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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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HURRAH! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!

By Kristin Dreyer Kramer

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So while you're waiting for your hair to grow and lighten and the pounds to miraculously disappear, you'll need to start making appointments with the following professionals: manicurists, pedicurists, hair stylists, electrolysists, therapists, masseuses, psychic friends, and makeup artists. Be sure to schedule for both trial appointments and final appointments.

Then, it's time to go dress shopping! Don't settle for less than the very best. If it takes full months of shopping, so be it. But you must look like a fairy princess on your wedding day. You need something that requires a motorized cart to wheel around - something that requires eight to sixteen trainbearers. Something fabulous!

Once you've found it, it's time to choose the bridesmaids' dresses. Don't worry about looking at price tags - because they have to pay! Don't try to work with skin coloring or body shape, either. It's your day, and you can pick whatever you want. If you're a wise bride, you've already chosen your homeliest friends as attendants (wouldn't want anyone to out-shine the bride!). To complete the look, it's best to choose the most hideous dress you can find - and choose a color that virtually no one can wear - like chartreuse.

3) Select the perfect guests.

When it comes time to send out invitations, choose wisely. Invite those whose faces you really want to rub in your joy and happiness. Thus, your guest list should include ex-boyfriends (especially the ones who are much less successful and handsome than your fiancé), all of your female friends who are still single (and who will inevitably be thrown into fits of bitterness and depression - perhaps you should have a therapist on-site), and everyone who's ever said that you'd never get married (especially those who said, "I'd pay to see that" - because they surely will).

It's also wise to have some sort of media coverage at your wedding. What better way to announce your marriage than with your very own newspaper coverage? This plan, however, may take a bit of thought. Perhaps you could get your ex-boyfriends and single friends to protest, weeping outside the church.

4) Cash in!

Since you're getting married, it's your right to receive lots and lots of expensive gifts. To do this, you must have as many parties as possible - engagement parties, bridal showers, whatever. You can't throw these yourself, though, so you'll need to make it clear to each one of your attendants, friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers, and dental hygienists that it's their duty to throw you a party. You are, after all, getting married. And when people get married, other people throw them parties and buy them expensive presents.

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About the author:

Kristin Dreyer Kramer escaped (barely!) from advertising agency life and is now a freelance writer (starving artist) who peddles her wares to a number of publications (under a number of super-secret identities). She recently snagged herself a new husband (Paul), who somehow manages to put up with her incessant silliness. You can reach Kristin for compliments, complaints, and generous donations at krdrkr@hotmail.com. And you can read her bi-weekly column about her recent wedding-planning insanity (it's called "Veils and Flamethrowers") at YourWeddingPlan.