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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Six Simple Steps to Spice up Your Sex Life

By Sarah Schaffner

Well, well, well. You used all your powers of persuasion to trap a man, and now you've gone and let the fire go out. You mistakenly believed that enticing him with the promise of matching lingerie, "Oh, I always wear lacy bras and panties from Victoria's Secret. It's a little gift to myself," and seducing him with your arsenal of perfumes- lulling him into a false sense of security that you would always smell like lavender and baby unicorns-would be enough. But countless sightings of you in your granny panties (Come on. Is every day laundry day?) and mustache bleach has finally doused what little glowing embers of passion you had left. You long for the good old days of dragging him out to over-crowded bars, ignoring him all night to talk to your friends, flirting with other guys to make him jealous, then having an irrational screaming match in the parking lot followed by a sloppy make-out session in the cab ride home. Now he's always just THERE. Eating noodles in front of the TV in his underwear. Never Fear. If you follow these Six Simple Steps, you can put the spark back in that dangerously unstable firestorm you call a relationship.

1. Cheating. We know, we know. Haven't we all been down that road before? And after six margaritas and what you're pretty sure were some 'ludes from the busboy, it did not go over so well. But this time it's different. Now, it's in the name of Science. So consider this a research project where you will be "studying" with different "study partners." After all, practice makes perfect, and how else are you supposed to know what the kids are doing these days if you don't get out there and see for yourself? Trust us, he'll thank you for it. After all, wasn't it Gandhi who said "The ends always justify the means?" Maybe not all those words in that exact order, but we're pretty sure he has said some of them at one time or another.

2. Complaining. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Maybe he just doesn't realize how inadequate he is. And it's your responsibility to inform him. Often. Let him know exactly what it is that bugs you about his performance. In the spirit of multi-tasking, it is also appropriate to bring up other grievances at this time. For example: How many times have I asked you to not kiss with so much tongue, and not to leave your wet towels on the bed?

3. Drinking. There's nothing like a little liquid courage to get the party started. And alcohol has been helping people do embarrassing things for years. You know from experience that after seven buttery nipples your legs take on a jelly-like quality and are able to contort in otherwise unnatural ways. This type of flexibility can come in handy when trying new things. And if it ends badly and you feel awkward, remember the wise old adage that got you through most of college: If you don't remember it, it never happened.

4. Crying. This is particularly effective when done in front of third parties in public settings. Tears in public add that extra urgency you need for him to take you seriously. Throw in some hysterical blubbering, and you've got his full attention now.

5. Silent treatment. When all else fails, there's always the old stand-by technique of shutting down and refusing to speak, except in curt, monosyllabic answers. Passive-aggression is far too underrated as a communication tool. Nothing says "There's something wrong" louder than tense, angry silence.

6. Complaining. What? We said this one already? We don't recall that. Okay look, there were really only five steps. But we like alliteration, and Five Fimple Feps just sounds stupid.

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY SARAH SCHAFFNER

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sarah Schaffner is a freelance writer and editor living in Baltimore, MD with her husband Jeff, son Avery and three poorly behaved dogs. She writes a monthly humor column in For Her Information magazine and depending on who you talk to, she may or may not have been a commodities broker at one time.

Contact Sarah