ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
November brings a frosty chill to the air as well as to Athena's relationship with her boyfriend who insists that they go to a local "TGIFriday's" for Thanksgiving this year rather than to your parent's house, thinking perhaps of last year's debacle when the two of you got put at the children's table where there was limited alcohol and Jimmy got the wishbone even though you told your mom you wanted it. You have to admit it did get a little intense when you started flinging peas at Jimmy and he retaliated by telling everyone that you were in the car making out with your boyfriend when everyone else was in the kitchen looking for the gravy boat. Now that you think of it, the chances of getting a wishbone are much improved at a large eating establishment.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
Between the 10th and the 25th you have just enough time to clean your apartment prior to the Thanksgiving dinner that you idiotically and against your better judgment, offered to host. You'll need room for the coats so you decide to clear out the closet. What are all those things back there? When did you get a dartboard? Do people still use wooden skis? Who even knew there was such a thing as a manual printer? Most of the stuff has to go you realize, but if you find a dusty portrait of yourself from 10 years ago, the stars suggest you keep it.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Your creative impulses are flourishing this month with a desire to make new progress on the book you've been working on for the last 2 years. The first chapter is tense and absorbing and the middle part is ripe with intrigue. The ending is coming along nicely and will pack a punch that will for sure get you on the best-seller list. You've told all your friends about it and they have been unfailingly supportive. There's an agent and a publisher interested and the marketing machine is geared up to start promoting it around the country. Now all you have to do is write the thing. How hard could it be?
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
Diana has a bad feeling about this recipe for cornbread stuffing she's been testing for the super cool Thanksgiving dinner to which she's been invited. Why would anyone in their right mind put shrimp-paste in cornbread? And since when does one cook cornbread in a wok? And should the final product really be a deep gray-blue? What is it with these hip new recipes that are always trying to improve on the old stuff, combining foods that really ought to be in solitary confinement, and which together result in a dish that provokes wide-eyed horror at the Thanksgiving table? Diana will think better of the project, throw the whole spongy mess away, and return to her fall-back position: a twelve pack of Twinkies.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)This month is crucial for Demeter as the stars indicate that she will either meet the man of her dreams, or get her passenger door badly dented in a strip mall parking lot. It's typically one or the other but this month, Demeter has a moon in her cupholder which results in a merging of the two events. In a remarkable convergence of fate on the 15th the man of Demeter's dreams opens the door of his SUV right smack into Demeter's Toyota! Unfortunately, the man of her dreams wears a powdered wig, his face is blurry and he's holding a Thesaurus and a little monkey. We suggest you take his insurance information and go your separate ways. Quickly, before he asks you to hold the monkey!
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)Vesta has been waiting all year for this Thanksgiving, since once again, a guy she's had a crush on for years will be there. It's really too bad that he's your sister's husband; that's always made you a tad uncomfortable, particularly since you and he shared more than succotash last year out in the garage. Jupiter and Mars keep telling you that only an asshole would make out with his wife's sister at Thanksgiving. Maybe it wouldn't be quite so bad on Veteran's Day, or perhaps Arbor Day, but Thanksgiving? The planets warn that this has the potential to end badly, with much flinging of words, not to mention the Brussels sprouts that no one ever finishes anyway. Don't let your sister near the carving knives lest you and her husband end up on the plate with the white meat.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) A Chiron in your 7th house has you wondering what a Chiron is. Is it the dog with 5 heads? Or is that a Chevron? What a minute, isn't a Chevron a car? Yeah, that's a car for sure. Maybe it's no longer being made, but Persephone is sure she's seen them on the road. Or maybe it's a gas station? Or is a Chiron one of those word-chains that scroll by at the bottom of the TV so that newscasters can describe a catastrophe and at the same time we won't miss the baseball scores? Persephone is feeling a little distracted this month and can't seem to focus on anything, which is actually a direct result of having a Chiron in her house along with a few too many Red Bulls. Wait are Chirons the same as Red Bulls?
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)Your birthday is here and all you can think is thank God it doesn't fall in December; otherwise you'd get even fewer presents than you already do. Thanksgiving is actually a great opportunity to get attention for Leda who by nature likes to have people look at her; this was a problem in the past when Leda would announce she was a vegan just as the turkey came out, or announce that she was no longer a vegan when the tofu loaf was brought to the table. But now she knows how to leverage the holiday in a way that makes the cook less likely to brain her with a basting pan. Now she does a mass emailing to announce her birthday to all those who will be attending Thanksgiving. Some gifts may come in the form of green bean casseroles, but at least Leda gets first dibs.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Saturn is moving out of Leo this month, which means Echo is going to have to put Saturn in the upstairs room for the foreseeable future even though Echo's son feels like he just got rid of his older brother and was finally going to get that room to himself. But Uranus, like the rest of the planets in the solar system, is like a member of the Mafia - when he asks for a favor you don't say no. This means Echo will be cooking a lot of pasta in the foreseeable future as well as a big plate of Chicken Parm at Thanksgiving. At the end of the month, Saturn invites Uranus to stay at her place, and once they get together, Echo can look forward to peace and quiet. That is, until Uranus gets arrested for loitering outside the corona of Mars, and Saturn throws him out, insisting he return the rings he borrowed.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) The beginning of the month will be tough on Pandora as a big work project comes due and one of the guys she works with decides he's leaving for Thanksgiving early and returning late; the exact days that Pandora needs help. This could lead to resentment if not properly handled. Pandora should be judicious when she calls this guy out, even though he deserves being hit over the head with an overhead projector. Perhaps enlisting coworkers to help with Pandora's project will kill two birds with one stone; pissing off everyone who's not already mad at this guy and calling attention to Pandora's work load. Finishing the project would be great, too but as with all office politics, not the point.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
The 12th through the 17th will bring a stock market swing that Psyche should take advantage of. A big fall in the market will be precipitated by a fit of uncontrollable hiccups by a member of Congress. This is as logical as any other reason the market moves, including a couple of 6 year olds on a playground fighting over who gets the swings next, a local man not getting enough mustard on his side-walk vendor hotdog, and a hailstorm in Vancouver. It might be prudent to sell now and take one's gains as the heavenly bodies are planning a mid-month conference call to discuss profits.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Phoebe's Nicotine patch influences her desire for spicy food and swarthy men this month, which leads to an odiferous après sex moment in the bedroom. The patch has in fact damped her hunger for cigarettes but increased her appetite for body art, including some inappropriate tattoos on her lower back. Her grade school transcripts will be posted, along with a fan letter she wrote to George Clooney, causing confusion and long periods of inaction from her partner when she tries to have sex doggie-style.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
No matter what the stars and planets do to thwart it, there's no getting around a big family gathering this month. It may not be called "Thanksgiving" at your house; in fact it might be called "Sobering Up Dad", or "Getting Lisa Out of the Bathroom So Someone Else Can Get In There Already", but no matter what you call it, there will be a lot of food on a big table, at least 6 bottles of cheap wine, and a dish with mini-marshallows. Make sure you invite someone who wouldn't otherwise be invited anywhere; it's the right thing to do, even if that "someone" is your mother-in-law.
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.