EST. May 2000 (AD)


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5 Foods to Make You Look Ridiculously Younger

By Elizabeth Nap

Nutrition expert and celebrity trainer, Jill Atagirl, tells her octogenarian clients, “Age is not a number but a word and like all words can be changed to suit the occasion.”  One particular octogenarian client thought for a moment, a fleeting moment due to Alzheimer’s disease, and said, “Jill, you’re full of…” but then was distracted before finishing her thought.  Of course, we at Happy Women magazine absolutely agree with Ms. Atagirl.  In the great tradition of Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton, nothing helps our understanding of reality more than redefining the meaning of words.  But of course, Ms. Atagirl’s wisdom exceeds definitions; she has truly revolutionized our understanding of the power of food to make us younger, healthier, and fitter.  Looks, after all, do matter and better looks matter more.  So, let’s skip the introduction and get right to the 5 Foods that will make you look ridiculously younger according to Ms. Atagirl, celebrity trainer to the stars, because if it is good for celebrities, it is certainly good for ordinary folk like our dear readers (and not Dear Readers like that recently deceased Dear Leader of that oppressive country…just dear as in there is no need to bite the hand that feeds you…so keep buying the magazine, dear readers).

  Anyway, according to Ms. Atagirl, everybody knows that blueberries are really good for you.  As Ms. Atagirl says, “Blueberries have all those cancer fighting thingamajigs that those nerds in science class memorized the words for.  They are just really good for you.  So, eat them.”  We also have no idea why they are good for you but the research is out there and if you really have no social life because you don’t look younger then get a library card and knock yourself out.  As for the rest of you, just eat them.  Now, if you are too lazy to wash the blueberries, then buy blueberry pancake mix or even synthetic blueberries.  Your body is just not smart enough to know the difference between real blueberries and blueberry flavor and will react similarly to both.

  Fish is another power youth food according to Ms. Atagirl.  “Fish is like nature’s reversible or at least, that’s what I think it’s called.  You know that thing in red wine that turns back the hands of time.  Anyway, fish is just great and it doesn’t really matter how you get the fish.  If you have to kill a few whales, that’s just fine.  We are talking about looking younger and in this dog eat dog world of youth and beauty, if you let a little concern for the environment get in the way, you might as well become a radical lesbian who doesn’t shave under your arms because there is no way on God’s green earth that you are ever going to get and keep a man.  So, don’t worry about labels.  If it is fish, buy it.  If a few seals or whatever those animals are that get killed in the process are affected, well, those are the breaks.

  “My third super recommendation is yogurt.  Now, I know what you are thinking; you are thinking about those old and not very attractive Russian yogurt eaters in those commercials.  Look those commercials were made before beauty mattered in that really ugly decade: the seventies.  Eat yogurt.  It’s really good for you.”  Ms. Atagirl said this while smoking one of those electronic cigarettes.  According to Ms. Atagirl, it doesn’t matter if the yogurt is organic or not.  As Ms. Atagirl says, “If hormones are good for chickens, then they are good for us chicks.”  Ms. Atagirl also believes that by buying foods laced with hormones, a woman can get much cheaper hormone therapy for those perimenopausal years.

  The last two foods that Ms. Atagirl recommends are red wine and more red wine.  In fact, during our interview, Ms. Atagirl had several bottles of red wine saying that “if a little reversible is good for you then a lot of reversible is better for you.”  It did get increasingly difficult to gather the nutrition facts from Ms. Atagirl with each passing glass but given her generous nature, we were able to share a few cups with the girl.  Indeed, at one point, one of our interviewers asked Ms. Atagirl if she minded being referred to as a girl after all she is many years past being a girl.  Ms. Atagirl got so angry at the suggestion that she was not a girl that she dragged that interviewer out of the room like Tarzan dragging Jane by the hair.  Those hormones in non-organic food are also sometimes laced with steroids and these steroids have greatly increased Ms. Atagirl’s stamina and endurance.

  So, dear readers, get yourself together.  These five foods: blueberries, fish, yogurt, red wine, and red wine are the only items you need on your shopping list.  Just get off that sofa and get into your hopefully non-hybrid car because you don’t want to look like a radical lesbian if you want to get and keep a man while getting to the supermarket and liquor store.  Buy the five and for God’s sake, please do not write some lame letter about how there are only four foods in this article as opposed to five foods.  No man likes a smart woman.  So, just shut it.  Remember to keep your eyes on the prize.  This is not the SAT or some other aptitude test.  This is much deeper than that.

In good health and forever young,
  The Editors of Happy Woman Magazine

Elizabeth Napp
World History Teacher, Single Parent, Juggler