JANUARY HOROSCOPES
For All the Goddesses That We Are
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ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Athena especially hates the long cold slog to spring, unless of course she lives in LA in which case she’ll have about 10 days of light drizzle before the return of warmth, sunshine and giant sunglass-wearing celebrities. (By this we don’t mean that the celebrities are giants – in fact most are quite short and stand on boxes to act, except in action movies where they use Segways). But January brings the guilty pleasures of bad movies with their bad movie fonts that make them so easy to spot and then to attend with lowered expectations (Jennifer Aniston! This will be very average indeed!), or to avoid, since everybody knows that when a studio chooses the Helvetica font to advertise their movie, they’ve already given up.
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JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
If Juno was a different person, this being the beginning of the New Year, she would have already gathered her tax documents, dumped her old coats off at the Salvation Army and taken down the Christmas tree. But because Juno was born under the sign of denial, the tree is still up (and in fact there’s still torn wrapping paper beneath it), the coats are still cluttering up the closet, and she has no idea where that folder with all her 2009 stuff is. But the New Year brings change to Juno’s old ways as she resolves to Get Organized. This could prove traumatic, especially to the family of opossums living in the upstairs bathroom, but destiny trumps marsupials every time.
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APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) This month brings renewed optimism to the job hunt. It’s time to update your resume and get back into the game, even if it means lying wildly about your education, past experience, and the circumstances around the end of your last job. Is it your fault if the economy tanked just as you were found carting one of the office computers out in your briefcase? And why do banks and car companies in the U.S. get bailed out and you can’t borrow $280 from petty cash for a really nice pair of boots? Aphrodite is wise to keep her attitude upbeat about these things and what they mean to prospective employers. Take the offensive: ask the interviewer if that is, in fact, his wife in that picture, and if so, why isn’t he wearing his wedding ring, and doesn’t he worry that perhaps interviewing single women thusly might constitute sexual harassment, and is he sure they can’t do a little better on the salary?
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DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
Yikes! The Christmas bills are piling up for Diana. You didn’t realize how many nieces and nephews you had until you saw that VISA bill, and even as you trace your finger down the long list of purchases you wonder what you were thinking. Was it really necessary to buy a one-year old child jodhpurs and a riding crop? And couldn’t the newborn have gotten along without the chef’s toque and matching apron? Cuteness has its limits which Dianas need to recognize and adhere to. Just because a child has chubby cheeks and didn’t throw up on her, it doesn’t entitle them to a leather journal and a silver fountain pen. And just because they hilariously fed all their mashed potatoes to the family dog, it doesn’t mean they should get a set of monogrammed towels. The end of the month may prove stressful since Diana doesn’t quite remember exactly what that little electric car she got for her sweet little nephew cost, and she can’t return it now since the parents are using it to drive back and forth to work.
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DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)Demeter regrets some choices she made last year and vows not to make them again in 2010, particularly this one where she agreed to go on vacation with a Pandora who brought more clothes on this 9 day trip than Demeter has in all her closets at home, combined. So the 12th through the 21st will be an annoying series of hassles having mostly to do with finding Pandora’s earrings (“No, the green pair – to go with my green pants, silly!”), and then her shoes (“They were right here, I swear…”), and then realizing that neither of you can find the card keys to the room, and your reservation is for 8pm and it’s 8:10pm and you still have to get one of those local taxis to get to the place. Things get better once Demeter makes a connection with the bartender and starts enjoying free martinis as well as evenings that have very little to do with clothes at all. The end of the month brings a happy surprise in the form of two adorable new blouses Demeter finds in her suitcase once she gets home, that she has no intention of returning to Pandora.
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VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)Back to the gym for Vesta! The New Year brings a renewed resolution to lose those 10 pounds Vesta has been trying to lose since 2001. She ties her resistance to that New Year’s Eve night when she found her boyfriend making out with their waiter in the mixed gender restrooms right after the waiter asked him “You seem gay; would you like flat or bubbly water?” But 2010 is the beginning of a new decade in which Vesta will get a handle on her appetite for French fried potatoes and effeminate men, relegating both to her past and moving on to Double Stuffed Oreos and men who hate their mothers.
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PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) 2010 brings good luck to Persephone in her search for a new home! This time she wants one that comes with windows, and a bathroom with water she doesn’t have to haul in with buckets. She’s not looking for much; just a place she can lay her head without plaster falling onto it; where the mice stay on their side of the kitchen, and the neighbors can’t punch a hole in the wall to communicate their displeasure with her musical choices. This place will have an elevator shaft that comes with an elevator, a laundry room with washers and dryers (instead of just a big sink with rocks), and a “bike room” that’s not the super’s apartment. Now that she’s found her special place, the next step is finding the money to buy it. Maybe next month?
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LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda’s 2010 resolution to find a professional money manager to help her with her finances will make life less stressful in the coming decade. Her 2000 resolution that China was the place to invest her money didn’t quite work out as planned. If it wasn’t for the defective tires, the poisoned milk, the tainted pet food, the lethal toothpaste, the cancerous children’s jewelry and the radon-infused sheetrock that China exported, perhaps she could have made a profit. Wasn’t there one thing that China exported that didn’t kill or maim? It will be up to Leda’s new advisor to figure that out. In the meantime, her investment strategy will center around domestic products like… um… does the U.S. produce anything anymore? Besides ill-fated wars?
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ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Just when you think you have your partner figured out, he or she does something to confound you. After a decade together, Echo thought she understood all the quirks of her live-in lover, but his 2010 resolution to grow a beard like Brad Pitt’s conflicts with Echo’s resolution to get him to shave his moustache. This leads to a hair-centered series of conflicts, in which he won’t shave his beard, so Echo won’t shave her legs. He then refuses to trim his ear hair, and so Echo no longer plucks her eyebrows. He refuses to clip the hairs growing out of his nose and so Echo will no longer wax her pubic region. This leads to a tangled love affair in which, in fact, Echo’s partner’s beard gets tangled in her pubic hair, which leads to an embarrassing phone call to a neighbor to come over with a pair of salon scissors and a blank expression.
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PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) The 12th through the 21st bring a new man into Pandora’s life! Why only 9 days of new love? Because this man is the towel boy at the resort where she’s staying and she can’t afford to extend her reservation, especially with the tips she’s giving this guy. Her girlfriend (a Demeter – see above) has had better luck, having hooked up with the bartender, so at least they’re getting free drinks, but this kind of love is not to be confused with the kind where you actually marry the guy, move in together and start making caustic comments about each other’s grooming habits. After the 21st, a sense of melancholy falls over Pandora as she realizes that it’s not who you sleep with that’s important, but the thread count of the sheets, and then she realizes that she just thought that, and then she wonders if she’s really cut out for a long term relationship.
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PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This is your month to shine! Unfortunately, that shine is due to a hormonal imbalance which also means it’s your month for hot flashes, frequent urination, lower back pain and eczema. Unless you want to be mistaken for a lighthouse, hobble on over to your gynecologist and get a refill on those little red pills which have no hormones but make everything seem hilariously funny, including your weeping eye. While you wait until they take effect, you can drape your glowing torso with Swifter wet mop pads, and settle into bed to watch the whole season of “Weeds” which you put off until the kids went back to school. Psyches know how to make the most of a bad situation; those Swiffer pads are reusable!
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PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) 2010 brings a new attitude for Phoebe who spent last year seething about her treatment by a friend who friended her on Facebook, and then de-friended her when Phoebe didn’t join her “Which Reality Star’s Plastic Surgery You Most Admire” group, and then refriended her when she was trying to raise money for her pet cause: “Aquatic Sea Birds Without Partners”. This month Phoebe decides that the whole Facebook thing is not worth the time and effort it takes to keep up with all these people she’s spent years trying to lose track of, and wonders how difficult it would be to bring back the fine art of duelling, so that instead of defriending people, she can just shoot them.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
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THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
2010 brings a new day-planner and a new calendar! They always look so promising at the beginning of the year, with their pristine pages and all those dates waiting to be filled up with things that will never get done, birthdays that won’t be noticed until the following week and blocks of time reserved for the cable guy to not show up. This year Thalia plans to use a color-coding system to demarcate things that involve friends, things that involve family, and things that involve lawsuits. Last year she confused a court appearance with a family reunion and ended up suing her second cousins. This wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t countersued her, and now next year’s family reunion will be held at a Small Claims Court in upstate New York.
©2010 Debra Victoroff
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