ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
You'll be laid low by a cold this month which frankly has been the best lay you've had in weeks. At least a cold doesn't get up right after and head for the door. In fact, a cold insists on staying and making itself right at home in your body, leaving your head spinning and you wondering if you should take a day off work. You remember the last time you were "laid" this low, it was a big-boned Italian guy who got up hungry afterwards and for whom you had to make meatballs from scratch. This cold, on the other hand, likes to cuddle in bed, doesn't hog the pillows and could care less if you want to spend 8 hours watching "America's Deadliest Catch".
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Juno's got so many friends she doesn't know what to do. She's thinking of canceling her "Facebook" account just so she can see some of them in person rather than reading about how they would like to have a drink, a better car, breast implants, or how tired they are from splitting wood to build their own log cabin. As amusing as it is to read about kids' vomit and the fact that people's shoes no longer fit them, Juno is beginning to feel like that silent psychotherapist that sits behind his patients trying to figure out what the hell the problem is. At least now the whining and complaining, and the repetitive, unoriginal insights are illustrated with colorful digital photos!
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)
This month brings a conflict for you when your new boyfriend asks you to get French tips (on your nails, silly) like the girls in the porno movies he's so fond of. It used to be those girls went for red talons, but in the last 10 years, they've started sporting those white tips (making French tips the new marker for tackiness, unbeknownst to the mid-west which has just discovered them). Athena noticed the same sort of fashion translation happen, only in the opposite direction, when models and celebrities started wearing shlumpy velour track suits every time they went out to get coffee which is what the Costco set have been wearing for years, with a complete lack of awareness that celebrities were watching them for fashion tips. Speaking of tips: if it will make your boyfriend happy, go ahead. Skip the track-suit.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
Friends inspire you today to new heights of creativity. You suffered through a friend's new song, or "song" which consisted of three chords and a plaintive howl not unlike the one your dog makes when a car alarm goes off. You visited another friend's "art installation" which consisted of a silver Platter with a 3x5 card atop it that read "Life". The name of the piece was "Life on a Silver Platter" which made you want to kick the silver platter up in the air and listen to it clang back to the ground, resulting in a work of both art and music for which the curators of the Whitney might pay thousands but which any 9 year old would get yelled at for repeating. Creativity can sometime be mistaken for acts of vandalism - make sure you get a permit.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)Your new project is not going as planned. What new project? Surely you have one. Think! What is it that is not going as planned? We know you can come up with one. I mean, it's not like we're one of those shyster corner fortune tellers who offer generic phrases for you to keep plugging in elements of your life like round pegs into square holes until something fits that you can credit to a higher power, and for which the fortune teller charges $50, unlike your horoscope which you get for free and which is just as accurate. New project = anything that requires you get out of bed. Need to pee? There you go - there's your project. It won't go quite as planned; your husband forgot to put down the toilet seat again.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) So you're in debt. Who isn't? The whole country, in fact the entire world is suffering with the impossibility of paying off what we all bought during "the good times" (which will be remembered as this generation's version of "The Enlightenment" without all the discoveries and inventions and literature and stuff). Even if you're paying $797 a month just on interest, you should be comforted by the fact you're not alone. In fact Jupiter, that fat bastard owes his bookie a neat $5K for betting on whether or not an asteroid was going to destroy earth, and Neptune owes the Constellation Pleiades a small moon for letting Neptune borrow her car when his own got sucked into a black hole. So the lending of money and goods is as sure as the tides, and the owing for those loans is as sure as gravity and, like gravity, keeps us grounded and all of our (unpaid for) furniture from floating around the house.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)
Persephone's appalled at the recent riots at the "America's Next Top Model" audition, which made the fights that broke out on "The Amazing Race" shoot resemble the girly-type pushing at the recent MTV's "House of Spoiled Young People" auditions, or even the car over-turning and hanging-in-effigy call-backs for "Survivor: Cincinnati". It's all getting a little out of hand and making this country look like a country of superficial, reality-show addicts, perhaps unwilling to fight overseas, but ready in a moment's notice to ship out to Las Vegas to defend Tila Tequila on the set of "I'm A Moron, So Have Sex With Me, OK?" Next month, a new show debuts: "Let's Sleep All Day!" which producers hope will squash accusations of pandering to audience members' thirst for violence.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
You find yourself with some extra time this weekend and you feel like all you want to do is go to the multiplex, buy a large popcorn, set yourself down and let yourself be entertained (rather than being on top again). The problem, a fun one, is what movie to see? You are always up for a romantic comedy, and yet the only one out there is a something starring Matthew McConaughey, the kiss of death for any media production unless it's a commercial for Crest White Strips. Why is it, Leda wonders, that such a handsome man turns out to be as sexually attractive as one of those tilting cardboard come-ons advertising 2% interest at Citibank? Is it that her sex drive is waning, or is it that he actually is a cardboard cut out, and that if you loaded his personality along with Salma Hyack's into a centrifuge, and spun them together, and looked inside, all you would have left is teeth? The Universe recommends you see "State of Play" instead, a novel film in which people do things that people do.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Tax time has come and go, which may be part of the reason you didn't get a horoscope last month; the collective Stars in the Universe having submitted electronically via Turbo Tax, thereby losing both the return and the refund into The Black Hole of Electronic Indifference, forever. Why this has to come down on Echo who did her taxes the old-fashioned way, via a certified accountant (who then lost her statement the old-fashioned way), is due to the fact that the IRS has detected inconsistencies in virtually every return filed by people born under your sign and has decided to make an example of you. Don't panic; this is why you hired a human rather than a computer to help you with your taxes. A human will help you sit with the IRS agent during the audit, and will carry your suitcase when you check in for your 30 day stay in the federal penitentiary. If only the Stars had done the same thing! Next month, no one gets a horoscope until the Starry Universe coughs up the $3200 it owes the Fed.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)Forget about the Swine Flu; there's an epidemic of fat going around! Oprah has it caught it along with Kirsty Alley, Janet Jackson, and half the contestants from last year's America's Biggest Loser. They never saw it coming, even as the needle spun around like the spinning clock hands in an old movie, when they stepped on the scale. The symptoms were all there; the tightening pants, the inability to pick up a dropped peanut M&M, and the panting when reaching up to the top shelf to get to the Mallowmars. Pandora knows the symptoms and is avoiding getting infected by slipping on a facemask every time she sits down to a meal. She's getting used to consuming only liquids and since about half of the fluid pours down the front of her shirt, she's consuming only about 71 calories a day and is very close to her goal weight, or perhaps, dying. Diet tip: Join the Swine Flu paranoia.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
Sick of your old haircut, you decided to try something new this month: layers! You were hoping for something along the lines of Sarah Jessica Parker in season three of "Sex and the City", but instead you got something more like Leslie Stahl's cut (that reporter from "60 Minutes" who always looks like her car rolled over several times on the way to work). Gel can salvage this debacle but only if you tamp it all down, making yourself look like Josephine Baker in "----follies------". Don't worry; your hair will grow back. Stay inside until the 21st, or wear a hat. Pork Pies are very popular now, as long as they're baked in an oven at 400 degrees for 45 minutes before putting them on your head.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Oh my God, you love Hugh Jackman so much you're even willing to go see his new movie "Wolverine: These Sideburns Were Not My Idea"! You know it will be derivative and unoriginal; and you know the special effects will be as bad as they were in "Spiderman" if not worse, and yet you can't help yourself; you know he's shirtless through most of the movie. You also realize that one of the great actors of our generation, Liev Shreiber is also in the movie, with his own hair issues, and you want to see them grapple like a girlfight at a dive bar. The next film on your list is "Star Trek: Beverly Hills 90210 in Space", wherein young actors grapple with love, ambition and Klingon warships, just as they do in High Schools across the nation every day.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
This month you invest in culture when you plunk down $118 to see an absurdist comedy on Broadway. The concept of "absurdist" is in itself absurd, and seems to be a word that PR people made up to sell crap to intellectuals who don't know art from a hole in the wall, and in fact are willing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for holes in the wall, as long as they and their friends have heard of the "artist". But when you pay this much to see something that your third grader could write, but wouldn't, because it makes no sense, you know it's all part of the world wide conspiracy to get the public to buy stuff that's been heavily promoted by rich people, bidding it up until someone recalls "The Emperor's New Clothes" (which, now that you think of it, would be a better name for that play than "Exit the King").
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.