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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Marcus and I almost never argue (because I always do what he wants). As we are nearing our wedding day, we have been arguing a little bit, and always about the same issue: I want to hyphenate my last name. Marcus says if I hyphenate my last name alongside his, it means that I don't want to get married to him. How can I show my Marcus that I love him above all else, but I want to keep this important piece of my identity?

MAYBE MRS. MARCUS

MAGS: Not sure what all the fuss is about, lady. I myself have gone by several names in my short and gorgeous lifetime. Lets see...there was that time in Venice where I signed in as Bella Martini a.k.a. not Giorgio's (the guy I was dating) wife. These are the names we change for love, babe. Isn't that what love is? Pretending to be someone you aren't to win the approval and attention of someone who is totally hot and completely loaded? You know, the type of man who comes with a Swiss bank account and the kind of six-pack that won't drip on a hot summer afternoon?

Besides, if there's anything a leopard mask and cat o' nine tails has taught this kitten, it's that role-play rules!

DAGS: Gross one, Mags. Listen Mrs. Maybe, we all have dreams. I wanted to be a veterinarian, once upon a dog. I probably should have gone into working with animals, since I hate you people so darned much.

So you want to keep your precious sense of self, and you're even willing to compromise, but Fido still isn't taking the bone? Well, you could put the relationship to sleep, but I suspect you'll be trying to resurrect it from the pet cemetery several months from now. Creepy!

What's man's best friend-with-benefits (you) to do?

Marry the domestic dog! Change your name! There are plenty of unhappily married women weeping their way through the world! Why shouldn't you be one of them?

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My daughter recently became engaged. What are your top five pieces of most valuable advice for a newly engaged young woman? I would just love to clip this column and lacquer it onto a lovely plaque for the newlyweds!

PAULETTE FROM PINEVILLE

MAGS: Well, how sweet you are, Paulette! They'd probably prefer money, but I guess they can shove this in a closet, or under the bed. They could sell it at their first yard sale to a confused, cross-eyed woman, perhaps. Truly, so sweet of you!

MAGS' FABULOUS FIVE

1.) Jimmy

2.) Bigger Peter

3.) Big Peter

4.) Gregory Vanderwallen the III

5.) Ted

Oh wait, wrong list. Well, this one is still pretty valuable, Paulette.

DAGS: Since I didn't have time to submit to your every asinine whim, Paulette the Pain from Pineville, I coughed up an excerpt from one of my old lists. Okay, so I found it at the bottom of my purse. I think it will work in a pinch. If it doesn't...I really don't care what you do with your plaque, and I'll tell you what else you can lacquer.

DAGS' ADVICE FOR THE NEWLY ENGAGED

1.) One-part cream to three parts cocoa...or is that ten parts cocoa to five parts butter? My cholesterol is fine. Why do you ask?

2.) Heat your ingredients in a pan over medium heat. Don't ask me what these ingredients are. I don't get paid extra for this.

3.) Don't be afraid to beat it. Beat what, you wonder? I dunno. Use a whisk.

4.) Let it settle. Let it harden. I don't remember if it's supposed to settle or harden?

5.) Enjoy!

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia

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