PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Say "Be My Valentine": Let Us Count the Ways!

As ridiculous as it may sound, clubbing a man over the head with a bat and dragging him into your love den has been interpreted by people who belong to fringe groups like the "police" and the "courts" as somehow criminal. What in heaven's name is a girl to do?!

We at Happy Woman want every one of you to score a valentine this year, so we've whipped up the perfect workarounds to ensure that you get some loving, and not 5 to 10 for "aggravated assault," whatever that means.

Pizza Delivery Gal

There is no law that we know of against delivering pizza any time of day or night. Like a sexy detective, uncover what pizza shop your object of desire orders from. Slap their logo onto the side of your car (free advertising!) and bribe one of their highschool delivery boys into giving you his silly pizza hat -- it's your ticket to love!

Now order some pizza for carry-out and slip it into the pizza tote you bought from amazon.com for only $40. (What price love?) Buzz your soon-to-be fella in his lobby. Remember, ladies: no man alive will turn down pizza, especially if he didn't order any. Besides, what man could resist your siren song of pepperoni over the intercom? Just think Marilyn Monroe as you purr, "I'm here with your pizza, darling!" If the lobby sports a security cam, all the better, you slinky exhibitionist. Pay no mind to the building manager; they all carry cell phones and pretend like they're calling the police.

Wake-up Call Gal

What man doesn't want a chipper voice on the other end of the phone to ease him into his busy work day instead of a clunky old alarm clock? For that matter, how about a relaxing voice at the end of the day to send him off to bed at night? And an efficient voice at noon offering the all the latest lunch specials within walking distance of his office? Using your imagination and 600 favorite photos of lover boy tacked onto your inspiration wall, you'll think up hundreds of perfect reasons to call him and make him realize he simply can't function without you! Remember our Happy Woman motto: "Be consistent and persistent!" Don't miss a single call and don't let a little thing like a secretary or a restraining order throw you off course -- he's just playing hard to get!

Mail Carrier Substitute Gal

Legally you're not supposed to impersonate a federal employee, but that can't possibly extend to faux subs looking for love! With the rope you've set aside for hanging yourself should things not go as planned (very last resort!), climb the tree closest to your heartthrob's bedroom window and then swing on in to give mail delivery that personal flair. If honey's not home, add your own love note to his otherwise humdrum stack of mail and thoroughly tear up anything that might distract him from your words of ardor. You can use it as bed confetti! It's those little touches that gets a man's attention, ladies!

Free Lawn Maintenance Gal

There certainly can't be any law against pruning bushes or mowing the lawn! Imagine his delight as he turns into the driveway after a grueling day at the office only to find you, the future light of his life, with a gleaming pair of pruning shears in your gloved hands! Pay no attention to his gallant protestations as you fire up the lawnmower and carve a love message into the grass. Forget-me-nots like "Please be mine" or "If I can't have you, no one will" are sure to quicken his pulse, the precursor to passionate romance! And because you know how to make a lasting impression, slip a blood-red rose behind his ear while refusing payment for services rendered. Now that's lawn maintenance with a love-time guarantee!

© 2009 Kate Heidel

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

 

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