EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Interior Decorating To Keep Your Man From Leaving You


By Amani Redd


    Project a stock ticker onto the walls of your bedroom.  Your man will never again leave the bed to turn on CNBC.

    Put the dining chairs on pedestals and blast the fan on high all throughout dinner.  Serve him hot dogs wrapped in paper and beer plastic cups.  He'll feel like he's up in the stands of the ballpark.

    Use Playboy centerfolds for wallpaper.  A good 300 to 500 magazines should be enough to cover the living room and den.

    He loves his raggedy old T-shirts but you hate them.  Won't don't you compromise by sewing them into a nice throw blanket?  Strategically place the throw over any couch stains.

    Replace every framed photo in the house with a television.  

    What man doesn't love NASCAR?  Build a mini racetrack in your backyard.  If there's not enough room, start parking your car near the back door.  Gun the engine a few times a day to get that distinct exhaust smell going throughout the house.

    Install a row of beer taps and several flat-screen TVs in your kitchen to give him the illusion he's at Hooter's.  Repaint the area in hues like "wing sauce" and "cool ranch."


    Amani Redd a freelance comedy writer in Los Angeles who has written for Real Time with Bill Maher. She wishes every political campaign were as entertaining as a Kate Hudson rom-com.

    © 2012 Amani Redd