PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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On-Line Dating Tips

By Julie Hansen

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5. Meeting Your Date

If you insist on forging ahead, set your date in a well lit, heavily populated place, like Yankee Stadium, or a rock concert. If these are not options, any Starbucks will do (but keep in mind that employees will not respond to your screams if you order a really complicated espresso drink). Upon arriving at your designated spot (five minutes late, please!), paste a cheery smile on your face and leave it there - NO MATTER HOW HIDEOUS THE NEXT HOUR IS! Look for the saddest, loneliest fellow in the joint. He's your man! He may even bare a faint resemblance to his photo, but don't count on it.

Introduce yourself (first names only) and dive in! Avoid remarks like "I thought you had more hair" or "How can you play tennis with a walker?" Focus on what you have in common, like "I see you drink water, too" or "Ever had one of those sores in your mouth that you can't quit touching with your tongue?"

After fifty minutes of hearing how the ex-wife is poisoning the kids against him and his boss doesn't appreciate him, offer your hand and tell him you'll be in touch after you "digest" your meeting. Calmly walk toward the exit and no matter what pitiful sounds come from his direction -- DON'T LOOK BACK! Once you've escaped, run a zig-zag pattern in the opposite direction from where you live until you are certain only Indian trackers could have followed you. Proceed home to your apartment and.

6. Cancel Your Membership

Really, did you ever imagine there were this many sad sacks in the world, convinced that the only way out of the depths of their despair is to grab onto you with their one good hand and beg you to please, please not leave them?!! Certainly not! I don't know about you, but I can meet these people at Starbucks.

©2001 Julie Hansen All Rights Reserved


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie Hansen is a freelance writer and actor living (if you can call it that) in New York City. She has recently been a willing participant in an on-line matchmaking service as part of her probation program.