Happy Woman Parody/Satire

The Survivor Makeup Bag:

What One Makeup Item Would You Wrestle a Rat For? PART ONE

Day 6: Today's immunity challenge was a scavenger hunt through a toxic waste dump left by retreating American soldiers. It was another easy win for Chi Hua Hua. The Hai Karates got all het up and some of them even refused to enter the dump.

We learned later that the HKs booted a designer of toys for children's fast-food meals. I thought it would be the Author. His luxury item is a tattered copy of some book called The Sun Also Rises by Vernon (?) Hemingway. He says he got it from his father on his deathbed and has treasured it all his life and that it was his inspiration for becoming a writer. He is always spouting off quotes from this guy Hemingway. I can tell he is alienating his tribe, even though he's very good at killing stuff.

Day 7: The other tribe is doing this Swiss Family Robinson thing and building what looks like a condo in the treetops, under the direction of a guy I call the Professor. They have rooms with thatched roofs, bamboo pipes for running water, and a pulley system for hauling up supplies. I hear they also have a smoking latrine.

Day 8: Our tribe was getting a little tired of partying and sleeping on the beach and was ready to dig in and build a shelter. Again I was able to be of some help by tactfully putting it in the guys' heads that we should build a lean-to and then showing them how to do it and letting them think it was their idea. I remembered it from a Golden Book I had about Smokey the Bear.

Day 9: Today our immunity challenge was to decorate a coconut like the face of a loved one and care for it. Like Tom Hanks with his volleyball in Castaway.

At the end of the day, the tribe with the best coconuts would win.

One of the Hai Karates was so hungry that she punched a hole in her coconut, which she had decorated to look like her daughter, drank the milk, and plugged the hole with mud. It really sickened me. Like the giant bug sucking out Zander's brains in Starship Troopers. Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor, found out, however, and the HKs lost again. Of course, they voted her off the island.

Day 10: Our tribe is so together. You wouldn't think it would be possible for eight total strangers competing for a million dollars to become so close in such a short time, but it is true. We start every morning with a group hug. Then we spend some time massaging each other's feet and doing social grooming, which we're learning from the island monkeys. After breakfast, we swim. Then we sit around and tan and talk about food.

Day 11: Something is up with Sylvia or, as I call her, the Ice Princess. There is a lot of whispering going on between her and Fabian. I think she is gunning for me as she perceives me as easy prey. Lucky I've been brushing up on my backstabbing.

Day 12: I put a little of my mousse into the rice Fabian was preparing this morning. Just a tad. All the other members of the tribe got sick and I pretended to be sick, too, but really I just ate from the part of the pot that didn't have the mousse. We jumped on Fabian like a pack of rabid wolverines and, after we lost the paper-clip challenge, we voted him off.

Day 13: We have pretty much eaten all our food. There are fish but we have nothing to catch them in. Malburn brought us a bucket of centipedes, beetles, and worms that he had gathered from under fallen logs. He told us, "When I was a child, we used to go down to the woods and eat all kindsa berries and nuts and creepie-crawlies and I don't know what-all and we never suffered a lick for it." It's good that I prepared myself for things like this by eating sushi and sticking my hands in pots of cold spaghetti.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elaine is a writer and an editor.

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