ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her work "House and Garden" has been garnering rave reviews and can be purchased at Amazon.com.

Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.

 

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Horoscopes Debra Victoroff

Last Month's Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)This is a cold, quiet time of the year, time to settle in and start reading some of those books you got for Christmas.  Of course it's difficult to find that block of free time to do so – so many people need your attention.  Spend an hour feeding, dressing, and listening to their complaints.  Then send them out on an errand and lock the door behind them, and prop a chair against that door and all other doors.  Nail up the windows.  Cancel mail delivery.  Throw your computer into the fire.  You can probably get through the first two chapters of "The Hunger Games" before they get back in.

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) You collected so many interesting recipes from all the parties and dinners you attended this past holiday season and February is the month to try them out.  Between the 7th and the 17th soufflés will rise to fluffy heights, but after the 20th, everything will come out lopsided and have a weird aftertaste.  The 15th is good for pasta dishes, but making Lasagna on the 19th will result in pasta bricks suitable only for building a prison.  Toss that Beef Wellington recipe – terrible month for pretentious food - and opt for the Beef Shapiro you had at that Bar Mitzvah.

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) It looks like you'll be starting a new job this month.  This is not necessarily your choice; you liked your old job, know it like the back of your hand, enjoy the people you worked with.   But you've been kicked "upstairs" – a promotion due to the fact that you're the only one who knows how to change the paper in the new copier.  Here on the 11th floor, Mark was promoted because he makes good coffee, Andrea was promoted because she keeps good candy on the jar on her desk, and Craig got his VP title because he knows all the good YouTube videos.  Can you really be happy surrounded by co-workers whose promotions were based on such petty achievements?  Yes, you most certainly can!

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) A look at your credit card statement brings true Shock and Awe.  What were you thinking when you bought those leather gloves for your sister-in-law, and does your niece really need an American Girl Doll with a cashmere sweater set?  You don't even have a cashmere sweater-set!  Debt needs to be addressed quickly, before it mushrooms out of control.  If it means cutting back on all those little luxuries on which you fritter away money, so be it.  Manicures and pedicures are out, as are expensive haircuts, facials, eyebrow threading, your gym membership and laser resurfacing.   Before you know it, you'll be back in the black, by which we mean you'll be so covered with hair you'll look like a Mountain Gorilla. 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)If you're feeling stressed out, why not head to the cinema to catch the newest offerings?  Nothing like sitting in a dark theatre being embraced by an adventure.  This may of course include the couple behind you who are making out loudly and wetly, as well as the guy two rows ahead who is actually eating a plate of nachos with melted cheese.  Pay no attention to the screaming child who never asked to watch Tom Cruise bungee jump off a tower in Dubai, and ignore the two old ladies who are arguing that this looks nothing like "Downton Abbey".  If you want to totally "embrace the adventure", turn around and tell the guy talking to the screen to shut the hell up.

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)The 10th through the 15th are the best dates for doctors' appointments, but only concerning things above the waist (ear nose and throat, mammograms, psychiatry).  The 20th is a great day to see your gyno.  Get a colonoscopy on the 24th but NOT the 25th.  The 27th 28th and 29th are the three best days to get your bunion looked at, but do NOT go to the dentist on the 28th.  Why?  Because he's going to Miami with his family and won't be around.  Physical therapy is best on the 25th, because that's when that cute Swedish guy is there. 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) It looks like true winter will never arrive.  Persephone feels bad she didn't campaign harder for Al Gore, since he predicted warm winter and erratic storms more accurately than Nostradamus on a good day.  It's not she doesn't like sunshine and warm winds but maybe not in February in Cleveland.  On the other hand, the future brings cost savings in that Persephone will no longer have to purchase tickets to Miami for spring break since it will be 80 degrees and sunny everywhere, including Minnesota.  She may have to deal with hurricanes, wild fires and acid bullets falling from the sky, but hotel rates will be very, very cheap.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) A family meeting is called when it's discovered that Leda's nephew has been staying up all night playing Legend of Zelda with weirdo strangers online.  It's difficult to keep kids from hooking up with strangers now that the Internet has made making connections with the outside world so easy.  Leda is familiar with this in her own life, having made a few weirdo connections of her own on Match.com, some of whom even suggested that they play "Legend of Zelda".   The meeting takes a turn for the worse when Leda realizes that she was one click away from arranging to have a drink with her nephew.

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)Tackle difficult projects in the beginning of the month to get them out of the way.  Assault the less appealing projects on the 10th through the 21st.  Punch errands right in the face, and kick assignments in the shins.  Bitch slap tasks, and short sheet jobs.  Push chores down the basement steps and talk bad behind housework's back.   Soon you'll find yourself with more free time to do the things you want, but stay alert in case your obligations decide to gang up and tackle YOU.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19)Once you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.  The trick is knowing how to "set your mind" to something, which involves a big reboot, downloading new drivers, and learning a new Operating System.  The new mindset has a few bugs which can only be discovered with use, including uncontrolled promiscuity, insatiable appetite, and explosive flatulence.  As with all new programs, workarounds can be found, one of which being adult diapers made of lead.

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)Your workload will be increasing as two of your coworkers are out on disability.  Another coworker is heading back to school and the coffee lady is quitting to open a lunch truck.  Your boss has been transferred, the IT guy got laid off and the mailroom fired a guy who was hoarding mail in his locker.  This makes this month difficult for you until you realize you're the only one left and have become the new President of the company. You give yourself a raise, award yourself a company car, and just before the company goes bankrupt, grant yourself a giant golden parachute, retiring to Costa Rica, to a giant mansion by the sea.  Congratulations!  You're now a Republican.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)If at first you don't succeed, throw a tantrum.  Your daughter taught you this strategy and it works beautifully for her: she seems to get everything she wants.  The rules for a successful tantrum are as follows: It has to take place in front of people that will be appalled, in public, perhaps near a display of something breakable and expensive.  Screaming must be ear shattering, followed by claims of physical abuse, unfair treatment and lack of love.  Enlist this tactic whenever you are told to do something you don't want to do or in the face of something you want to possess.  Aim high: if well done, there is no ceiling on what a tantrum can accomplish.


Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

THALIA - the Comedian Do something special this month with someone you love.  The 14th through the 23rd looks good for a vacation getaway, and the 17th would be the perfect night for a fancy dinner.  Make passionate love on the 24th, or go see a show on the 25th.  Do not make love on the 25th, unless you plan on being the show you're attending.  Be careful: if you do something special with the one you love on the 26th, you will have a huge fight, and the special something you do on the 27th will involve lawyers and the prenup.

©2012 Debra Victoroff

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.