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Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I think I've forgotten this before.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A lot of people are afraid of heights...not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

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