ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Athena’s birthday has her reviewing her life and her work and her upper thighs. Should she get off the treadmill now and start living the life she always envisioned for herself? The one where she splits her time between a pied a terre in Manhattan (terrace facing the water, heated towel bars, dishwasher that remains closed during the rinse cycle), and a rustic farmhouse in the country (4 acres, a big garden, good-looking farmer next door). How did Athena end up in a studio apartment with a foldout bed and a view of a brick wall? Why does her life consist of meetings with vending machine re-suppliers and dishwasher repairmen? Something’s got to give. Get off the treadmill, Athena (turn it off first, to avoid a concussion), and pursue your joy. Start with the dishwasher. Jupiter says: “The secret to fulfillment is to scrape the dishes before you put them in.”
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) A rash of earthquakes around the world has Juno wondering if it’s her fault. Juno has a tendency to be self-centered but this is ridiculous. She remembers that, right before the disaster in Haiti, she planted a row of azaleas near the garage and wonders if her digging disturbed the tectonic plates in the southern hemisphere. She also thinks that the guy at the cheese counter at Whole Foods has a crush on her, that her sister in law is talking about her behind her back, and that everyone at work wants to hear about her recent appointment at the podiatrist. There is a point at which self-involvement is a hindrance to day to day functioning and Juno crossed the line when she invited all her Facebook friends to join her group: “Everything Is About Me, Me, Me.”
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) You are happy about the arrival of spring but you really wish this year you had a boyfriend. The weather is warm, the leaves are blowing in the breeze and the flowers are blossoming everywhere. Young couples are strolling hand in hand, birds are chirping brightly, and there is a certain energy in the air. It all adds up to a severe case of horniness and frankly, after 18 years, your husband is just not up to the task. A boyfriend is what everyone (except heterosexual men) wants in the spring, whether they’re already married or not, and we understand this. Be careful, Aphrodite that your desire does not lead you to an inappropriate relationship and yes, we do mean Mark Finklestein.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) OMG! Diana’s in luck! It’s the spring sale season and there are discounts to be found everywhere she looks. A new pair of shoes would look wonderful with a new dress, and you can’t get a new dress without just the right spring coat, and OMG, wouldn’t that coat look cool with a pretty pastel scarf, and that scarf will blow away without a broach to weigh it down. The broach comes with a matching pair of earrings which would look great with that blue necklace and OMG did you see that Kate Spade bag with the little flower details? And did you see that absolutely great hat that Echo was wearing last Sunday? OMG it was adorable! You have to get one – Echo is perfectly ok with it as long as you call her before you guys meet to make sure you’re not both wearing them. The hat would just pick up the dark brown stripe on the coat collar, but then OMG, you would really need another pair of shoes if you were going to wear the coat and the hat together. OMG, Diana just went over her credit limit again!
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22 A planetary imbalance affects the 3 key houses that influence Demeter’s daily functioning. First of all, Demeter’s local House of Pancakes will stop serving the breakfast special and Demeter will have to pay full price for two eggs, bacon, and three silver dollar-sized pancakes. Secondly, Demeter’s local dance venue will stop playing “House” music, and will begin featuring 70’s disco hits. Finally, on Demeter’s favorite show, “House”, the lead character, House, finally sleeps with Cuddy. Later this month, the planets regain their equilibrium and all three “Houses” go back to normal, meaning that House’s affair with Cuddy was a dream (again!), frustrating Demeter to no end. Next month, we are lead to believe that Cuddy and House have sex again, but this time it’s Cuddy’s dream.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta is ready for new challenges this spring and, inspired by last year’s hit film “Julie and Julia”, starts off April by joining a cooking class. Vesta has never really mastered the kitchen nor all those appliances in there except perhaps the refrigerator, at which she is an expert. The class supposedly offers recipes that are quick and easy for the neophyte chef, but even these pose a challenge to Vesta, requiring that she chop up vegetables without having the green pepper fly off the cutting board or losing the tip of a finger. Vesta must also remember to preheat the oven (it took two classes to remember to turn it on), to PEEL the garlic before adding it to the soup, and to take expiration dates seriously. Vesta’s first guests should be getting out of the hospital early next week, just in time for her Chicken Parm.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) A moody boyfriend can ruin an outing, a party, or a relationship. Persephone knows this all too well, but has perhaps ignored it for too long. She needs to make some decisions about continuing this relationship, as she has spent too many Saturday nights offering apologies as she backs out of a room. Whenever they go out to dinner, there is a 20% chance Persephone’s boyfriend will get in a fight with the waiter, whether the waiter brings the menu too late, or the main course too early, or asks if everything is all right or refills their water. Lately they’ve taken to eating almost exclusively at drive thru restaurants, but even there her boyfriend got in a screaming fight with the guy on the intercom resulting in an unusually limp order of fries and a suspiciously watery Diet Coke. Persephone has no excuse for allowing this to continue and needs to stand up to this jerk, unless he is really fantastic in bed, in which case, eh, what’s a little argument now and then?
