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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: The crappy economy is ruining my wedding! How am I supposed to enjoy my one day as a princess, when all I’ve been doing the past year is pinching pennies like a pauper? It’s like there is a big rain cloud over my head, pouring bills and debt onto my parade!
Bride with a Big, Bad Budget
MAGS: You are so in luck! There are two things I am super talented at! The first is using my imagination to make budgets, and the second I am not allowed to print, or do at work near the photocopiers anymore.
I’m not sure you get what a budget is. It’s just a suggestion from banks and companies and men about how much cash a lady gets each time! So if you spend the right amount of money to get the right low-cut dresses, you only get more! Here are some budgeting tips that have helped me out:
1.) Wear lingerie instead of regular clothes! I think in this case men and banks and companies, plus men at banks and companies all agree!
2.) Flirt with everybody! Flirt with men, ladies, old men and ladies! People like when you flirt! They give you stuff. Well, they give me stuff. I don’t know what you look like. Ooh, one time I flirted with this guy’s pet parrot. I said “Pretty Polly!” Turned out the parrots name was Xavier! Oopsie! He tolerated my ignorance and bought me drinks, anyway. This situation made me a better person. How, you ask? Well I am now way less racist against house pets. I don’t discriminate. I will drink with ANY bird.
3.) Flirt with the guy you are going to marry! Have your sexiest friends flirt with him, too! AND have those friends flirt with his dad, because it will be like shopping at two banks at the same time!
As long as you serve alcohol and play sex music, your wedding will be a hit! Remember a budget is anything you dream it to be!
DAGS: Sex music? Listen, at my wedding we had my Great-Aunt Lillian croon “As Time Goes By”, and we did just fine for ourselves! Great-Aunt Lillian outdid herself, and NOT just because she looks identical to Jimmy Durante in his heyday!
Stop boo-hooing, you brat-to-be! So you have a budget, WAAHHHH! Did you expect life to be fair when you were all snuggled up in the womb, listening to mama’s heartbeat? Well, I never did! I never snuggled in the womb! I have rejected most if not all human interaction and it has made me STRONG!
Take your guest list and cut anyone who owes you money. Now cut any guest who is likely to have a mid-life crisis and ask to borrow money from you. Now cut anyone with an attractive wife or girlfriend. Only keep close relatives on the list, but specifically ones slated to die in the next five to seven. We’re talking INHERITANCE! I’m saying OLD! Or did you think I asked Great-Aunt Lillian to sing “As Time Goes By” solely because I admire her five o’clock shadow?
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Is it better to get married over a holiday weekend, giving the guests more time to rest and travel? Please help me settle this once and for all. Fiancé and I have a bet going, and I want a day-spa massage!
MAGS: Did you get your massage yet? I’m on the edge of my seat, and not just because there are two construction workers sitting under me! Are we just announcing what we want? Ooh, this is fun! Okay, my turn! I want a mojito! No, a Daiquiri! No, wait! Okay, I decided! I want a Gravitation Pull on Fourth and Lexington with a Flaming Chocolate Igloo and I don’t care that it’s illegal to concoct in nine different states!
Guests don’t like going to weddings, but they like drinking and dancing! I like getting drunk on the beach! I take my clothes off! Maybe work with that? I do my best traveling when I’m unconscious! There is nothing like waking up in strange cities with strangers! You know what I always say when that happens? This is strange! I hope I’ve helped you as much as these construction workers have helped me!
DAGS: You want, you want! Well, I want a regular bowel movement and world peace where I am the sole dominator of society! Some things are NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!
Let me guess, you are having one of those cutesy, arrogant affairs that last three days longer than the actual wedding? Where people have to go to your brunch and your croquet game and your weenie roast? Who do you think you are? Some A-List celebrity like Tom Selleck? Just because you might look like Tom Selleck doesn’t mean you are Tom Selleck! If I had to learn this, then so will you! Yes, I inherited my rakish good-looks from my father’s side of the family. Mother always said, with some envy, that I was a very handsome woman. However, that is neither here nor there!
Hey, why not get married on Christmas Day? Yeah, you can give all your guests lumps of coal as favors! Twit is just another word for “you”!
Mags has a new pamphlet out! It’s called Stock Tips for the Recession! She’s advising everyone to invest in either beef or chicken broth. Unless of course you are a vegetarian! In this case, there is a very informative “Vegetable Stock Tips” section. The pamphlet costs $12.99. This doesn’t include shipping and handling, but does include naked pics of Mags. Now we’re cookin’!
Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.
Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.
©2010 Christina Delia