ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
From the 9th through the 20th Athena will be in heartfelt discussions with her Toyota dealer as she tries to leverage the sticking accelerator recall to get a repair to her front fender. Although she’s trying to blame the fender’s destruction on the stuck accelerator, the fact of the matter is, she rear-ended some guy in a Lexus when she was distracted by the fact that the head of his front seat passenger kept disappearing beneath the dashboard. She’s not the first driver to have caused a collision while their mind was on sex; statistically this is the cause of 83% of all car accidents in the Northern Hemisphere. The unusual factor in this case was that the front seat passenger of the guy was a Malamute. In the Southern Hemisphere, the passenger is typically a Llama.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
This month Juno essentially gives up on finding a husband, and instead sets her sights on a dog. These are much easier to fall in love with, to live with and to clean up after, even before they’re housebroken. She heads for the pound which is where all the best dogs are to be found; cuter and smarter than pure breds, and forever loyal to whomever gets them out of there. This strategy can apply to men as well, particularly if you pay their bail, or finance their new invention: typically something involving sports or lawn care. But even if you offer aid to a man, he will not always look at you adoringly as your dog will, and in fact will do the wildest gyrations in bed to stay away from your cold feet, whereas a dog will simply lie down on them. Finally Juno will have someone to have dinner with on Valentine’s Day, even if it the main course is Kibbles and Bits.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) This month, Aphrodite decides to “give back” to her community. Giving back is such a complicated concept for Aphie considering her relationship with the Community Board. Last year they refused to give her a variance to exhibit her 16 life-sized nude plaster statues of herself in her own yard. They also voted against her proposal to put doggie porto-potties in the park, as well as her idea to train pigeons to pick up litter. Were her ideas any worse than those of that fruit-bat lady who suggested they put scented candles in the park bathrooms, which led to the burning down of all the park bathrooms? She doesn’t think so. Perhaps volunteer to bring something new and different to the bake sale, like last weekend’s calamari.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
Valentine’s day is coming up and Diana suffers the anxiety of not knowing who she will be with that night. Dating two men at a time is exhausting, particularly when they are both aiming to nail her on the 14th and she’s not 100% she wants to sleep with either of them. This calls for a weeding-out process that should begin today and be completed no later than the 13th. Which one is the most likely to make her happy in the long run? Which one makes her happiest in the short run? Is there a middle run? Are either of these guys runners? Should she be dating an athlete, who will inspire her to be more active, or should she date the one who likes to watch reruns of “The Office” and has a complicated chart of all the channels it appears on so that he never has to watch anything else? The countdown has begun for Diana. As it turns out, we have it on good authority that both these guys are also dating other women, so Diana should know that she’s not the only one with decisions to make.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)Demeter gets a happy surprise this month when after 6 months of trying, she finds she’s pregnant. It’s all so new and exciting and she can’t wait to tell the guy she’s been seeing since he was involved in some way, and might want to be part of bringing this little being into the world; breaking its little spirit and assisting it in growing up with low self esteem, a lack of balance and a complete inability to catch a fly ball. This is the very reason why people want to make other humans; so they can finally be taller than someone else and have someone to whom they can say, “you’ll understand when you’re older” and then, when they’re older, forgetting what it was they were supposed to explain in the first place.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)Vesta is delighted this month as her favorite show in the world that she hates more than anything in the world, has returned to the airwaves. Yes, “Lost” is back, and it’s more confusing than ever! It’s so convoluted now that Vesta isn’t sure if she’s watching a new episode or a repeat or whether in fact she’s actually watching “Two Guys and a Pizza”. Vesta has accepted that she is one of those people who has so little going on in her life that her evenings revolve around a TV program that drives her crazy when she tries to apply any rule of logic like the passage of time, or the lack of anyone having bad breath after not brushing their teeth for 332 days. Next month, Vesta realizes that she has a roommate when “Lost” is preempted by the Olympics.