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Join the Fatkins Revolution!

By Elizabeth Hanes

Are you sick of knowing no one who sees you in a backless dress will ever be able to count your vertebrae? Disgusted that no one ever says to you, "You're so thin! Are you ill?" Morose because you know whenever you wave goodbye to loved ones, your upper arms are going to flap like bedsheets on a clothesline?

You're not alone. Research indicates that 99% of women have given up on calorie counting. But it doesn't have to be this way. Just because you've given up on weight LOSS doesn't mean you have to give up on weight GAIN.

The Fatkins Diet eliminates the unwanted side effects of dieting: cravings, hunger, and weight loss. Designed for the woman who's made a conscious decision to let herself go, this carefully structured eating plan will help you feel full from sunrise to sunset, while at the same time reducing your energy level to near zero. No longer will you feel the urge to exert yourself through tasks like vacuuming or bathing. Instead, you can lie around all day, watching re-runs of "Angela: The Baby Who Shouldn't Have Been Born But Was and How She Overcame All Odds to Become Queen of the Pygmies" on the Lifetime Network for Women.

Phase One: Induction

The name "induction" signifies that the purpose of this phase is to induce your body to shift from being shaped like an unlit taper to a fully melted pillar candle. During induction, you'll change your body's chemistry to achieve "cellulitis" and "osmosis." "Cellulitis" prepares your cells to accept more fat than they ever thought they could hold. "Osmosis" is the process by which the body adds fat via the ocular nerve.

Induction is designed to do all of the following for you:

Efficiently switch your body from an efficient carbohydrate-burning metabolism to a fat-storing machine.

De-stabilize your blood sugar levels in order to bring you a variety of useful and fun symptoms, such as mood swings (useful for keeping children away from your bag of Chee-Tohs) and lightheadedness (a fun way to experience the intoxicating effects of liquor without the expense of actually buying any).

Curb your cravings by giving in to them.

Encourage your body to develop addictions to sugar, fats, caffeine and calories.

During induction, you'll get all of your nutrition from high-calorie junk foods, such as potato chips, deep fried Snickers bars, non-diet colas, cheese-covered cheese tortellini in cheese sauce, and Lucky Charms. You'll soon learn what a misnomer "empty calories" is.

Unfortunately, the induction phase is not how you will eat for the rest of your life. This part of the diet only lasts two weeks. Enjoy it while you can.

Phase Two: Putting On Weight

Congratulations on making it through the induction phase! Not everyone accomplishes this difficult step. At least, not everyone accomplishes it without developing a fatal embolism.

As you move from phase one to phase two, you will tailor the Fatkins Nutritional Approach to your unique tastes. The POW phase is similar to induction in that you'll continue to get most of your nutrition from fats, but you'll also begin incorporating more variety into your menu. You'll add more portions of cookies and candy bars, and most people will also be able to gradually add non-fried meats, non-Wonder bread, and even the occasional vegetable.

Remember, however, that when you move away from the rigid structure of induction into the POW phase, you're re-entering the world of "real" food, where you must make sensible choices to avoid slipping back into an eating pattern that leads to weight loss. You must fight the temptation to indulge in things like apples and broccoli. Yogurt should be avoided at all cost.

Phase Three: Lifetime Maintenance

Hedonism. When it comes to eating, that word sums up the Fatkins approach. You have a right to be as fat as you want to be. And so, this phase is all about feeling satisfied.

At some point, a well-meaning - if fanatical - friend is going to tell you the key to dieting is counting calories, counting carbs, or counting fat grams. That's way too much math! Let's set the record straight so you can deal with these diet infidels and convert them to the Fatkins way.

The most noticeable difference between the Fatkins Nutritional Approach and other eating plans is simple: hunger. The "counting" plans always add up to one thing - acute starvation. On the Fatkins Diet, you eat whatever you want, whenever you want it. This eliminates the number one reason most diets fail: hunger.

Another problem with the "counting" diets? They cause you to lose weight! When a person loses weight, they begin to suffer serious side effects, like energy. The Fatkins plan, on the other hand, induces indolence. Not only can this lead to some pretty rewarding results, such as the kids' being forced to wash their own dishes, but if you're among the very fortunate, you might even make it into the Guinness Book as the "world's fattest woman."

The Diet for the Rest of Us

You know you don't care about being thin anymore. Heck, these days you barely care whether that was mouthwash you gargled with, or yesterday's coffee. You hate your job, you're exhausted, and at this point you'd exchange your firstborn child for a bag of Lay's potato chips and a Barcalounger.

It's time. Join the Fatkins Revolution.

.............................................................................................

Associate Editor Elizabeth Hanes holds a degree in creative writing from the University of New Mexico. Her nonfiction articles and stories have been featured in "Collector's News," the Colorado Springs "Gazette," and the Pikes Peak or Bust rodeo program. She also is the wicked, wicked mind behind "Savannah Lawless." Munching Valium by day and sipping champagne by night are what keep Elizabeth a "happy woman."