looking at the map with the waving arrows that make our viewers kind of uneasy, and we have a cold front, followed by a warm front, which makes it highly probable that we can look for it to get colder, or warmer, sometime later this week.

Cammy: Thanks, Walt. Well, that's all for now. Stay tuned for the Channel 9 Not So Early News! I'm Cammy Fluff-

Larry: And I'm Larry Visigoth-

Together: Wishing you a pleasant morning!

[Closing music]

Bah-bah-bah-BAH-bah-bah

Bah-bah-bah-BAH-bah-bah-BAH!

Thanks to everyone who sent greetings on the Skinny's anniversary!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elaine is a writer and an editor.

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