EST. May 2000 (AD)


Popular Columns:

January Predictions:
Horoscopes For All the
Goddesses That We Are

By Debra Victoroff



ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Because you skimped so much on your nieces' and nephews' Christmas presents, you've finally saved up enough to take that post-Christmas ski trip you've always dreamed of! Places where you might still get a reservation are Breckenridge, Keystone, and Nicole Kidman's forehead. Make sure you pack ice-skates, in case you run into Posh Spice's personality.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

It's 2008 - the year you will finally hew to your commitment to broaden your horizons instead of your ass. This will mean taking your job seriously instead of spending every free moment checking out and updating your Facebook page with more people who you don't know and who should probably be hospitalized for their addictions to online porn. 2008 also means spending more time at the gym on the machines instead of loitering outside the men's locker room hoping some cute guy will explain to you how anyone could un-ironically purchase a bottle of something called "smart water".

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

Bad news for Aphrodite! It's the beginning of a New Year and a series of disappointments that will put the disappointments of 2007 to shame. Not only is HBO devoid of any good series, leaving your Sunday completely empty, but that house you bought as an investment in Florida is now worth $17.50 and the tenants are not only refusing to pay rent, but blackmailing you into paying them to stay there just to keep the four-legged vermin out. You can turn this around by smart investments in the stock market, getting a new job that pays more, moving into a less expensive apartment and teaching your dog to speak French. The Hollywood writers' strike introduces you to a novelty item; these things called "books".

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Welcome to the beginning of 2008 and the pain of having one of your dangly earrings pulled off via the fleshy part of your earlobe by some random kid on the bus. Minor cosmetic surgery was not on your agenda for January (even though you were considering Botox for February), but now at least you have something to look forward to! A young man will flatter you with his suave ways and soothing overtures until you realize that you've been on hold with Pay Pal for so long you've mistaken the recording for a person you're having a relationship with. What the heck. Indulge. At least this guy won't cheat on you!

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

Demeter has a chance for a grand love affair this year, and we're not just talking self-love like the previous decade, or an affair with a house pet, or a houseplant, or a housecoat, or with that leather jacket you saw at Barney's, or with a TV actor from an old episode of "Star Trek", or with that tall, dark-haired avatar you created on your friend's Wii, or the guy with the six-pack on the cover of "Men's Health", or with your boss who thinks you're a little weird but needs you because you know about his weekend in Buffalo, but, in fact, a human being of the gender you prefer. The Starry Universe is exhausted trying to get this together, so don't blow it.

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

Vesta resists the beginning of 2008 by dating all her checks and letters "2007" and a few with "1996". Your tendency to resist change makes the end of the month tricky for you when your car heater stops working on the 17th and the perversity of Global warming results in an extremely harsh winter, including blizzards and giant frozen balls of hail, even though you live in Fort Meyers, Florida. You remember reading something about stuff falling from the sky but you can't remember whether it's frogs, hail, or Victoria's Secret Wonderbras, or what it's supposed to mean. Just to be on the safe side, you might want to invest in "apocalyptic undergarment" insurance this month and next.

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

The beginning of the year is the time to review your finances with your short and long terms goals in mind. Goals are those things you ponder endlessly until it's too late to achieve them and then they become regrets but just for two years until they become funny stories. Later in life they may re-emerge as regrets but that's when you can turn them into grad school application essays or dating profiles and make people think you have a thought in your head besides why the people in the car in front of you won't signal a turn unless they're in a parking lot about to take your space. Watch where you step on the 19th; there are Akita's nearby.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

It's 2008 and you realize it's been 6 years since you were last able to fit into that velvet pantsuit you wore to your uncle's anniversary party. He and that insufferable hippie he was married to are long broken up (and no, you're not getting the kitchen towels back!), but for half a decade, you haven't had the nerve to take that thing off the hanger and try to squeeze a leg into it. The larger issue, which you realize as you ponder the plot twists of "America's Next Top Slack-Jawed Thin Person", is that you actually showed up in public in a velvet pantsuit. Keep in mind: some fabrics are better off on 8-year-old girls, unless of course you're Mick Jagger.

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

Echo radiates cuteness through the 27th, resulting in Jupiter and Mercury tussling over who gets to watch over you and whether it takes the two of them to protect you from the worst thing that will happen to you this month which is that you will lose yet another black sock in the laundry. Mars too, finds itself attracted to you and is thinking of asking you for a date, if only he can finalize visitation rights with the moon Titus, with which he has produced almost as many unplanned offspring as Britney Spears' family. All this attention could go to Echo's pretty head, but remember these orbiting entities are fickle and subject to the laws of gravity as well as the state of Maryland and so may not be able to consummate in the way you are used to. They don't call it Astro-Glide for nothing!

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

Happy Birthday and welcome to 2008 a year older and, well, a year older. The beginning of the year brings you the delights of renewed dieting since, in an ironic reverse parallel to the stock market, in the past four weeks you gained back all you lost last year, plus a pound. It's too bad your sign isn't Phoebe because people born under that sign all took off a good ten pounds in 2007 and weren't even hungry! And they're not lying! But such is your fate and as soon as you resolve yourself to it, you can reward yourself with six raisins and a glass of water with half a lemon slice. (Save the other half-slice of lemon until dinner when you can cut it into quarters and have two sections for dessert!)

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

The planets align to make fun of you and talk behind your back which is OK with you since between the 5th and the 16th, you are planning a vacation from your sign, choosing instead to visit Echo and see if she dusts as often as she says. The beginning of 2008 is going to see your friend Echo as particularly popular, so make sure you knock loudly before entering any of her upstairs rooms. Echos' popularity brings out the neuroses in Psyches, particular their tendency to be jealous and get into hair-pulling astro-fights that the boy planets like to orbit around shouting encouragement. Psyche will get lucky herself on the 20th through the 24th, when Pluto swings by for a visit and needs a place to stay. Even though he's not an actual "planet" anymore, Pluto still has a gravitational pull that is always a nice "influence", if you catch our drift.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

Well Phoebe, you're awfully proud of yourself! Finally you're down to your goal weight and able to fit into those jeans you bought in 2005 and which have been taunting you from the bottom drawer of your dresser for the last 3 years like something out of a Stephen King novel. The last time you wore them was when that jerk with the big brown eyes broke up with you just as you tucked into your dinner order of a small green salad, dressing-on-the-side. You remember right then you decided "screw this", and ordered the Super-sized fried Gigantor Platter, which you finished alone. Your platter days are past but don't forget, 2008 is a long year and they have just invented Chocolate dipped Oreos, throwing everything into question. The only way to be sure you continue to fit into those jeans is to never, ever take them off.

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

It's 2008 and Bush is back from his morale-boosting Christmas visit to Guantanamo where he shared a big steak dinner with the prisoners, after which the guards turned off the projection TV and brought out the waterboards on which Bush and the inmates took turns sliding down a big yellow Super-slide. Afterwards, his hair still wet, the President was quoted as saying, "Those who say that 'waterboarding' is torture are obviously naïve about the process - as long as you keep your legs on the board and don't fall off, it doesn't hurt at all!" The future is bright however for those who live in the United States since it is an absolute certainty that things can't possibly get any worse, unless of course Oprah Winfrey endorses her good friend Gail for Vice-President.

©2007 Debra Victoroff

 Subscribe in a reader



Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her plays have been performed around the country and her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival".

She honed her humor skills on "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.