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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Shame is the New Pride!

By Molly Schoemann

It's not easy being a single woman in these troubled times. A crumbling economy means shoe prices are skyrocketing. With our country at war, the best and the brightest eligible bachelors have been shipped overseas for increasingly lengthened tours of duty-and most will return with crippling physical and emotional problems that will make them depressing to be around.

Recent studies have shown that a single woman past the age of twenty-seven has a better chance of finding a door in the back of her wardrobe that leads to a magical land of enchantment than she does finding a date for Saturday night.

The odds, in other words, are against us. So what's a girl to do? Desperate times call for desperate measures. But there's no rule saying you can't be desperate with flair. After all, desperation in three-inch red spike heels and fishnets looks hotter than desperation in sensible flats. In this spirit, we hope you enjoy these three simple rules designed to help you feel like it's raining men, even as the dating pool continues to drain.

Rule # 1: Stop Kidding Yourself

So your Mother insists that you're a great catch? Your coworkers are always going on about how they can't believe you're still single? Snap out of it, sister. You're no prize. You're still single because you've got problems. Your cuticles are a disgrace, your taste in music is questionable and there's dust on your houseplants. People notice these things, for heaven's sake. Remember that guy you turned down for a date because he was only a plumber and you thought you could do better? Think again. Do you see any other men lining up to snake your drain? Maybe you'd better pick up the phone. He could be your last chance. Of course, you're welcome to wait around for someone more deserving to come along, but don't come crying to me in ten years when your cat has a restraining order against you.

Rule # 2: No More"What Ifs"

We've all had that relationship that seemed perfect at the time, but somehow just didn't work out. Well, we're all fools. Stop biting your nails and watching Gilmore Girls reruns while wondering what it would have been like if you could have just tried a little harder with that special ex. Get out your little black book and call him up, right now. I'll wait here.

Why, maybe it was just bad timing the first go-around. Maybe he wasn't ready for commitment, or you had just gotten out of another relationship. Maybe you hated his family. Or he wanted you to get a boob job. Or you belittled his limited vocabulary one time too many. Maybe he kept knocking up stewardesses. Whatever minor quibble came between you, surely the passage of time has healed it by now?

Where love once grew, love can grow again, if you only open up your heart and make a few sniveling phone-calls. Don't forget that as an ex, he already knows that you have hideous morning breath and ugly toes! If he's even willing to give it another shot with someone like you, consider yourself lucky. Even if you find yourself in the exact same unhappy boat you were in before, you should cling to him for dear life. After all, you're older now, and it's scarier to be on your own. You don't want to worry about "what if" you find yourself dying and alone and have to dig your own sad little grave.

Rule # 3: Listen and Learn

This rule is very straightforward, and it can be boiled down to one simple phrase: Do what others tell you. Why bother learning to trust your own confusing instincts, when it's so obvious to everyone around you what you're doing wrong? Never underestimate the authority of family, friends, coworkers, and complete strangers when it comes to telling you how to dress, who to see, and what to do with your life. If I know you, you are deluged every day with well-meant words of wisdom that you do not heed. Thoughtful advice like, "you'd look better with blue eyeshadow", and "maybe he wouldn't cheat so much if you weren't such a needy whiner". You hear this advice, but you don't listen, and it's probably costing you valuable happiness.

In Closing:

Ladies, remember those heady days of your youth, when you struck out on your own, determined to make a name for yourself in the world and compromise nothing for your values? You were so funny back then. And you've learned quite a lot in the intervening years; the most important thing being that your values are meaningless if you can't even keep a man around to half-listen bemusedly while you try to explain them to him. I hope these three simple rules will provide you with the support and guidance you clearly need in order to make it in tough times.

THER HW ARTICLES BY MOLLY SCHOEMANN

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Molly Schoemann grew up in New York City and moved to Boston by way of Honolulu (possibly she took a wrong turn somewhere). She most recently moved to Garner, NC. What can I say? She likes moving. Molly began writing humor and satire during her freshman year at Bard College. Visit Molly at: www.mollyschoemann.wordpress.com.