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) February brings new friends; not for Persephone but for her teenage son who has hooked up with a crowd that must be magnetized for all the metal that seems to have risen up from workshops and flung itself into their flesh. These kids wear jewelry in their noses; not the cute little pieces stuck like a blackhead above a nostril, but actually through that sensitive piece of flesh that bridges the nostrils. This is horrifying not only for obvious reasons but because later this month the kid will have a cold and the prospect of watching him blow his nose is not a pretty one. Persephone is not sure how to handle this other than to keep her son out of the basement workshop and far away from the microwave. Next month Persephone finds her son building a suspension bridge between his nipples.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)Between the 10th and the 15th Leda takes the “Activia Challenge” in the hopes of winning a medal or perhaps some cash. Although the commercials never specify exactly what the “challenge” is other than buying yogurt and eating it, Leda believes this is one competition she can win. On or about the 15th, Leda realizes she has not gotten up from the toilet for 2 days and wonders if the awards ceremony is going to take place in her bathroom, in which case, she better put on some make-up in case they decide to broadcast the show. On the 16th, Leda’s family decides they can’t “hold it” anymore and start using the cat box. The cat runs away on the 17th.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)February brings the beginning of the Olympics and a compulsion on Echo’s part to stay home and watch the opening ceremonies just to see what crazy outfits the Koreans will wear in their march into the stadium. Last year they arrived thinking it was a giant Halloween party, dressing up like Darth Vader’s storm troopers. Just as entertaining are the Americans who arrive every four years with a tribute to Jackie Kennedy, pillbox hats and all, and these are the men. But perhaps Echo’s favorites are the Italians who march in looking like Hollywood agents in their Armani suits, smoking cigarettes and trying to pick up the Swedish women. Now this is the kind of competition Leda enjoys!
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Saturn’s influence lands Pandora in a meeting with her IT crew who can’t seem to pay attention to the subject at hand, so enamored are they of their handheld electronic devices. Between the iPhones, Blackberries, Droids and Kindles, Pandora notices that half the staff is frozen in their tracks like wind-up toys that get as far as a wall and then stop. These guys always looked to Pandora as if their sex lives consisted of a private evening with their right hand but now it appears they’ve all managed to find partners in the shape of smart phones. She tries sending out a memo in the form of a sext but the guys interpret her “center of pleasure” as her motherboard. Even Saturn can’t believe these guys.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) After 12 years, Psyche has a breakthrough in therapy when she realizes that she can blame all her personality flaws on her parents. She finally realizes she’s in control of her adult life – the self-esteem issues, the broken spirit and her complete inability to catch a fly ball, even when it’s real low and practically falling into her glove in slow motion – all of these issues are manageable when one realizes that one’s parents projected their own failures onto their only legacy, and one has only to use the fine process of blame to rebuild one’s life. Next month, Psyche decides to blame her inability to have an orgasm on her mother, which leads to an awkward phone call.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Phoebe starts dancing lessons in a last ditch attempt to meet men. Although it’s well known that men consider dancing akin to going to a bridal shower only without the cupcakes, and the ones that can dance typically don’t want to dance with women, there is always that tiny chance that there is a guy who has finally realized this is where all the women are. In fact there is one guy there that seems to want to hold her hand and spin her around as well as grind his pelvis against her in a seductive manner, which is ok with Phoebe until she recognizes this guy as the same fellow who was seductively grinding against her last week in the subway. After a moment of complete disgust she figures what the hell, and picks up the finer points of the Macarena.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
Thalia is thrown into despair when stock market crashes, along with her computer, at the same time her printer decides it doesn’t want to release any of its ink onto the blank page. This couldn’t come at a worse time, as Thalia has promised her boss that she’d get that big report out to him while she works from home (and catches up on “As the World Turns”). Now she has no report, no money and no credibility. This is due to a close passage between the planets Saturn and Jupiter whose orbits aren’t even close to each other but who decided to take short cuts so they could finish work early and go out drinking with the rest of the solar system. Things get back to normal when the solar system can’t find a bar that will let them in without valid IDs.
©2010 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.