ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her work "House and Garden" has been garnering rave reviews and can be purchased at Amazon.com.

Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.

 

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Horoscopes Debra Victoroff

Last Month's Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Autumn has arrived, and with it: falling leaves, wet sidewalks and 20% off sales on pencil cases.  Your mood will be dark, like the skies, and cool like the bus stop bench you have to sit on at 6am to get the local.  It's all you can do to stay awake on the bus ride to work, but keep one eye open – there's a cute guy who's got his eye on you.  Or possibly your adorable new boots.   

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This month is a favorite of yours; decorating the house for Halloween appeals to your "dark" side.  You happen to like cobwebs and cauldrons, black cats and crows.  In fact, your husband keeps complaining about the cauldron and why you can't just have a wok like everybody else.  This is a lesson in compromise for you.  If you're going to keep the cauldron, you have to use it to make chili for football Sundays.

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)Summer was great but you're glad to be back at work with the kind of structure you need to make yourself wake up early and wear socks and a bra.  Family members re-Friend you after months of blocking your posts. 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) The beginning of fall is truly the beginning of the New Year for you, as the actual New Year never seems to work out in terms of resolutions.  The change in weather and wardrobe makes you see things in a new light. You really believe you can stick to a workout and eating program that will have you back in shape or at least able to fit into stretch pants in time for Thanksgiving.

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) After a summer of not seeing your friends who were all away at the beach, October is the month to get together for drinks and dinners and catch up.  Who's getting divorced, who's pregnant, who found the love of their life on Match.com and who threw their computer against the wall when Match.com set her up with one too many assholes.  'Tis the season to gather around the iPad and make fun of the insane profiles posted on all the dating sites.  One of them is yours, but you vow to be a good sport about it. 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) The end of September marks the announcement of the newest Apple product, or rather the OLD Apple product that now has one more millimeter of screen, and one less millimeter of thickness.  Why the guys at work all go nuts for this you don't know since all their iPhones, iPads, Apple laptops and desk tops seem to work fine.  This month Vesta realizes it's not the products but the fact that all the guys at work bought stock in Apple in 1998.   That's ok - at least you still have your 50 shares of Facebook.

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Autumn brings out Persephone's favorite thing to buy in the world: boots!  They are all so cool and the never-ending variety makes it difficult to choose just one pair so Persephone ends up buying 6, one in each height, starting at the ankle and climbing all the way up to the thigh.  This causes you to be late for work every morning since it's just so much fun to put them on and change outfits 10,000 times.  Resist the temptation to buy 6 new leather coats to go with the boots or you will never get to work at all nor be able to pay your rent.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda must be careful from the 10th to the 21st as a jealous friend has it out for her.  It might be an old school mate or a current boyfriend, but Leda has awakened the green-eyed monster in someone close to her.  Try not to be so darn cute and smart and wonderful Leda, although this will be hard for you.  After the 21st, you can be cute again, but not smart.  On the 25th, just be wonderful, but not cute.  By the 29th, this jealous person will wonder what they ever saw in you and you can go back to being absolutely adorable in time for Halloween. 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Your patience is at its breaking point when your boyfriend's wandering eye actually climbs down out of his eye socket and asks out the cute female bartender at the local sports bar.  It's bad enough this eye is always looking over your shoulder checking out women on the street, and doing a double take when some 19 year old with long legs walks by, but this is too much.  You catch the thing in a glass and refuse to give it back to your boyfriend until he promises to punish it.  Things go badly when instead your boyfriend starts wearing an eye patch and other women's wandering eyes start chasing him.  Now you have an eyeball in a glass by your bed.  Next month, you'll feel bad for it and buy it a monocle.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) Your mother is a real pain in the butt this month, reminding you that you aren't getting any younger and that when she was your age, she was married with two kids.  You remind her that times were different then, and men had to get married to have sex, unlike now, when men can have sex by posting the name of their favorite Adele song on Twitter.  She tells you it's not about sex, it's about being a nice person.  You realize this conversation will end badly and wisely change the subject.

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche learns a hard lesson about the evils of gossip this month when she repeats something she heard about an acquaintance to another acquaintance and it turns out the thing you're telling the other acquaintance has to do with her boyfriend and a Karaoke bar that acquaintance number two didn't even know her boyfriend frequented let alone sang show tunes at every Tuesday when she thought he was working late.  The words "Should auld acquaintance be forgot…" really hits home this month.  It turns out they should – they really should.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Pay attention to small details the 15th through the 18th or else be caught with corn silk stuck in your teeth at a family meal with young children who do not edit their observations of the world around them.  Kids are wonderful and fun except when they are staring at you with a combination of horror and disgust.  The same can be said about almost everyone, but with 7 years olds, you know there's no ulterior motive.     
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

THALIA - the Comedian Make sure you buy a lotto ticket this month between the 5th and the 25th.  You're not going to win any money at lotto but you will find a quarter in between the mints at the checkout counter.  Save up all your quarters and someday you'll be able to buy the fall issue of Vogue. 

©2012 Debra Victoroff

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.