Never write about what you know, that would be boring. Instead think of an interesting skinny person that you know and try to imagine their life.

Use the word therefore a lot. It gives the impression that you have thought things through and therefore gives you an air of authority. (See what we mean?)

If you have trouble coming up with an ending or tying up loose ends pretend it was all a dream.

Stories about pets are interesting and dramatic.

Your hero (or heroine) should have an interesting quirk or a dark mysterious past. They should also have blazing eyes when they are angry.

Don't worry about spelling or grammar, that is what an editor is paid to do. You are an artist.

Once you have written your masterpiece, it's time to sell it. Here is some fab advice.