Jenna's Diary Archives (2)
January 7 Infatuated, Jenna decides that her friends don't sound as stupid as they used to.
Excerpt:
The great thing is I've got a date for Irene's wedding! I think there is no bigger reject than a date-less bridesmaid. If I hadn't met Jim they were going to set me up with Jenny's brother but I'm glad they didn't because when he gets drunk he exposes himself.
January 12 Jenna, in the first flush of love, looks forward to showing her new boyfriend off to her new family and gets her first fitting for her bridesmaid's dress.
Excerpt:
We went to see the dresses and I was pretty surprised to find out they were actually nice! Jenny tried one on and she looked kind of bloated and pregnant and then I tried on on and I looked bloated and pregnant too! I think a lot of it had to do with the store lighting and their dopy mirrors. I'm sure once they let it out a bit it will look just fine.
January 19 Jenna discovers she has gained 22 pounds and hatches a scheme to sell a weight loss program on the Internet.
Excerpt:
I swear people treat you different when you are obese.
I was talking on Paige's cellular today and she very rudely asked me if I would mind not using her phone.
If I was a normal weight she probably wouldn't have said anything but there is a definite fat bias in this country.
January 27 At Irene's bridal shower, Jenna attracts the eye of a sexy stripper called the Mighty Thor. Thrilled she dumps Jim.
Excerpt:
I was so depressed last night that I slept with Jim.
I did it partly because I figured that we had waited long enough but mostly I just wanted to be wanted.
He's here all the time now and there was nothing on TV so I figured that at least it would give me something to do.
It made me even more depressed. It's not that he's a bad lover or anything but for some strange reason his face kept transforming into Moe the Bartender from the Simpsons and that was really a turn off.
February
February 3 Jenna feels everything is coming together. She is sure she is losing weight at a rapid pace and she is excitedly preparing for her date with the Mighty Thor.
Excerpt:
Jim has called me every single day since I threw him out. He said he didn't understand why I would change so suddenly. I finally made out a list of what is wrong with him and read it to him over the phone.
He freaked out on me saying that I wasn't perfect and it wasn't fair for me to...blah, blah blah I was painting my toenails so I didn't hear all of it because the phone kept slipping.
After I finished my pinkie toe I came right out with it. I told him that I was seeing someone else and he hung up on me.
Big whoop.
February 8 Jenna tries to recover from her date with the stripper as Irene's wedding date nears.
Excerpt:
Mocha has never been a good colour for me to begin with and crepe makes my skin look waffly.The back is cut out of the dress which made it easier to do up but there was too much room for the fat to accumulate. I look like a giant pin cushion.
February 16 Jenna resolves to change her life. She tries a new serene approach and evaluates her current situation.
Excerpt:
I'm going to redecorate. I'm a grown up now and I think it's time to have matching furniture. I'm too old to be living with odds and ends and mismatched pieces. I will reflect my new maturity by buying a new couch, maybe a loveseat but I'd prefer a chaise--I guess it depends on how much money I can borrow from my mother.
February 23 Jenna has gained more weight and starts feeling very ill. She jumps to a startling conclusion.
Excerpt:
I'm so depressed about gaining weight I can't stop eating.
Watching my dream crumble is no joke. There is no way my diet is going to make me millions because no one ever got on Oprah by making people fatter.
March
 March 2 Jenna struggles to deal with the idea of being pregnant.
Excerpt:
I have been imagining what my life will be like once the baby comes. Brian (I think that's a good name) taking his first steps with me (very thin) taking videos of him.
Brian rushing home from school with a clay imprint of his hand that says I Love Mommy. How I'll be sitting there with a bunch of my friends and I'll smile at him, and all my friends will go, "Jenna's a great mother."
March 9 Jenna takes stock of her talents and decides that she is going to become a writer.
Excerpt:
Talents:
- Good with people.
- Good-lucking.
- Funny.
- Getting Thinner.
- Very imaginative.
- Unselfish.
- Highly intelligent.
- Understanding.
- Creative.
- Great sense of humor.
- Love animals.
Skills:
Um.
March 16 Jenna writes the first few pages of her novel.
Excerpt:
"Oh, man this is perfect. I bought a bunch of writer clothes and they suit me to a "T".
I have a black top, I was going to get a turtleneck but it pushes the fat on my neck up too high. so I settled on a scoop neck. I put on a lot of Indian jewelry and wore a loose shirt over it.
I really look like a writer.
March 22 Jenna is invited to a birthday party for her father. She finally sees Megan and Michael together and it provides fuel for her book.
Excerpt:
I was going to say I broke up with him but they'd probably think that he broke up with me. I thought of telling them that he died, which would make me seem very tragic, which is good, but they might ask for details and I'm not good at diseases.
March 30 Jenna invites Irene and Jenny over to her place so she read the first chapter of her novel to them.
Excerpt:
I waited patiently while they droned on and on. About 10:00 I thought it was my turn and said very, very casually "I'm writing a book you know."
I think I said it too casually because the didn't react so I had to say it less casually four more times.
April
April 7 Jenna experiences writer's block and decides to join a writing group with Irene.
Excerpt:
As much as Irene deserves to be cut down a peg I hope they go easy on her tonight. It would be awful if they told her outright her stuff stinks but if they kind of rolled their eyes that would be OK.
April 12 Jenna changes her mind. She decides she would rather be a literary giant than a best selling author. She also redecorates her bathroom
Excerpt:
Last week at the writing group everyone seemed to be going towards literary fiction and I'm thinking it might be the way for me to go. I've always been different so this would be a great way for me to express my individuality, my unique view of the world.
.
April 17 Jenna has an embarrassing experience in the writing group.
