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The trick here is whittling down the sheer avalanche of tackiness to the essentials of the very worst currently available. We guarantee that if your taste-free man is not completely satisfied, we'll throw in the Chia pet of his choice!
Tattoos by Metal Man
There are tattoos, and then there are tattoos by Metal Man of Teaneck, New Jersey. Nestled between a bagel shop and an Asian massage in Teaneck's sparkling Miracle Mile strip mall, Metal Man's renowned studio offers only full body tattoos of every state in the U.S., plus four Canadian provinces and the South Pacific getaway Pago Pago ("Don't ask," insists Metal Man. Okey-dokey!).
Apparently, tattoo practitioners are hotly engaged in a raging philosophical debate of which we were sorely ignorant until compiling our gift list for this article. We won't bore you with the technical details, but Metal Man belongs to the school of thought that nothing short of a full-body tattoo will suffice if one is a "real man." What one is with just a tattoo scattered here and there is so naughty we couldn't even find a rhyme for it that wasn't rated X! Metal Man, you rule our bad-taste world!
Man Rescaping by Neanderthal Rising
For the fellow who refuses to endure the tasteful results of one more manscape, Neanderthal Rising of Kansas City, Kansas, features the full Hairy Ape product line, catering to the man "who wants to let it all grow out."
Hairy Ape's "Ear Refuzzer" easily tops the list in popularity. Men reported mild hearing loss within only three weeks of starting this ear-hair restoration elixir.
Also a big seller in the Hairy Ape line is the "Chest Hair Maximizer" spray or gel, which claims to restore "the original lustre and thickness of your chest hair, even after multiple emasculating manscapes." Wow, can a loincloth and a cave be far behind?!
ACME Stale Tobacco Car Deodorizers
The motto of this wildly successful, small-town manufacturer is, "The world leader in stale-tobacco-scented car deodorizers." Catchy!
Just in case you miss the smell of stale tobacco since your honey quit smoking, ACME Tobacco Car Deodorizers offers a full range of tobacco-scented products to hang in your car, van, or sweat lodge.
First designed for use by sanitation workers who needed a mildly disgusting scent to mask really disgusting scents, ACME's founders, Mike and Jim Moran of Moose Lake, Minnesota, came up with the winning solution: "Recycle used cigarettes and cigars into inexpensive car deodorizers that will mask unpleasant odors produced by garbage, food stains, and your girlfriend's smelly perfume."
"That's the long version of our motto," says Mike. Stinky but true!
We suggest a tasteless starter package, which contains two deodorizers in each of ACME's three most popular scents: Old Luckies, Old Dutch Masters, and Old Secret Mixed Blend. ACME's not telling, but we think their secret blend contains a hint of sidewalk Marlboro Light!
Fingernail deshaping by MANiCURE
Give your man the long, shapeless fingernails he craves with a gift certificate to MANiCURE, the exclusive men's-only shop in Fayetteville, Louisiana's famed Little Croc Mall. Staffed by grumpy, tasteless manicurists who don't know a cuticle from a Q-tip, MANiCURE will lavish your man's nails with their patented "whatever happens to be on the manicure table at the time, honey." Now that's service!
Pre-holed socks by Dude Duds
"No one cares less about your socks than us, dude," claims the up-and-coming casual mens wear concern at dudeduds.com. Now when your guy pulls on his holey monstrosities, at least he'll think of you instead of his ghastly toenails. (See MANiCURE.)
Dude Duds has hundreds of beta testers just itching to pull socks on until they're full of naturally occurring holes. Big toe holes are the easiest to achieve, but Duds' testers are nothing if not persistent. They won't rest until at least two toes appear at the end of each sock.
"They even sleep in 'em," boasts Dude "George" Larson, co-owner of Dude Duds. We stand corrected! But that leads us to the bonus element of any tasteless sock purchase from "Duds" -- they also come pre-odored!
"We like to surprise our customers," says Mr. Larson. "We don't like to give away the whole enchilada, but I guess you just did. That's pretty tasteless." Why, thank you, Dude George!
Lifetime Subscription to Beef Jerky Magazine
Billed as "the monthly go-to for beef-jerky enthusiasts," this oh-so tasteless periodical will make your man drool in an unattractive manner days before the next issue appears in his mailbox.
We recently perused a well-worn copy at a local gas station, and were simply amazed at how easily jerky can fill the pages! Aside from the myriad recipes, there's sizzling jerky gossip, cutting-edge jerky technology, and last but not least, the hottest trends in the whole jerky universe. Here's just one little scoop to whet his appetite: Tell your tasteless fellow to be on the look-out for gyro jerky this Fall!
Best yet is when we can find our readers a tasteless double header. Therefore: if you order your subscription to Beef Jerky Magazine right now, you'll receive a complimentary order of "Bob's Homemade Possum Jerky" in the mail! No need to track your package online; when it arrives, somehow you'll just know.
© 2010 Kate Heidel
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL