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August
13
I
can't get the creases from the bathmat of my face andI look
like I've been spackled. I feel dreadful. My nerves are so
sensitive I swear I can feel my toenails growing and it took
me ages to unwind myself from the toilet. I seem to have slept
with my head wedged under the pipe at the back of the tank.
Ohhhh
God.
I
didn't have that much to drink - maybe the Lean Cuisine
was off, but although I remember microwaving it I don't remember
actually eating it.
Maybe
it's the flu.
The
phone has not stopped ringing since 8:00 this morning. I missed
the first call because I was stuck under the toilet but I
was able to crawl to the phone to turn on the answering machine
by 9:00 so I don't think I missed too many calls. My roommate
ad appeared and thanks to my writing skills people were frothing.
Sometimes I am just too talented for my own good.
The
only thing I can handle today is French fries and grilled
cheese sandwiches. I just have the feeling the grease will
help glue my bones back together.
This
is the worst flu I've ever had.
August
14
It
must have been some kind of 24 hour bug because I feel a lot
better this morning. I got up early and started to clean.
I figure I'll take calls in the morning and appointments in
the afternoon. I will have to be careful with scheduling though
because I don't want a big line up outside my door.
I
figure about 3 minutes per person should do it.
1:00
p.m.
What
is it with people? Out of 40 calls not one person wanted to
come see the apartment!
I'm
thinking maybe they were all cranks. There was a full moon
last night so maybe it made everyone act peculiar.
8:00
p.m.
Yeesh.
I got a Visa bill addressed to Jeff. Even though I am sooooo
over him, it was hard seeing his name.
I
tried to decide what to do. I have no feelings for him, none
at all. I've moved on - he was just a blip on the ECG of my
life in fact, I feel more for the paper towel dispenser than
I do him. That's how over him I am ! So with that in mind
I was going to call him. Very civil, very brisk "Hey
Jeff, there's some mail here for you! Hope you and Kathy are
well. Give my love to Dylan!" Instead I ripped it into
a million pieces put it in the sink doused it with some lighter
fluid, watched it burn then flushed it down the toilet all
the while wishing they'd send him to prison for ignoring his
bills.
After all, I'm not a mailman.
August
16
12
more calls, same thing. I bounced it off Jenny and she said
the true or false questionnaire was the deal-killer.
I
was a model of patience as I explained the intricacies of
real estate to her but she wouldn't budge. "No offense
Jenna but there is no way I'd even tell you how much
I weighed and what's with the section on cheese?"
It's
not that she's right, I'm just in a hurry. Rent is due soon
and I think I might have to get rid of the pre-screen interview
in order to lure them here.
Actually
that's a brilliant idea. If see them in person I can size
them up more thoroughly.
Jenna, you're brilliant!
August
18
I
don't know why I listen to her. Four appointments, loser city.
The first woman smelled like she was cooking laundry, the
second had an attitude and said if she was paying half the
rent she expected to be able to use the bathroom anytime she
wanted. The third looked like a halibut and the fourth asked
me a lot of personal questions.
Why
doesn't anything go right for me? Three months ago I was on
top of the world. Beautiful new apartment, handsome successful
boyfriend and now...
Why?
I'm
kind, extremely intelligent, creative, very good looking -
some would say beautiful - if they were the type of people
who weren't all hung up on symmetry and junk.
Why?
Maybe
because I've received so many gifts, a higher power feels
I should experience misery in order to make it fair for the
rest of the world.
Sucks.
August
22
My
mother was really terrific there for a while but of course
it was just an act.
At
first she's all "Oh, honey! Why don't you take some time
to get yourself settled?" and now she's all "Oh,
for heaven's sake Jenna. I'm sure it's not necessary to take
a whole month off work to look for a roommate."
Hypocrite.
She's been on my back all day. I feel like walking out but
a) I need the money and b) If I don't get a roommate I'm going
to be moving back in with them and it would save a lot of
time and humiliation if I didn't have to apologize before
I brought the U-Haul.
I
AM SO MISERABLE.
August
25
Whooo
hoooo! Success!
Last
night I had five appointments, each worse than the last. I
was on the verge of jabbing my eyeballs out with a lemon zester
when Diana appeared.
She
is good looking (not better looking - good looking) and about
my height. She weighs about 15 pounds less than me but I figure
I can fatten her up so we can trade clothes. Her style of
dress is quite elegant which would suit me fine as I'm multifaceted.
Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to turn her onto more funky
fashions that we both could wear.
She
works in public relations and has actually met P.T. Anderson!
I don't actually know who that is but the way she said it
he sounded pretty important. Her job sounds really glamorous
although I'm not sure what exactly it entails but the minute
she mentioned her family's summer home I thought "Bingo!"
I
wanted her to move in so bad I decided to skip the bathroom
and kitchen restrictions.
This
is going to be soooooo great! She is really smart and really
sassy. Just like me. I can imagine us going to industry thingamajigs
and we'll be laughing. People will probably say things like
"Oh, here comes the Bobbsey Twins!" or Olsen twins.
I guess it depends on their age.
We'll
stay up late and watch old movies. We'll have slumber parties
in her room and talk about boyfriends. I was originally thinking
we could do it in my bedroom, but I hate crumbs.
She'll
meet my friends and express surprise "Jenna, no offense
but really you can do a lot better than that! They don't support
anything you do!" I will feel obliged to defend them
but secretly I will know she's right.
I'll
meet her friends and we'll have retro cocktail parties just
for fun. She'll need a hand at an industry thing and she'll
beg me to help her out. I will agree and be so good at it
that I'm offered a job with her firm. We'll take a few weeks
off and laze around at her parent's summer home. Her mom will
start to refer to me as her second daughter and I will start
to call her "mom."
This
is going to be sooooooo great!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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