ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her work "House and Garden" has been garnering rave reviews and can be purchased at Amazon.com.

Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.

 

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Horoscopes Debra Victoroff

Last Month's Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)  The upcoming holiday season will jeopardize Athena's diet program if
she doesn't stick to the plan.  There will be many temptations in the form of cookies, sweet drinks, hors d'oeuvres and young waiters in short jackets.   On the other hand, nothing like a cute waiter to prevent one from taking that fourth spinach tart.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) From the 8th to the 24th, Juno will be buying gifts for friends and family, but Juno doesn't need her horoscope to tell her that. What she doesn't know is that this is going to be another one of those years when everyone agreed they would spend only $20 per gift, and Juno did the same, only to find that no one else stood by the bargain, so that Christmas morning Juno feels like a big cheapskate. Juno wonders if this is some kind of conspiracy.

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) The office Christmas party will be either the 15th or the 22nd. If it falls on the 15th, Aphrodite will end up making out in the supply closet with a handsome stranger. If the party falls on the 22nd, Aphrodite will end up making out in the supply closet with "Weird Walter", the IT guy. Let's hope it falls on the 15th.

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana has only 20 days before her annual Holiday cocktail party to fit into that amazing form-fitting emerald green dress she found at Anthropologie. She only needs to lose 5 pounds but those 5 pounds are the difference between looking like a sexy housewife, and looking like a pork sausage wearing a green dress.

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Demeter receives a Christmas card from an old love that sounds a little like he's unhappy in his marriage and might possibly want to hook up with Demeter when he's in town in January. Demeter shows the card to all her friends in an attempt to parse the language precisely. Does the phrase "still have warm feelings" mean he wants to rekindle the romance, or still suffers from the chronic acid reflux he was always whining about? Cover your bases Demeter and bring some Rolaids to the liaison.

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) This month Vesta heads over to Macy's to check out the accessories. A saleslady asks if Vesta would like to sample some perfume and before Vesta can answer, sprays her with "Perhaps" by Mackie. Vesta responds by saying "Perhaps I would rather gut fish than wear this scent." The lady then douses her with "Solar Donkey" which is actually an improvement. The final straw arrives with a misting of "Cumming" by Alan Cumming. Vesta dials 911.

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) On the 7th, Persephone reads that poor Lindsay Lohan has been arrested, yet again. Persephone takes this as a message to take oneself seriously. On the 9 th, Lohan is arrested again. Persephone recognizes that everyone makes mistakes. On the 14th, 17th, 20th and 21st, Lohan is also arrested. Persephone is now straining to find the lesson here, but thinks perhaps it's that young people should finish school. When Lindsay gets arrested on the 23rd along with her mother, father, sister and dog Pepe, Persephone burns her copy of "Mean Girls".

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda has been working hard and deserves a break before the holiday season is in full swing. Perhaps a massage at a local spa. It's good to take care of oneself before taking care of others. In fact, if Leda really wants to take care of herself, she should pack a bag, check into a hotel out of town, and not tell anyone where she is. Turn off the phone, order room service, rent the first season of "Homeland" and miss the whole ridiculous insanity. 'Tis the season to be jolly after all.

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Use your powers of persuasion this month Echo, to get what you want in your Christmas stocking! As a woman your powers are complicated and powerful, mysterious and intense. You can use your intelligence, or your deep empathy, or your female intuition. Or you can just go with the failsafe: a low cut blouse and a tight skirt.

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) December is the month to follow your dreams. It makes perfect sense when following your dreams to drop broad hints to loved ones about what it is you're dreaming about. These hints can take the form of a whisper, a note, or a large sign written in sharpie on a 4 foot by 3 foot piece of white cardboard and propped up on the bed. And once your dream comes true, make sure you act surprised and grateful, even if it's the wrong size.

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche is already exhausted thinking about all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, packing, visiting, eating and drinking she's going to be faced with as yet another holiday season approaches. There's no beating the juggernaut of Christmas, and so you might as well join it. Spend money wildly! Gain weight! Return gifts! Fight with your in-laws! And that's just the 14th.

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Phoebe likes Christmas carols; it's Christmas carolers she can't stand. This includes the quartets that cluster in malls dressed in 18th century costumes, the community choirs that go door-to-door, and the celebrity specials wherein B-list singers gather their despicable families around them to mangle "Silent Night". If only there was a "real life" mute button.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

THALIA - the Comedian Thalia plans on giving to those in need this holiday season, in whatever way she can. She might serve hot meals at a soup kitchen, or stuff a few dollars in the Salvation Army bucket, or donate toys to Goodwill. She might also sleep with that cute guy downstairs who just broke up with his girlfriend. Thalia truly believes we must share what we have with those who are without.

©2012 Debra Victoroff

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.