ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Look to the end of October for a secret to be revealed that will influence the present you were going to bring to your friend's wedding. As it turns out, your friend slept with your boyfriend before she got together with this guy she's marrying. This you learned in the bathroom when the maid of honor exited her stall before you, not aware that you were in there listening avidly as she told a bridesmaid about the last guy the bride slept with, who liked her to hum the theme from "Star Wars" during coitus. This in fact is what your boyfriend put you through until you insisted he change the song to the theme from "The Brady Bunch". You're still going to give them the blender, but the blade will be strategically loosened.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
Juno loves that snap in the air and an opportunity to take a fall foliage drive with a thermos of hot cocoa and a fifth of Ketel One Vodka. Juno knows better than to drink and drive and would never put Vodka in the driver's cup, so she has no choice but to enjoy her beverage on her own. This leads to much getting lost since Juno is supposed to be the navigator and since she tends to read a map upside down in the best of times (returning the driver again and again to the starting point), after one too many hot cocoas the driver is about to let her out at the next charming apple farm and never look back. Juno and her companion agree that the hot cider offered at a roadside stand is a treat but Juno should refrain from whining "where's the rum?".
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Your love of music will be sorely tested when you go out for dinner to a restaurant, the background soundtrack of which is so loud you're fairly certain you'll be bleeding from your ears by the time you get home. You wonder if people actually make this stuff or if it's fed into these places by the same super computer that is controlling your new digital bathroom scale and making it read out much, much higher than it really should. Everything has become too loud, and yet you can't hear anything. This contradiction has you wondering whether you should buy a hearing aid or earplugs, particularly in light of a meeting on the 18th with a colleague who is both soft-spoken and an asshole.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
This month you find a lunar node in your arm-pit which leads to a trip to the local astrologer and an out-patient procedure in which she removes it from your underarm and puts it into a clear jar so you can use it as a night light. These nodes have to be carefully watched so they don't turn into cusps which can make decisions difficult and putting on a bra unbearable. The 23rd is a good day for a return visit to the astrologer who offers a big discount on tattoo removal, especially sun signs.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)It's time to decorate your porch for the Halloween visitors, those goblins and gremlins that will soon be knocking on your door asking for candy and a job referral. Last year's trap door didn't go over well, particularly since two parents opted to leave their screaming children in your basement until Christmas. Similarly, you might not want to repeat last year's debacle when one child remarked that you looked just like "daddy's friend" in your dominatrix outfit. This year when choosing your costume, wear something that will neither frighten the kids, nor remind them of their parents. This eliminates witches, hobos and The Riddler (in the case of the family two houses over).
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)Between the 4th and the rest of your life, chances improve for meeting your soul mate. Among those chances will be: a passing glance between you, on the bus, and some adorable guy who just missed it; a brushing of shoulders as you exit the elevator and some handsome guy squeezes in just as the doors close; the smiling young man who winks at you as he reaches for the purchase of the annoyed old lady in the long line behind you; the gorgeous Italian guy who asks you for directions to the train, kisses your hand and walks away. A few times you'll make a big scene with someone who you think is flirting but whose umbrella is caught in your sleeve. On the 15th or 16th one of these encounters will lead to an arrest for soliciting.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)A promotion is in the works! The moon's erratic alignment makes it unclear whether it is yours or Dave in the cubicle next to yours, which leads to paranoia from the 9th through the 24th, when it will be settled beyond a shadow of a doubt. Unfortunately by that time your relationship with Dave will be irrevocably damaged after he catches you trying to read his email very early one morning, and when he overhears you discussing the length of time he spends in the bathroom with your Supervisor, with your other Supervisor. The 25th brings a period of denial and document shredding as you try to erase your tracks before your new Supervisor, Dave, arrives at work.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
'Tis the dressing up season that Leda dreads only slightly less than the upcoming Christmas holidays which already have Leda worrying about what to wear to all the parties and also if she's going to be invited to any. It seems incredible that an adult woman has to decide on a costume above and beyond all the outfits one has to select every day of one's life, except for those days on which one has cramps and gets to stay home in bed in one's flannel pajamas. Suddenly Leda gets an inspiration for a costume: a woman at home with cramps! The constellation Vega thinks that's hilarious! Don't forget the hot water bottle and the box of Motrin!
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
You have big plans for the trick or treaters this year! Instead of the Snickers bars, Charleston Chews and Kit Kats of yesteryear, you are going to offer apples, Soy Joy bars, and packages of dried Ramen noodles! The Soy Joy alone should have the kids mark your house as one to give a wide berth to for the rest of their young lives, leaving you a quiet evening at home during which you can darn your socks (why all the anger at your socks?) or damn your too-tight jeans (which we can understand). The only problem may be that one weird kid who actually likes apples and shows up with his Vegan parents asking for your signature on a petition to ban candy at Halloween. Take a break from your evening to give them an apple - just seeing a family dressed as "gluten" will be worth opening your door.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) This month Pandora finally catches a break with her busy schedule! The over-booked Pandora is always running, due to her tendency to fill her calendar with more events than she can possibly attend (the motto of the Goddess she was born under is "If you sit on it, I think I can get it closed!"). But after the 11th a rumor will be floated that Pandora has H1N1, which turns out not to be a spin-off of MTV but the dreaded Swine Flu. All of her invitations will dry up even as her nose continues to run, leaving her an autumn of peace and quiet (except for her own hacking coughs and the footfalls of people running away from her). Of course all she has is a simple cold, but this little fact won't be revealed until she gets the results of her throat culture. Pandora can miss Thanksgiving at the in-laws if she plays her cards right! omotion. No more “Wedding Dance” videos for you!
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
Pluto, that jealous also-ran planet is making things difficult for all those born under this sign. Exposing Letterman was just the tip of the ice-berg as there are many non-celebrities who also employ casting couches, including grocery store managers, tool and die makers, glaziers, and the guys who work at Blockbuster video. In fact, Psyche has been toying with the idea of having a fling with her dry cleaner guy if only to make sure she gets those lined woolen slacks back. Psyche can combat the influence of Pluto by making sure she wears a disguise when she visits the dry cleaners, which fits nicely into this month's Halloween theme. Do not re-use the Spiderman costume, which was so unsuccessful last year with your Landlord.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)Phoebe realizes she's going to have to find a better hiding place for her sex toys after her vibrator got into the kitchen gadget drawer by mistake and was found by her kids, and since then, every morning Phoebe has had to use her vibrator to make scrambled eggs. This is a problem since Phoebe has lots of gadgets, not to mention outfits, since her husband admitted he was partial to game-playing and having relations with women other than Phoebe. A solution presents itself in the upcoming Halloween holiday, when Phoebe can legitimately disguise those outfits as "costumes" as long as her daughter doesn't want to wear the French maid get-up. Or her son.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
The Halloween holiday is Thalia's favorite, with its unbridled focus on processed candy (when else can you eat twelve Mounds bars with impunity?), and dressing up to scare the bejesus out of your neighbors. This is particularly important this month for Thalia as she's a bit down, having got a look at her neighbor's kitchen renovation on which they obviously spent a fortune, while Thalia assigns her kids to be on the lookout for pennies under couch cushions. Thalia will have a brainstorm when she decides to dress her kids up as FEMA representatives, showing up at her neighbor's house with documents indicting their plot has been designated a "flood plain". Talk about scary!
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.