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Your Career in Sales

If you are fresh out of high school, or have gone to college and somehow failed to get your M.R.S., or are seeking a change in lifestyle, you will find that there is practically nothing as satisfying, outside of marrying a billionaire, as a career in sales.

Qualities and skills. What qualities and skills do you need for a career in sales? Not any! You do not need people skills or a work ethic or a sense of responsibility or common sense or even basic math, since the cash register does it for you. Oh, you may need a little math to figure out your employee discount, if you bother to buy things instead of simply taking them home.

With a career in sales, you can rise rapidly up the escalator of success:

YOUR CAREER PATH

YOUR CAREER PATH

Shopper/Shoplifter > Sales Associate > Associate Manager > Managerial Associate > Managerial Manager > Sergeant Major > Major Major > Yossarian > Branch Manager from Kansas City > Head of Macy's Parade > Martha Stewart

But we do not want to give you the impression that working in sales is easy. It is not all trying on designer clothes and lipstick, getting first dibs on merchandise, and being supercilious to customers. Distasteful as it may sound, working in sales can sometimes involve actual work.

Telephone etiquette. A ringing phone can usually be ignored, or you can frisk through a series of buttons to route the call to Automotive Supplies. Occasionally, however, say after the 23rd ring, you just might have to answer.

Telephone etiquette is very important. When you answer the phone, you give the customer her first impression of the company. Be sure it is the right one!

1. Speak as rapidly as possible.

Thankyouforcallingblockbustervideocanihelpyou.

Strive for a droning tone. You should sound bored, put-upon, and even a little whiny.

2. Let the customer ask her question. Then reply indifferently:

Letmecheckforyoupleasehold.

3. Put her on hold and leave her there until she hangs up. Or get a computer to reply, or better yet, two.

Helping customers. It is really too tedious for you to have to work for a living, let alone deal with customers. Happily, a career in sales requires little contact with the public. In fact, the number of employees actually "helping" customers decreases proportionally to the number of customers, according to the well-known mathematical formula:

As the line at the single open checkout lane lengthens, cluster in small groups with other employees, talking and laughing, or amble idly about. Make sure the customers can see you.

Retailers are gradually shaping the expectations of customers so they will be used not only to having no help whatsoever but to actually serving themselves. Witness the rise of automated checkout lines in grocery stores. Here, in a sadistic sort of role reversal, you can sit behind a desk and read Teen Vogue while customers scan their own groceries and bag them, shepherded through the process by rude, dull, unintuitive machines.

If a customer approaches you, don't panic. Grab the nearest phone and start talking. Take out one of those UPC-checker gizmos and wave it at merchandise. If the customer manages to ask you something, tell her pleasantly that you will find out for her. Then walk away and don't come back.

Indifferent Service. The concept of Indifferent Service is fast gaining hold in sales establishments across the continent. Here are a few guidelines for restaurants:

1. Show customers to the table, and before they have actually seated themselves, ask for their drink orders.

2. If they "need a minute," disappear for 20.

3. Bring them tea without cream or spoons, Coke without fizz, scotch in a dirty glass, etc.

4. Ignore glares and hand signals, and secretly laugh at customers stirring black tea with forks.

5. Make diners wait 45 minutes for their food and then rush them through the meal to make room for the next set of customers. There are many ways to do this. One is to whip away each plate once they are down to the last few mouthfuls. Diners are unlikely to protest because they won't want to seem piggy. If they still linger, slap down the bill (with 15 percent gratuity included), and bring in the next group of customers-preferably with small, ill-behaved children-to hover around their table.

Handling complaints. It is inevitable that customers will complain about a product. When this happens, don't argue. The correct response is to blame the customer's dissatisfaction on the customer. Example:

This bra doesn't fit me right.

Your answer:

You're probably bigger on one side than the other.

There you have it: the beginnings of what is likely to be a very pleasurable climb to success. Put yourself before the customer, the company before the customer, and yourself before the company, and you are on your way to the top in a career in sales!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elaine is a writer and an editor.

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