ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
This month you are feeling uninspired by your surroundings. Perhaps it's because you have been living in a cardboard box since November and the city garbage collectors have twice picked it up with you inside, stopping only moments before you're deposited in the big crusher thing at the back of the truck. When you first moved in you told your kids "Hey it'll be just like camping" but now you're all getting tied of peeing into a Hellmann's mayonnaise jar and bathing at the local Starbucks and you can't put off the in-law's visit forever. A bouquet of fresh flowers (pulled out of the neighbor's flowerbed) might be just the ticket for your malaise. A job would be a close second, but flowers are so much easier!
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Juno doesn't understand all the fuss about the Octo-mom! She's an Octo-mom herself although none of her offspring have ever set foot in her condo as she sells them as soon as they pop out of the oven! What's wrong with that, she thinks? In fact, by having a child (or two) every 9 months, Juno has provided a steady income for herself, so don't tell her she's a drain on the economy! However, she sees the big bucks are in multiple births and so she's heading over to the fertility clinic to up the ante. If 8 kids at once is buying the Octo-mom the cover of People Magazine, Juno wants the cover of Vanity Fair. "Cheaper by the Dozen" indeed!!
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Aphrodite learned a valuable lesson from watching the final episode of "The Bachelor", when she realized that falling in love is much more complicated than reality TV contestants realize. She felt so bad for the bachelor and the woman he picked to be his partner for the rest of his life: a vacuous, stick-like, straight-haired mannequin with an interest in self-tanning creams and gladiator sandals, and then, after a couple hours with her, he changed his mind and decided that he was actually desperately in love with and wanted to spend the rest of his life with the runner up: a vacuous, stick-like, straight-haired mannequin with an interest in hair products and fake nails. Later, he had a second change of heart when he realized that the runner up was, in fact, the wrong one, that it really WAS the winner he was in love with; he just got confused because he couldn't remember which one liked soy lattes and which one like lattes with skim milk. Finding perfect compatibility is just so hard!
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
Diana joins the fray this month and attempts to find love online! After years of resistance she finally joined one of those dating sites which are as ubiquitous on the web as Court TV shows are on daytime TV, and at least as entertaining. Both feature lying and deception, unpaid bills, divorce, and the occasional dog attack, as well as people who are too heavy to be wearing whatever it is they're wearing. But if one can get past the fact that the adorable, trim guy with the luxurious head of hair standing on a yacht in his profile, is in fact the bald guy with bad teeth and a forty pound beer gut extending his hand to you in the local dive bar, one can finally turn off the TV and embrace "real" life... if you can get your arms around its not-inconsiderable belly.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)Everything is relative and as long as you don't have children with them, I hear it's legal in most states. At least that's what Demeter is saying to herself after a family reunion in which she hooked up with a cousin who was 5 inches taller and a lot better looking than when she saw him a decade ago. Is it really wrong to make love with kin, if they aren't siblings and weren't actually raised in the same house? So what if you share a few random strands of DNA? Isn't that just like drinking from the same glass only instead of sharing spit you're sharing genetic material? All these questions catapult through Demeter's brain like a bunch of skateboarders in an empty swimming pool. The 18th brings yet another challenge to the blossoming romance, when the cousin calls to tell you he heard your mom and his dad were once "an item".
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta, you celebrity hound, can't help but feel bad for Rhianna, that singer who was beaten to a fresh pulp by her boyfriend, who then apologized by saying that he'd stubbed his toe earlier in the evening and was still "confused" and "tired" from the incident, leading him to want to break his girlfriend's nose and knock all her teeth out. You note that this is a common occurrence, particularly among musicians, like when Tommy Lee Jones smacked the living shit out of girlfriend Pamela when she put too much mustard on his corned beef sandwich and when Amy Winehouse punched out her husband when he decided not to do a fifth line off her make-up mirror. Vesta sees Rhianna's reunion with her boyfriend as a savvy move by an artist who was too pretty for plastic surgery before she got her face bashed, but now, will have the opportunity to have virtually all her facial features replaced with new ones! Vesta loves celebrity logic!
