EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Yesterday at a family dinner my cousin Randy revealed that he's most excited about my upcoming wedding. I was pleased, but then Randy explained what it was that made him so happy: my bridesmaids. He has a bet going with his friends that he can bed two bridesmaids for the price of nothing (open bar, I should've gone the tacky cash route). Worst of all, my wedding is at a well-known hotel, so there will be plenty of room (pun intended) for Randy to revel in. Randy is a charming guy who has done modeling! He is extremely photogenic! He's about to ruin my wedding!

RANDY TOO HANDY (Pun Intended)

MAGS: Don't you think you're being just a lil' selfish? I myself have a Selfish wait, I think it's Shellfish. Anywhooo! Randy can double up on bridesmaids any day of the week. He's picked your special day because you are his cousin and he cares about you! He wants your bridesmaids to be all tuckered out so they aren't caught puckered with your groom in the backseat of your wedding get-away chariot. He wants to make sure that you, the bride, aren't suckered.

Here's the thing about bridesmaids: they're wonderfully evil by tradition. It comes from female hormones and science, I think. It's like if you take a pile of monkeys and put them in a gigantic clutch purse. Like a really big one you'd see at a museum? Well, the monkeys are of course going to have wild monkey relations inside the giant clutch purse. Some of the female monkeys are going to pretty their faces up with the enormous red lipstick they find in there. Others are going to look into the humongous compact mirror and say, "Who is that sexy, sexy monkey?"

It's better for everyone if Randy sleeps with the bridesmaids. They'll feel rejuvenated enough to come back downstairs, down four rum and Cokes and catch your stupid cascade bouquet. Instead of bridal thank you gifts, save money by giving everyone flavored condoms! Everyone wins, and I like pineapple!

DAGS: Unlike my promiscuous partner in prose, the only things I'm allergic to are sluts and stupidity. That said, I think the answer to your problem is simple as macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets shaped like circus seals. Put Racy Randy at the kid's table! This works so much better if you give the tables a theme (example: It's Movie Matrimony! The bridesmaids are rated R, with poor Randy boy at an adorable PG). Then Red-Hot Randy becomes Red-Faced Randy, as the bridesmaids swirl their drinks and sneer, all the while steering clear of that big, manly Steer. The wedding woman (you!) will win! Have no fear! Let Randy know who the bridal boss is! Emasculate to Educate!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: What's a good bridal shower gift to give my thrice-divorced boss who is ready to get back in the ring and without a prenup?


MAGS: Throw her a surprise divorce party! Have a lawyer draft the invitations!

DAGS: No, don't do that. Check out her registry, Betty Holiday Bonehead! You think we register for nothing? Like the bride has nothing else to do but keep adding gift after glorious gift to an online registry that will only have a fraction of the items available once the spenders start shopping? On second thought, maybe we do register for nothing...

A lot of old women gripe about having to buy the bride things she specifically asked for, when they were never given the privilege back in nineteen-hundred-and-whenever. Don't let your crows feet do the walking, Bonehead. A great employee-to-boss gift is whatever kind of coffee maker she registered for. So what if the pot itself costs eight hundred dollars, and the espresso setting only allows beans grown in Portland Oregon by a farmer named Lionel Poggerton? You want to stand out from your crock-pot plopping peers.

Betty, you say you love your holiday bonus, but do you also love your holiday boss? The one who after too much mulled wine reveals to you the innermost workings of her bossy head, and accidentally promotes you to her own position? Then when she says, "Oh crap, I'm hung over" the next morning, you get to say, "I don't know what the office environment was like at your former place of business, but here we keep things professional!"


Do you like frightening movies? Well, how about frightening pamphlets that have not too many words and some pictures in them? If so, check out Mags' new pamphlet The Day I Thought I was Pregnant By Satan But Later Found Out It Was A Guy Named NATHAN And I Had Heard Him Wrong Because The Hotel Bar Was Really Loud And Packed And Then I Found Out I Wasn't Pregnant Anyway And Drew Some Drawings. It costs $6.99 and will tell you all about that.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia