Happy Woman Parody/Satire

The Survivor Makeup Bag:

What One Makeup Item Would You Wrestle a Rat For? PART TWO

Day 19: Soon all those months of preparation are going to pay off. The nights at the gym, when I could have been home watching network TV, purging myself of cellulite and developing these fantastic abs. Those long Saturdays with my stylist, looking for do's and hair-care products that would withstand the scorching tropical sun. The lunch hours in the tanning booth. The Lean Cuisines scarfed in the elevator. The maxed-out credit cards. And the days and nights of shopping.

Searching, searching for the right tankini.

Day 20: When I win a million dollars, you will not catch me answering Dr. Yablonsky's phone or climbing 37 flights because the elevator is out or stealing office supplies or dealing with cranky sick people. No, sir. I will have a mansion and expensive furniture and a lawn-care service and two cars with vanity plates and other people to drive them for me. I will have catered gourmet food, a personal masseur, and designer clothes. A lap dog and a deluxe espresso maker.

And the million dollars is only the beginning. I will have radio and TV and women's magazine interviews and book offers. I might be invited to spend a week the Playboy mansion or star in a movie. Men will be lining up to date me. I will prove to everyone that I'm not just another piece of eye candy.

Day 21: Today our two tribes merged. I wore my floral triangle bikini for the occasion. We moved into the other tribe's condo, which is really nice after weeks in the lean-to. The name of our new tribe is Huis Clos. The Professor came up with it and it sounded trendy, so we all went along.

We got treemail inviting us to an immunity challenge. Now we are competing against one another instead of against another tribe. Whoever wins can wear the immunity talisman, a necklace that gives the person immunity from being voted off.

For this challenge, we had to solve a "connect the dots" puzzle. The Professor, of course, had his done in double time and won immunity. We Chi Hua Huas stuck to our plan and voted off an HK named Varma.

Day 22: Lafe asked to borrow my eyeliner pencil. Inspired by my victory in the rat challenge, he painted his face and went out to hunt wild truffles.

Unfortunately, he got waylaid by a band of cannibals and eaten, or at least that's what we heard. The Professor has spent a large part of his boring lifetime studying jungle drums. By the time the cameras got there we had raided his stuff. The Professor got his Reeboks. I got his whitening toothpaste.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elaine is a writer and an editor.

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