Happy Woman Magazine - A PARODY OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: As my wedding day approaches, the whole fete is topsy turvy! My maid of honor Gwen has Pityriasis Rosea, which is going to cause nightmares for my photographer (and not the usual garden variety nuptial tribulations!) Also, I didn’t know a wedding would be so expensive! Look, I want my guests to have fun, but this is costing me a fortune!

Stressed Steffie

(...) FULL STORY>>>

February

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please assist a blushing bride! My husband’s fraternity brother Denny is filling in as a last minute best man. This was after my first choice best man Cousin Alexander (or as I like to call him, “The Great”) was injured whilst trying to help local boy scouts build a state of the art go-cart. Cousin Alexander was a wonderful choice for Best Man, and will sorely be missed. Oh, he will still be present at our wedding, but will unfortunately be of no use to me. FULL STORY

January

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have been waiting my entire life for my wedding day. I never thought it would happen for me, but finally, it’s here! The problem is that my bridesmaids are making it more about them. Here’s an example: I wanted to give out silver picture frames as wedding favors, right? Until my maid of honor Georgeanne mocked me. She said people throw favors in the trash, and there’s no point in giving out anything that isn’t edible! Plus the girls want me to dip into my wedding fund and splurge for a party bus! This thing is out of control!

DECEMBER

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My bridesmaids are busying themselves with my upcoming nuptial preparations. I honestly could not have done it without them! These lovely ladies-in-waiting have already completed the Bathroom Baskets, complete with tissues that are monogrammed and pink-packaged tampons. Only the best for my female guests! My question is: do we provide sewing kits for any of my missies in the event of mishaps? I would hate to think my guests may have button boo-boos or zany zippers!

Sweet Charlene the Bridal Queen

NOVEMBER

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help settle a family debate. Is it appropriate for the bride and groom to have their own "sweetheart" table? I say it is, but I'm hearing major opposition. I need your help…a spa day rests on this.
Sore Sadie Spa Seeker

OCTOBER

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am considered a trendsetter amongst my social circle. My friends are more like groupies, since I am the star of the show. I rock their world, get it? But planning my wedding has been something of a snooze-fest. White dress, sparkly tiara and champagne toasts, what a drag! Everything remotely unique that I thought up has already been done on YouTube. So I changed my white gown to a bright yellow one with a leopard collar. Also, I ditched the sparkly tiara for this really cool headdress made of antique wood that used to be Thomas Edison's coffee table, or something. FULL STORY>

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have been reading a lot about green weddings recently. My fiancé Greg and I care a great deal about one another, but also about our beautiful planet. Can you give me any tips on making our wedding day wonderful, while paying attention to the carbon footprint we leave behind?

Hopeful Helena

Read the Answer to Helena's Question (...)

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Jeff and I come from large families. Because of this, we are going to have many children at our upcoming July wedding. My future sister-in-law has hinted that it would be appropriate for us to hire a babysitter for the reception. She thinks it's a fair trade off, since she is allowing her daughter to be my flower girl. When I asked her and "Just who is supposed to pay for this?" she said, "You are. Consider it my flower girl fee". Is she out of line or what?

IRATE IRENA FROM PASADENA

APRIL BRIDE DISH

March Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Do you think a Viennese Table display is a good idea? My catering manager is really pushing it. I was thinking of foregoing it entirely for a candy buffet...caramels in shot glasses...you know, desperate times.

BUDGET BRIDE IN BOISE

MAGS: If there's one thing that self-defense class taught me, it's that NO should be capitalized. No wedding is worth putting your dignity on the line. I am assuming that a "Viennese Table" is the sort of thing one might see in a back room while visiting some questionable parts of Europe, but Helga, you aren't in Europe anymore.

February Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am a bride in distress! Initially, I chose nine bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. Some of my maids are cousins and other Must-Choose-Them-Or-Risk-Offending-Daddy Wedding Bucks types. Most of the girls have fallen in line and responded well to my requests. One of the girls is my unfortunate cousin. For purposes of discretion, lets just call her Brittany Big Butt. I don't know what to do about this wretched woman! She's only twenty-four years old and perfectly confident in being her plain old self! You know the type: no makeup ever and no fun at all. She doesn't gossip, swear and she only had like, three drinks at my bachelorette party. She refused to hook up with even one of the male strippers (even I succumbed to their sweaty charms!)

My wedding day is weeks away...can I fire Brittany Big Butt today?

FED UP BRIDE

January Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help me settle a wager with my fiancé, Darryl. What is the appropriate number of engagement parties for a bride and groom to have? Darryl says only one, but I think it should be as many as to suit the couple (three, four, depending on subgroups like family, friends, co-workers, etc.) Please help a reader out! I have a pedicure riding on this! If Darryl wins, he gets a new telescope.

DOESN'T WANT DARRYL SEEIN' STARS

December Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DOESN'T WANT DARRYL SEEIN' STARS

MAGS: This reminds me of the time I was asked to star in two different reality shows! One had me competing to be the sex interest of a character actor with narcolepsy, while the other had me fighting for my din-din on a desert island. These are the choices we have to make in life. It's so necessary to follow our hearts down the stairs and out the door, no matter where we end up when our hearts hail a cab. No matter what the meter reads when our hearts are too drunk to remember the name of a street that rhymes with "Fancy". Never forgetting that our hearts are the reason we have a smeared cocktail napkin with maybe an address or a hotel name plus a cute chimp doodle on it in our pocket...because our hearts were following someone or something somewhere!

FULL STORY

November Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My cousin Brenda showed me your column, and I have to be honest: your advice is truly appalling. What kind of a message does this tripe send to young brides? How are women supposed to turn to you for guidance when your behavior is no better than some of the young socialites one reads about in the gossip magazines? Think about doing us all a service and handing over your pens, please.

CONCERNED CONNECTICUT COUSIN
FULL STORY

October Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Growing up, I considered myself a pioneer. You know, the girl who tended to go all-out. I was the theater kid who wore full La Boheme garb one year, then convinced my boyfriend to do Puck alongside my Hippolyta the next.

So my wedding date is set for this Halloween. Friends and family are wary of my bridal selections. One question for you: are candy corn centerpieces gauche?

ACTING THE PART OF BRIDE

MAGS: Yikes, you are too much! This is a column for BRIDES, and some brides don't lose it till their wedding night. Well, that's what I read in an old book that smelled funny. Why was I looking inside an old book that smelled funny? Trying to seduce the hot guy in the bookshop! Do my flirtations work? Do old books smell funny? Yes, of course they do. What was all this about again?

FULL STORY

September Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My entire girlhood I dreamed of having a wishing well at my bridal shower. It was just one of those details I envisioned prior to our perfect day. See, the wedding is supposed to be about the couple, right? The bridal shower, however, that’s an event for ME. My future Mother-in-Law is against wishing wells. She thinks they are "a selfish ploy for more gifts". Is she correct?

WISHING WILHELMINA NOT WELL

MAGS: What’s a" girlhood"? Is that like a poncho? And this wishing well...it’s a magical place where you wish for gifts and they appear? Personally, I’d ask for booze. It’s the gift you keep on swigging! Also, I’d like a hot male genie to escort me to the after party. This is for a birthday, right? I too am in a magical place: it’s called between being wonderfully drunk and achingly hung over.

FULL STORY

By Mags & Dags

JUNE

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Marcus and I almost never argue (because I always do what he wants). As we are nearing our wedding day, we have been arguing a little bit, and always about the same issue: I want to hyphenate my last name. Marcus says if I hyphenate my last name alongside his, it means that I don't want to get married to him. How can I show my Marcus that I love him above all else, but I want to keep this important piece of my identity?

MAYBE MRS. MARCUS

FULL STORY

MAY

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I know women are the regular letter-senders to a column like this, but I'm a man in need. My grad school hombre Bart has been seeing this woman, if you can call her that. Okay, let's call her Delilah, and for good reason! It's not a lock o' balding Bart's mane she's after...although I'm pretty sure she'd rob one of his pelts for a mink stole. This girl is a gold digger with a capital "E" (You know, for "Evil?) Anyway, I don't want my bro to let a little somethin'-somethin' get in the way of our poker night. So what does Bart do at our poker game? He ups the ante. Pal is going to propose to this WITCH! I told him if he marries her, they will definitely get divorced, and probably before she has time to throw out all his stuff. Now he's not talking to me! What's up?

TOO BART FOR HIS OWN GOOD

FULL STORY

APRIL

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Yesterday at a family dinner my cousin Randy revealed that he's most excited about my upcoming wedding. I was pleased, but then Randy explained what it was that made him so happy: my bridesmaids. He has a bet going with his friends that he can bed two bridesmaids for the price of nothing (open bar, I should've gone the tacky cash route). Worst of all, my wedding is at a well-known hotel, so there will be plenty of room (pun intended) for Randy to revel in. Randy is a charming guy who has done modeling! He is extremely photogenic! He's about to ruin my wedding!

RANDY TOO HANDY (Pun Intended)

FULL STORY

MARCH

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Tell me if I'm out of line. My not-yet hub Paolo wants his friend Benji to perform at our wedding. See, Benji is in a Seventies cover band, complete with disco –style jumpsuits and matching balls. I pictured our wedding as more "East-meets-West" Asian fusion, not "Past-meets-Yuck". I keep telling Paolo that I'm the bride, but his response is, "And I'm the groom". How can I marry my man, but divorce the discothèque?

NOT DENYING DISCO DRAMA

MAGS: This reminds me of a parable I once heard. This amazingly hot gal had to meet the boyfriend's makers, a.k.a. his parents. She was so not ready. This guy was more like a twelve-night stand, and they were only on night seven, right? So she had to dress to regress. That is, in the kind of getup her own momma would make her wear to family functions when she was an even younger thang. Did it work? Did the boy toy's parents prance with joy? No, they did not. Why tell this story in a bridal advice column? You can only cover up so much cleavage, love. My disco balls still peeked through.

DAGS: Do these manly morons not understand that you are THE BRIDE? Do they not yet realize that Bride is an acronym for "Beauteous Revolutionary I Deem Everything"?? You are the Queen of the Kingdom, or at the very least Barry's Custom Wedding Bivouac (check out our ad! No more than five weddings at a time!). Paolo is a poor excuse for a piss ant, and if possibly my tongue twister poured on your pathetic parade, well, you're pretty predictable.

Look Bride-o, it's normal to stick to your fellow's chinos like lint, but if he is the one, you're selling the big day way wee. What are you waiting for? Your Asian-Fused Golden Anniversary, where you'll be lucky if you can still chew on a spring roll before soaking your choppers?

FULL STORY

FEBRUARY

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I don't know where to turn, and frankly, I'm dizzy. My fiancé of seven years, Ned is still not quite over his ex, we'll call her Beulah. He sends her cute little emails, and even, get this, a Valentine's Day card. I've been able to overlook it because I've got this scrumptious rock on my finger, but the burden it comes with is enough to stone a girl. It seems that Ned wants to invite Beulah to our wedding, and he's even suggested having her as the best man! He said if I can't accept Beulah as one of the guys, then I'm not the girl he thought I was.

SEEING RED OVER NED

MAGS: I'm going to need to know more about the rock. Remember this old adage: If you're platinum coated, your man is devoted. Not to mention, we hope, loaded. Also, tell me more about this Beulah. How hot is she? If she's not too attractive, then she might be fun for me to have drinks with. See, I don't like to hang out with girls who are hotter than me. If we're comparably good-looking, then okay. Just keep in mind that I am not the dutiful best friend who helps Beulah toss salted peanuts at the gorgeous bartender to land his attention, only to hear about how good he was at mixing and stirring the next day. When I take a bartender home, my margarita gets rimmed. Ya dig?

FULL STORY

JANUARY

ABOUT MAGS AND DAGS

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.


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