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)Jupiter and Saturn nearly collide when they attempt to merge into the same section of the revolving door at Macy's, causing Persephone to squinch up her face at the exact moment she's getting her passport photo taken, memorializing that weird expression for the next 12 years. The reason for this cataclysmic event? The best winter boot sale in the whole galaxy! Not only Jupiter and Saturn, but those shoe fiends Mercury and Venus are taking time off from their orbits to head to the fourth floor of Macy's where cosmic winds say that the larger sizes are going fast, particularly 4 quadrillion and 7 gazillion (which are the two most common shoe sizes for planets). The best way to cheer yourself up dear Persephone, is to head over to Macy's yourself and see if they still have those brown suede numbers you fell in love with last month. Go quick because Venus has her eye on them too and thinks if they run out of size 4 quadrillion, she may be able to squeeze into a 7 wide.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
Sporadic thundershowers from the 11th to the 15th bring cheer to Leda as harbingers of Spring! The happy season further shows its rosy face in the form of a fender bender on a slick street and a leak in a bent gutter that directs water from the roof directly into the bedroom closet, and all over Leda's wardrobe. As crocuses begin to peek their little heads out of the ground, and chirping birds start to look for places to build their nests, Leda heads to the local Toyota dealer to see how much a new side panel costs or if she should just get a friend with a mallet to knock the dent out. Drive carefully, Leda; Spring, for some reason, is out to get you.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Echo gets an invitation to the wedding of her most eco-friendly friend, Happi Feather Duster, the one who scrapes left-overs into a Panini press and makes them into meat-loaf sandwiches. Weddings are often fun, but Echo has her doubts about this one; particularly trying to find a dress and shoes that conform to the theme: Clean Coal-Burning Power Plant. Why not head on over to the local mine and see if one of the friendly workers can spare their suspenders for the weekend?
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)Pandora decides to host a dinner party! This means she somehow has to supply the food, and it really can't be from Kenny's Fried Chicken Parts. This presents a challenge in that the most perfect recipe must be found; one that is easy but delicious, with not too much chopping, and no use of the food processor (which if you'll remember last time resulted in a pea soup debacle that left the cat completely coated and not happy about it). Last time, she served "Ground beef on lettuce" and the time before that it was "Ground beef on a different kind of lettuce", but this time, she wants to simplify the operation, and so! It's decided! It will be "Ground beef and Some Salt". Whew! Nothing like a dinner party to find out who your real friends are! Particularly if they've been at previous ones.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
The 12th through the 17th are particularly auspicious days to get a jump on Spring-cleaning, since your vacuum cleaner is going to give up the ghost on the 19th. As soon as there's a hint of warmer weather, start clawing out all those household cleaning products that you so love: the Swiffer mop, the spray freshener, the Pledge! It all looks so easy on TV, when the pretty young model has that one spill, usually a few drops of strawberry jam, that she sweeps up with one hand and deposits into her garbage can, which is pristine itself, never (apparently) having been used before. She dances around, Pledging her shiny furniture (who has furniture that shiny?), and spraying air-freshener in her bedroom (in which you just know no one has ever farted), and Swiffering the smooth kitchen floor. She should come over to your house, where the garbage can is actually pulsating, and the spills in the kitchen require a hammer and chisel. Don't procrastinate Psyche, else your garbage can may take matters into its own hands.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) This month, you will meet a man like none you've ever met before. He will be big and brawny, and he will lift you into his arms like a tornado lifting a trailer out of a trailer park. This guy will be the culmination of all your fantasies about powerful, strong men; the type that take you when they want you and overwhelm you with their physical prowess. He'll breathe heavily and a little rivulet of sweat will course from his temple as he picks you up and carries you as if you were a 152-pound rag doll. Unfortunately, you will meet this guy because you started your kitchen on fire making "Bacon Flambé" and he will be an annoyed fireman who has to rescue you from your burning house. So the house burns down! You've met a guy!
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
Not a good month for Thalia. Saturn moves in conjunction with Mars and the resulting intersection means that none of your shoes will fit on the 17th. Then Jupiter will cross the path of Celestial Seasonings, and you'll spill some Raspberry tea on your new white shirt on the 21st. One of Saturn's moons insults one of Jupiter's and you'll end up getting overcharged on your Verizon bill. The planets are ganging up on you like the birds from that Hitchcock movie. Stay indoors until the 31st, or if you must go out, wear a helmet.
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.