Your Christmas Stars
By Anna Won
ARIES Fed up with a financial matter that's going nowhere fast? Leave it to someone who understands, like your husband. Don't have one? Well then there's really nothing I can say, except to remember that Mars is your ruler, and you must watch the calories.
TAURUS You'll have to listen to a lot of bull this month - "Santa doesn't exist", "you don't have to get married" - any number of subversive slurs designed to shatter your worldview. Take comfort, they're probably coming from a jilted riot-grrl in a boiler-suit. Just hide her Bob Dylan albums and flirt shamelessly with her male 'comrades'.
GEMINI Christmas is the time for being two-faced, so holding out for the best party invites will be a breeze for the Gemini girl. If your new friends ask why you didn't show at their boring boxing-day bash, simply deny ever meeting them: if you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
CANCER The sun in Leo on Thursday and Friday will bring out your creative side, but don't be frightened, a short nap, followed by a flip through the Christmas Prada cat and you'll be back to your bland and materialistic self in time for the weekend.
LEO I know, it seems like all your friends have found their perfect man. The love of your life will come along eventually. If he hasn't shown up by Friday, you may be doing something wrong. I would suggest the Cupid approach: see a guy you like, shoot him through the head with a crossbow, then wait lovingly by his bedside for a blissful post- coma reunion.
VIRGO Being a virgin is so last season, so don't mention your star-sign at any Christmas parties. Most red-blooded suitors will put two and two together and come up with something a little too shy of 69. They'll then head for some lucky slut-chic savvy minx, leaving you to cry into your Cinzano. So, if you want it unbuttoned - button it.
LIBRA The scales of judgment are in hot demand this month: beans, carrots, onions, peas, it all needs weighing properly if Christmas dinner is to go off without a hitch. And if someone offers to "wa-hey your breasts" at a party this Thanks-giving, let them: it's a joke.
SCORPIO As a normal Scorpio girl, you've probably been pampering yourself for weeks in preparation for the big day. If not, perhaps it's time to re- examine your sexual timbre. If you've tried that but you're still not convinced, you're probably a boy and you shouldn't be here. Shoo!
SAGITTARIUS A new moon in the fifth house on Wednesday and Thursday means that astrology is really hard to understand. My advice? Dig out your "If you can read this you're too close" t-shirt and start living.
CAPRICORN Happy Birthday! This is your month to shine, but don't hog the limelight (and risk being temporarily unpopular). Remember, someone else very important was born this month: Samantha Mumba. She's cute, rich and be-boyf'd': a walking new-year's resolution.
AQUARIUS Life's too short to stuff a mushroom, but it's plenty long enough to chop it finely and sauté in a little garlic (great with crackers!) Your man may be a sun-kissed honey from Hunksville, but he's far from bootylicious when he's left to get hungry, so get cookin', good-looking'!
PISCES It's fun to be a fish, but only a femme-fresh fish will be invited to play Twister again next year. Merry Christmas!
ABOUT THE ASTROLOGER:
Anna Won is an anti-neo/retro feminist and can be contacted here.
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