ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her work "House and Garden" has been garnering rave reviews and can be purchased at Amazon.com.

Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.

 

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Horoscopes Debra Victoroff

Last Month's Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)  Happy Halloween!  First let it be said that the scariest thing going on now is the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  Hard times for the people of the Northwest.  For all of you, the stars say that you will be getting help!  Please hang on.  Athena should know that good times are ahead; always darkest before the dawn.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Juno realizes that her Big Bird costume makes her look like a big yellow bird.  This presents problems as she was hoping to be both timely and sexy at a Halloween party at which she expects to see her ex-boyfriend.  She decides instead to go as Barack Obama. 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Aphrodite attends a Halloween party at work at which she sees sides of her coworkers she didn't ever want to see.  Craig from Marketing showed up as Lady Gaga.  Shelly in Human Resources is wearing a tool belt and a moustache.  And Aphrodite's boss, Dave, came as an arrogant jerk with a chip on his shoulder.  Oh wait a minute: he's not in a costume!

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) This Thanksgiving, Diana will not replace the sweet potatoes with little marshmallows with quinoa salad like she did last year.  No way.  She does not want to go through that again.  However, she is toying with the idea of substituting the peas with Brussels sprouts – what's that?  Oh, the heavens above are getting some new info: Diana's husband has informed her that he will be eating at O'Malley's Bar and Grill if she puts a single Brussels sprout on the table.   Keep the peace Diana!  By keeping the peas.

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Time to take the spiders and black cats off the porch and in honor of Thanksgiving, set out the giant turkey, along with a full complement of pilgrims and an entire Wampanoag Indian tribe.  This annoys the neighbors because they are stuffy and conservative, and also because the turkey keeps attacking their Golden Retriever.  Perhaps Demeter can dial it back a little this year and just have a cardboard turkey and maybe just one Pilgrim who is willing to odd jobs through November.

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta is happy that the election for U.S. President will soon arrive and she'll stop having to watch the barrage of ads that seem like bad reality programming, like "Presidential Candidates of Beverly Hills".  Whether Romney or Obama wins is becoming moot, and all she looks forward to is the end of the campaign and the return of Sarah Palin and her new show: "Hello, I'm An Idiot".

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Persephone spends the beginning of Thanksgiving calling relatives to see who plans on insulting who, which sibling plans on bringing up what a bad parent the other sibling is, and which Uncle plans on getting drunk and falling face first into the broccoli.  Once she gets the seating chart arranged so that no one is sitting next to anyone he or she is mad at, she realizes she'll need 8 tables and 4 dining rooms.  She books a flight to Miami.

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) November brings changing leaves and chilly nights.  Leda uses this opportunity to sit by the fire and snuggle under the blankets, close to the one she loves.  The crackling fire and a glass of red wine put her in the mood for affection, and she embraces her companion and offers tender kisses.  Her loved one, Clipper, her gray tabby, annoyed with all this fondling, struggles out of the embrace, walks two feet away, sits down and stares calmly at Leda.  This continues through the end of the month, because this is what cats do.

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Hurricane Sandy knocks the power out at Echo's house which is a trying event at any time, but especially inconvenient as she was planning her big birthday bash for a big birthday.  Not 30, not 40, not 50, in fact, Echo isn't entirely sure how old she is since she stopped counting in 1987.  She hopes she's not 80 but on the other hand, if she is, she looks pretty darn good.  For 80.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) From the 14th to the 19th, Pandora will be especially susceptible to the flu virus.  From the 20th through the 23rd, she will be susceptible to the charms of strangers.  And from the 24th through the 27th, Pandora will be susceptible to false advertising.  On the 30th, Pandora realizes she's pretty freakin' gullible.

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche loves this month after Halloween when she can roast the pumpkin seeds from her pumpkin and carve out the pulp to make fresh pumpkin pie.  She uses the stem as a shoehorn and the pumpkin skin for skin moisturizer.   She melts the old candle into a mold and makes votives and crushes the burnt wick to use as eye shadow.   Psyche most likely lives in Brooklyn.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) A knock on Phoebe's door brings a new man along with light and life into her home this month.  She's never been so glad to see a guy from Con Ed, since she hasn't had power since Sandy the Hurricane struck at the end of October.   Extra bonus: he's extremely cute.


Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

THALIA - the Comedian Thalia decides to invite everyone who doesn't have a place to go, to her house for Thanksgiving because she's simply grateful to have a home to invite them to.  This month everyone is truly grateful for what they have, and more than willing to share it with friends, family, and people in need.  There has to be a silver lining to an impossible disaster and Thalia finds it this November, by giving to others.  The end of the month brings great joy.

©2012 Debra Victoroff

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.