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) The evening of the 17th brings a windfall for Leda but not in the way she was hoping. Everybody else gets a monetary windfall but Leda’s will come in the form of a twelve-ton tree trunk crashing into her garage. April showers bring May flowers, true, but also freak hailstorms and the odd tornado. Although insurance covers the damage, Leda’s car is trapped in the collapsed garage and so she has to bum a ride from her co-worker Gina, who really, really likes to talk. The 18th through the end of the month brings mornings of office gossip (some good, most incredibly dull), but more often, long-winded reports of Gina’s bastard ex-husband, her worthless brother and this weird pain she’s been having in her side.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 )Pubic hair becomes an issue of grave importance when Echo begins dating a new fellow who really likes a clean venue for his ministrations, which are both generous and frequent. This is too good to pass up and so Echo submits to a total deforestation of her nether region. This is a first for Echo, and so she had no idea that one could get cold down there, and that frilly underwear could become a nightmare of itching, chafing and odd imprints. The last time a guy asked for a particular configuration, Echo had to find a shamrock template which was no easy feat, not to mention explaining it to the Russian girl at the salon. Echo discovers she’s not the only one in her circle who has reverted to wearing full coverage Carter’s cotton underpants, in layers.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) A close friend asks Pandora for advice which is both flattering and troubling since Pandora has never used Viagra herself and has only ever seen the commercials where everyone seems to be vacationing at places where the bathtubs are outdoors facing pretty vistas. Apparently one has to haul the water oneself, which would seem to lead to a cold bath and a bad back, which cannot possibly be conducive to a man’s erection, but who knows? Pandora suggests her friend start by trying it at home, indoors, in a bathtub with actual running water.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Spring means the blooming of flowers but also the beginning of allergy season for Psyche. It also brings the larger question of why it is the allergy medicine companies think that having a heavily Spanish accented actor voicing a bumblebee might make people run to the drug stores to buy their product? Yes, ok, we can accept that Antonio Banderas is cute but really people: he can’t speak English. And why is he a bumblebee? Maybe if he was a ragweed bush this would make some kind of sense, but a bumblebee has no allergies, nor does he cause people to sneeze and have watery eyes. And yet these companies have been paying this actor for years in the bizarre logic that Americans think that Spanish bumble bees are the pitchmen we will best respond to. This does not affect Psyche’s own affliction, but this month she is determined to figure this out or at the very least, find a Spanish allergy doctor.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Neptune has a big influence on Phoebe this month, sending good luck and a five-pound weight loss your way. This may have something to do with some bad shellfish Phoebe ingested between the 4th and the 10th, but it helps that Neptune made sure Phoebe was at home and not still away for the weekend when the first physical symptoms emerged. This planet is on your side this month, and along with the weight loss (making it so much easier to fit into that new Michael Kors dress she has in her closet), Phoebe can expect a phone call from a long lost love, a promotion at work, a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk and a good haircut for once. She still has to contend with a burst blood vessel in her left eye from all the vomiting, but her hair looks great.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy )Thalia has to wait until the end of the month for the message from the heavens above that she has made the right decision in leaving her old job for a new opportunity. She had this offer last month and took some time to consider the new position, weighing the pluses and minuses and also the long division of the dilemma, but now, even though she’s not that great at math, she’s made up her mind and will move on, saying goodbye to her old desk (as well as the lamp and the bulletin board, both of which have said they’ll write), to a new office with new office furniture that seems to be a little stand-offish but can be won over with a little furniture polish. Her new co-workers wonder who she’s talking to over in her cubicle, but once they get to know Phoebe’s attachment to inanimate objects, they will find it downright handy to have at least one associate who can get the big copier to make double-sided copies.
©2010 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.