EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Miracle Foods!

By Molly Schoemann

If you're like us, you try your best to eat healthy, but it isn't always easy. With so many frozen pizza styles to choose from, how are you supposed to know which one is right for you? The microwaveable kind, or the kind that goes in your toaster oven? The single-serving kind where it actually is a single serving, or the single-serving kind where are you serious, THAT'S a serving? Wouldn't your life be easier if you knew which kinds of fruits and vegetables are actually proven to possibly fight heartburn, and which kinds don't do squat?

We've put together a quick guide to help you navigate the treacherous aisles of your local Market Basket. You might be surprised at what some of your everyday eats really bring to the table.


Eating too much of this fatty, pear-shaped fruit will leave you pear-shaped yourself. Lots of people tell you that avocados are 'nutrient-packed' and full of 'good fat'. Those people are what we like to call 'packed with lies' and full of 'bullshit'. They're just trying to make you fat, so they look good when they stand next to you. The next time someone serves you anything with avocado in it, look him or her in the eye, spit on your plate and push it away. They'll get the message that you're onto them.


These shiny red fruits (or are they vegetables? we can't remember) pack a walloping eighty percent of your daily requirement of pretentiousness. Seriously-all of a sudden everything comes in Pomegranate flavor, from lip balm to dish detergent. Pomegranates are the new "It" fruit because they're supposed to be full of antioxidants or something. You know what "antioxidant" actually means? "Good PR."


These are apparently the vegetables that chips come from. You can actually eat them before they are made into chips, but we don't know how. Wikipedia tells us that another name for them is 'tubers'. We think that's pretty funny. Say it! Tubers.


You may have grown up thinking beets are gross, but take another look. Still gross? Yeah, they totally are. Forget beets.


If you're a fully-functioning adult, you are well aware that wood is inedible. Which is too bad, because just two ounces of white oak contains enough vitamin C to fulfill your daily requirement seven thousand times over. Too bad all those nutrients are completely inaccessible, right? Mother Nature, you bitch.


Molly Schoemann grew up in New York City and moved to Boston by way of Honolulu (possibly she took a wrong turn somewhere). She most recently moved to Garner, NC. What can I say? She likes moving. Molly began writing humor and satire during her freshman year at Bard College. Visit Molly at: