MAN-EATER'S DIET
By Elizabeth
Hanes
As anyone who's ever watched "Sex
and the City" knows, serial dating and sexual encounters
are the ticket tostaying dangerously thin. Now the scientific
principle behind this truth can be revealed: men contain no
nutritional value, especially when all you do is chew them
up and spit them out!
Forget about exercising and calorie-counting.
On the Man-Eater's Diet, all you have to do is date. And have
sex. Constantly.
Try this sample menu and you'll
be hooked!
Breakfast:
1 cup cold black coffee
1 coffee-colored fitness trainer
Wake up next to trainer. Remember
how he screamed with lust at your foreplay technique and how
he later murmured he "might be falling in love."
Creep out of bed. Drink the remains of last night's coffee
directly from the pot. Quietly let yourself out of his apartment.
Feel smug about having given him a fake name and telephone
number.
Lunch:
½ garden salad
2 Tablespoons fat free Italian
dressing on the side
1 breath mint
1 impeccably tailored investment
banker
Drizzle dressing over salad. Flirt
intensely with the investment banker. Eat the breath mint.
Walk him to his Mercedes. Have quick, mind-blowing sex in
the passenger side bucket seat. When he begs to see you again,
take his card and promise you'll call later. Don't.
Dinner:
4 large martinis
assortment of sushi
1 married, mid-level Today show
producer
Sneak off to a respectable hotel.
Begin ravaging the mini-bar before he arrives. Tear off his
clothes the moment he walks in. Order in sushi on his credit
card. Have passionate sex for the next two hours. Fake seven
or eight orgasms. When he implores you for another rendezvous,
smile and give him a false cell phone number. Slip away into
the night.
Snack
1 medium-sized attorney with a
high-end firm
Haunt a fern bar in the mid-afternoon.
Approach your target directly and ask if he would be willing
to see you immediately about an "urgent matter."
As he follows you down the dark hallway toward the restrooms,
whirl and fondle his crotch. French kiss breathlessly for
several minutes, until he gropes you with unquenchable desire.
Stop abruptly and say, "Things are moving too fast."
When he beseeches you to finish the consultation, ask for
his card and promise to call. Don't.
Tips:
- It's perfectly all right to date
the same men for up to a week at a time. After a week, they
begin to lose their freshness and you should discard them
immediately.
- Like vegetables, men come in
a wide range of varieties. You may have to try several types
before finding the most palate-pleasing one for you. Use your
past experiences as a guide. For instance, if you don't like
okra, chances are you won't care for southern men, either.
- Warning: this diet may become
addictive. Should you experience any signs of overdose (happiness,
satisfaction, an aversion to spike heels or miniskirts, a
desire to "settle down"), you should seek professional
treatment immediately. The usual remedy is to pick up two
traveling businessmen from a local bar and call neither in
the morning.
©2004 Elizabeth Hanes
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