"Children need us today as they've never needed us before" said a svelte and passionate Marni St. James author of You Won't Take My Child Alive when she dropped by HW Towers last Wednesday.
A vision in baby pink, the perky St. James offered advice and sugar-free cupcakes over coffee as she warned the mostly slim and fashionable HW staff of the perils facing children these days. "Not many people know this, but the world is much more dangerous for children than it was in Victorian or even Prehistoric times. Back then, people only had to worry about survival but now we have to worry about peanut allergies, pedophiles and self esteem."
St. James became an expert in childrearing after watching her friends raise their children. A mother since the birth of her son two years ago, St. James' book attempts to deal with every possible parlous position that our children, the future, might face in the course of their first 40 years.
She gracefully offered some tips to our HW readers to ensure your young ones will have a healthy, if not happy, Halloween!
Costumes
- It is absolutely
necessary to keep your children warm. Start with sections of newspaper
taped to the chest, over this put a pair of longjohns and a woolen vest.
Add a cardigan and an extra pair of pants. Finish off with a winter
coat, at least two pairs of socks and mitts. To make sure your child is visible
at all times, reflective tape striped over the costume is effective, as
is a miner's helmet and flares.
- Test the flame
retardancy of his or her costume by setting fire to an inconspicuous spot.
If the costume bursts into flame then you might want to pick up another.
Note: It is probably best to do these tests when your child is not
wearing the costume. As an added precaution a few middle of the night" Stop-Drop-Roll"
emergency drills certainly wouldn't hurt.
-
Some masks impair vision. To make sure your child has a good
sightline, put the costume on the child, spin, him or her
10 times ( the estimated amount of turns your child will make
in one evening) and then ask them to retrieve an object at
the end of your driveway. If your child slams into your garage
door or worse takes a header halfway up the driveway
there is a good chance the mask will shift during the festivities.
Either replace the mask or use spirit gum and glue it to the
child's head. Gauge the strength of the glue by deciding whether
or not you want Spiderman in your Christmas photos.
-
Consider modern day villains that don't require masks . A simple blue shirt can turn your child into a scary Parking Authority Officer and last year's hobo costume can be repurposed with a Lehman Bros. nametag.
Trick or Treating
- A
minimum of two parents is necessary. There are probably millions
of cases where a parents sneezed or paused to wipe a bead
of sweat and their child was never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seen
again. If both parents are not available that evening consider
hiring off-duty police officers.
- A
global positioning satellite (GPS ) is a must-have for the
conscientious parent. The device will display the child's
location, speed, heading, lat/lon and time at remote location.
One word of warning: signals cannot go through metal so make
sure your child is not going as a robot.
- A
cell phone is also a must have. Program 911 into the telephone.
Do a few tests with a stopwatch and keep an eye on the response
time.
- Children
must avoid dimly lit houses at all costs and be on the alert
for inappropriate behaviour and suspicious strangers. For
example have your children steer clear of cackling bearded
wild-eyed men with bad teeth who ask children if they want
to make a quick sawbuck.
- At
each new house check around the property for flower pots,
low tree limbs, support wires, uneven mounds of grass, loose
pebbles, stray leaves or garden hoses that may prove hazardous.
- Tiny
tootsies will tire quite rapidly so you may wish to soften
the tread by purchasing a 10-12 foot runner carpet from your
local hardware store. Simply roll the carpet out as your child
makes his/her progress. Be sure to sweep the street first
as dirt and germs could easily adhere to the fibres.
- Children should
also be reassured at frequent intervals. After every house hug your child
fiercely and whisper that you will always love them no matter what!
- Candy
- At
your own home you can break the chain of tooth decay by offering
healthy snacks. Tofu, granola, steamed veggies
or how about making the evening truly special by writing a
song? The gift of music is always appreciated.
- If inconsiderate
parents insist on giving out sweets coach your child to say "Thank
you but I'd prefer some cheese or cash." If the homeowner does not have any healthy
goodies, jot down their address (usually found on the front of the house) in a leatherbound book. That way if your child gets a cavity you have someone to
sue and it also deters evil neighbours from putting razor blades or
cyanide in the goodies.
- Halloween
Parties
- Bobbing
for apples, a very popular Halloween party game is to be avoided.
Not only for the obvious drowning hazard but for the competitive
spirit it encourages. Better to hand each child an apple and
praise them for being special and different. If you are planning
a party it is best to eliminate most traditional games because they
send terrible messages to the child.. Pin the Tail on
the Donkey, Blind Man's Bluff, Tag, are a few examples, but other less
brutish games still pose risk. The game of Statues restricts freedom
of expression, Kick the Can may change their mind about recycling
and Simon Says...well, the list goes on a and on.
- Work with your children to come up with alternatives. The "I Like You Because..." game will provide hours of raucous fun as will "I Have an Apple Would You Like One Too?"
With these tips in mind we hope you have a healthy Halloween!
