PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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The Vacation Fake-Out

By Pamela Miller

You know what you heard. Someone offered to take you to Saint Petersburg. An hour later, you receive clarification. They would love to take you to Saint Petersburg. But that's not the same thing as actually offering to take you anywhere, anytime, for any amount of money. In fact, the person is surprised you were so easily confused, and uses this as yet another example of all the times your little heart was filled with false hope.

Here is a sampling of such fake-outs that left this writer filled with a minor case of rage.

I'd love to take you to the circus…but I'm afraid of clowns and peanuts in the shell.

I'd love to take you on a boat…but I'm not allowed on international waters.

I'd love to take you to the hospital for that tonsillectomy…but I really don't like the color scheme in the waiting room.

I'd love to take you to Guam…but I owe someone money and used to live with this stripper. Things might get awkward.

I'd love to take you on a honeymoon…but I just can't see the two of us getting married.

I'd love to take you to the aquarium…but I was traumatized by several mermaid-themed Hollywood movies.

I'd love to take you to Australia…but I'm not comfortable with foreign languages.

I'd love to take you to Narnia. See if you can find it on a map.

I'd love to take you on that tour of Indian tea plantations…but it's just as nice to buy it in bags.

I'd love to take you to Hawaii…but you'd probably feel more comfortable in a climate where you could wear an anorak.

I'd love to take you to lunch…but I'm not hungry and this shouldn't be all about you.

I'd love to take you to paradise. (If he's patting his waterbed and winking, he's not talking about a trip to Rio. If he says he has two tickets to paradise, then he really needs to update his music library. If you just met him five minutes ago at Beer and a Shot night at the Ole Truck Stop, this would be your first clue that it's time to leave.)

I'd love to take you apple picking…but couldn't find any bushes. Still looking for those tomato trees and jack o' lantern farms.

I'd love to take you on a safari. Are any driving distance from Duluth?

I'd love to take you to Fiji. Just let me finish my dissertation first. (May be repeated up to thirteen consecutive years.)

I'd love to take you to Hell…but that was our last vacation.

I'd love to take you on a cruise. Not that I will, but it would be nice.

I'd love to take you to on a clean-minded tour of the United States. There is too much filth in the world. When the time is right, I have the perfect itinerary: the Grand Tetons, Old Faithful, the Washington Monument, and Hollywood Boulevard.

Next month: Vacation revenge fantasies and covering up your tracks.

Copyright © 2009 by Pamela Miller

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Copyright © 2008 by Pamela Miller