Excerpt:
They all read out the usual crapola. Nancy (or Nance as she wants to be called but I refuse to be bossed around by her) wrote about getting lost at the circus when she was a child. It was completely confusing. I wanted to ask if she ever found her way out, but I realized just in time that she probably did, otherwise she wouldn't be there.
April 21 Jenna finds herself falling in love with a guy from her group and he encourages her to write a one-woman show.
Excerpt:
To be honest I've always thought I'd make a great actress. It comes naturally to me. When something great happens to my friends I act happy for them and when something bad happens I act sad.
May
May 8 Jenna quickly adopts Simon's viewpoint as her own and attends one of his clown performances.
Excerpt:
My mom is really pissed off at me. She says I had no business accusing them of holding petty bourgeois ideals and that I shouldn't start throwing around words I don't know the meaning of.
She is so proletariat.
 May 14 Jenna and Simon are getting very involved and are invited to her mother's for dinner.
Excerpt:
I sometimes wish that we could just "do it" without having to worry about Tantric sex. At the very least I wish we could memorize some of the positions. It is so distracting to have to turn pages. The new paint job makes it really hard to read by candlelight so we had to almost crab walk to get a half decent reading light.
May 19 Jenna tries to impress her friends with her newfound "hipness" and Irene plants a seed of doubt about Simon.
Excerpt:
It's the first time in ages that Jenny's been cut loose from her baby so she called home every four seconds to make sure it didn't choke on it's own vomit or strangle itself on an electrical cord. Irene was really excited because she and Paul are going to Belize.
I nodded and smiled and wished they'd shut up so we could talk about me. God they're so self absorbed!
May 27 Jenna suspects that Simon is involved with someone from the writing group.
Excerpt:
Simon says jealousy reveals a persons lack of esteem and I agree. That's why I'm not jealous, I'm just worried about him that's all.
I'm a very secure person.
June
June 3 Jenna's mom is involved with her wedding plans while Jenna swallows her pride and attends the writing group.
Excerpt:
I couldn't even look at food today at work. My mother offered to pick me up a bagel at lunchtime but I just waved her away very wanly. A normal unselfish mother would be frightened that I would waste away to nothing but not mine, she just said it wouldn't hurt for me to skip a few meals.
I stapled together the pages of her Wedding Planner when she was gone.
June 9 Jenna and Simon are back together again. Jenna is ecstatic until a phone call destroys her happiness.
Excerpt:
He said "See you." If you never wanted to see someone again you wouldn't say "see you." You'd say something like we really have to talk, or, it's not me it's you or if you don't leave me alone I'll take out a restraining order.
June 16 Jenna is livid and decides that she hates Simon. She calls him and orders him to pick up his stuff.
Excerpt:
I'll wave off his apologies and say "you had your chance pal, nobody treats Jenna like that." Maybe I won't use pal. Maybe I'll use chum. If I smoked it would be really good to light a cigarette while I was saying it and blow out some smoke after I'm finished.
June 23 As a last desperate measure, Jenna pens a poem to Simon. She is sure that this work of art will win him back.
Excerpt:
My love is gone, gone gone
He ordered won ton ton
Chop, chop, chop it's done.
White linen, beige food the mark of indecision spills onto the menu
I stand marooned in column A while there he is in column "B"
All you can eat, yet I go hungry as I scream cheese and he sucks noodles...
June 28 Jenna waits for Simon's reaction to the poem.
July
July 3rd Jenna receives a pleasant invitation and gets riled up by Irene.
July 12th Jenna receives her first rejection letters.
July 18th Jenna receives more mail and makes plans to go to the cottage.
July 24th Jenna receives yet another letter about her book and spends the weekend at the cottage with Simon.
August
Aug 1st Jenna tries to absorb what happened at the cottage.
Aug 13 Jenna tries to deal with her breakup with Simon and decides to let Pandora's Box Press publish her novel.
Aug 25th Sheila becomes Jenna's best friend and together they work on revenge strategies.
September
Sept 7 Jenna tries to patch things up with Sheila and begins to think about her new autobiography.
Sept 14 Jenna labour over her autobiography and realizes it's not as easy as it first seemed.
Sept 21 Jenna is bored out of her mind and accepts an invitation to a party.
Sept 28 Jenna feels restless and tries to decide whether or not she will date Ivan.
October
Oct 5 Jenna's best friend breaks up with her spouse and Jenna offers advice and comfort.
Oct 12 Jenna has a wild night out on the town with Jenny and thinks she may have found Mr. Right.
Oct 19 Jenna receives a phone call from her father and tries to convince Jenny to return to Club Hades so she can hunt down Mr. Right.
Oct 25 Jenna meets her paternal grandmother for the first time and sick of being alone decides to write a personal ad .
November
Nov 2 Jenna goes out on a double date with Jenny and waits for replies to her personal ad.
Nov 9 Jenna receives a response to her personal ad and agrees to meet with him.
Nov 16 After last week's disastrous date Jenna is feeling a little down. She receives another letter and agrees to go out on another double date with Jenny
Nov 22 Jenna is quickly falling for Jeff, but struggles to find a way to tell him she isn't really a doctor.
Nov 30 Everything is rosy in Jennaland as her relationship with Jeff blossoms.
December
Dec 7 Jenna is blissfully in love with Jeff and meets her old flame Simon for coffee.
Dec 14 Jenna is suffering from new relationship stress as she tries to sort out the arrangements for Christmas Day.
Dec 21st A Very Jenna Christmas. Jenna looks forward to spending Christmas Day with her new love Jeff in this special double issue. (Note Jenna will return Jan. 11th)
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