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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Is Your Upholstery Driving Him Away?

You may have followed our advice to the letter and attracted the man of your dreams -- congratulations! Yet, what use is all that hard work when the couch you invite him to sit upon shouts, "Get out while you still can!"? Off he runs, into the arms of a woman no more beautiful than you, but with upholstery that coos, "You've come to the right place, darling. Stay awhile." Therefore, it is time we added "Upholstery 101" to our love archives!

Floral vs. Venus Fly Trap

Flowers are the essence of femininity, true, but they can also become the essence of spinster if you're not very careful. We suggest choosing your floral upholstery designs with the precision of a mathematician. You may therefore require some post-graduate work in applied calculus, because we are nothing if not calculating in matters of love!

Unlike some other women's magazines, however, we have full confidence in your ability to excel in higher mathematics. We're not completely sure, but triangles are almost certainly involved, as is proving theorems and the like. It really is beginning to sound like fun! And remember, if you need help after class, no one has ever turned down homemade brownies, so grease that pan!

Stripes vs. Prison Stripes

The straightforward stripe is a more masculine pattern choice, true, but we must be especially careful not to scare marriage material away with upholstery that declares, "ten years to life."

Soft colors are helpful, as are accents and accessories that bear no resemblance to chains or tin cups. And whatever you do, don't wear one of those key pendants that are all the rage while in lock-em-up distance of your love seat!

Play soothing music that makes no references to the "tender trap" or "jailhouse blues." Keep the lights low and your voice dulcet, and your striped upholstery will soon begin to soothe him with its plush predictability. Before you can say "conjugal visits," he'll be humming along to "Prisoner of Love" all on his own!

Brocade vs. Bride's Maid Brigade

Everyone agrees that brocade's richness is most desirable, but if you concentrate too much pastel in your living room collection, don't be surprised to see him clutching his throat while scanning the room for a best man! Colors with names like "mint," "sherbet," and "sky" should be stricken from your upholstery vocabulary. Such choices are better left for Gwyneth Paltrow's future offspring.

On the other hand, please don't go all goth on us and choose black brocade, unless you're intentionally channeling your inner Black Widow. You may be interested to learn that surveys show the majority of men report a "very strong" preference for survival after the sex act. Isn't that just like a man!

Chintz vs. No Chance

We all know that nothing pleases like the charming, Victorian sheen of a fine chintz, of any pattern or hue. But if you try to cut corners and opt for the chintzy chintz -- and sadly, ladies, there's plenty of it to be had -- your furniture will obtain that cheap, desperate shine that simply cries, "I'll trap the first man that comes through the door, and I probably can't cook worth a damn, either!" We're not sure why cheap chintz says that about your culinary skills, we only know that it does. Don't blame the messenger!

Therefore, do not cut corners on chintz, ladies. It will be there for you no matter how many men come and go. In fact, the highest quality chintz is so splendid that you may find yourself measuring the man against how he looks on your settee. Does he compliment the upholstery, or crudely clash with its elegant luster?

But that isn't fair to men, is it, because no mere male can hold a candle to superior chintz. Perhaps we've run into a subject for another day:

To Mate or to Chintz: What Would Martha Stewart Do?


© 2010 Kate Heidel

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL