EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Not a Celebrity…Yet?

By Melissa Larson

Here’s how to make the world think that you are an A-list star, even if you have no perceptible talents, ambition, or work ethic.  Just follow these simple rules, and in no time at all, Kim Kardashian will be begging to be your BFF.

1.       Put yourself into extreme debt so that people will think you’re rich.  People won’t notice that you live in a dilapidated apartment if you just park a Mercedes in front of it.  Nobody needs to know that your Chanel bag really belongs to Visa.

2.       Update your Twitter every two minutes.  You just watched a car insurance commercial on television, and the world needs to know.

3.       Glue-gun your iPhone to your hand and look at it every two seconds, especially when socializing.  Your agent might be trying to call you regarding an important audition, after all.  (Yes, pretend you have an agent.)

4.       Remember that you are too cool to do any minion’s work.  This includes chores around the house or entry level jobs.  Rule of thumb:  if it takes effort, then it is probably beneath you.

5.       Brush everything over with “I’m staying in the positive.”  Doesn’t matter if you lose an arm, get in a fight with a friend, or get fired from your job because using the Xerox machine was beneath you. 

6.       What the hell are you doing with a job that necessitates a Xerox machine, anyway?  Gross.

7.       Say the word “blessed” as often as possible.  “Organic” is good, too.

8.       Begin and end most of your sentences with “right now” so that people will think you are filming a reality show.  As in, “Don’t even joke right now!”  

9.       Get a spray tan.  Get 20.  Better yet, bake in the tanning beds.  If it’s for sale, then that must mean it’s perfectly healthy, right?

10.   Obviously, donning each and every clothing trend is compulsory.  This includes open-toed boots and blue nail polish.  No matter how stupid you secretly know you look, if it’s bandwagon, then it’s on your body. 

11.   Buy the same outfits as your friends and challenge them to a round of “who wore it better.”   Remember, trends only.  Do aim for your chubbier friends.

12.   I don’t care what kind of picture you are posing for.  You’d better stick your front leg out, drop the opposite hip, and cross those legs at the ankle.

13.   If you’re getting married, erect a white tent over the site to “keep the helicopters away.”  If you’re pregnant, start researching celeb-appropriate names (i.e. “Maxwell,” “Audio Science,” or “Sparrow.”)  A good start is to simply look around you and write down whatever you see.  Your list might include names such as “Air,” or “Third Notice” or “Burt’s Bees” or “Avocado.” 

14.   Obviously, you’d better weigh ninety pounds soaking wet.  But that’s a given.  Do tell people that you eat, though.  You don’t want to be held responsible for others’ eating disorders by telling them about your real diet of coconut water and sun. 

15.   Tell everyone your favorite lyrics to Kelly Clarkson songs.  Like, how it’s so great that she invented the idea of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

16.   Pffffft.  Who the eff is Nietzche?

17.   Change the spelling of your name.  Tracy becomes Tracee; Paige becomes Payj.  If you can turn one of the letters into a dollar sign or a cross or an exclamation point, even better.

18.   Show up at least 45 minutes late for everything.  Don’t these people realize that it takes time to look that good?

19.   Take at least twenty pictures of yourself per day, and post them all over your social media accounts.  Don’t forget to make the duck face!  Oh, and see #12 again, please.

20.   Stop wasting your time reading lists such as this one.  Your agent is supposed to do that for you.

Melissa Larson is not a celebrity, and is somehow OK with that.


© 2012 Melissa Larson