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Jenna's
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January 2
Resolutions:
Stay in bed for rest of life
Never fall in love /esp. with
gay man
2003 sucks and I've still got another
364 days to screw up.
I'm not sure if it's shame humiliation
or heartbreak. Don't know if it matters. Hurt is hurt.
Every time I think of that night
and me parading around in my sexy getup trying to tempt him
I feel a fresh rush of shame.
OH, GOD.
January 3
I've been searching my mind for
signals I might have missed. He didn't offer to redecorate
my apartment or do my hair he didn't mince or lisp - All the
things that TV teaches you to look our for. He would compliment
me on my appearance often but then again Mr. Van Heusan does
that a lot. Oh man, maybe my mother is in the same boat as
me!
I swallowed my pride and phoned
Jenny to tell her what had happened and thankfully she was
shocked. She said there is no way in a million years she would
have guessed.
That made me feel a lot better,
I'd hate to think that everyone suspected except me. Then
she said the stupid things that people in a happy relationship
say, don't dwell on it, move on, plenty of fish in the sea,
he's not worth it, on and on.
I made her promise not to tell another
living soul. I'd be mortified if this got out.
January 4
I can't even look Diana in the eye.
When she came in with Furio New Year's Eve/Day I was sprawled
on the couch in my tarty underwear hysterically crying into
the cushions. She asked me what was wrong but I couldn't tell
her because she probably would have said something like "Oh."
I wouldn't have been able to bear that. I'm sure I must have
looked like an idiot standing there in my garters with big
streams of snot running out of my nose but I can't think of
that right now.
A part of me, a very tiny part of
me, the teensy part that wasn't annihilated noticed Furio
looking at me appreciatively but that's another thought I've
got to put in storage.
Rod has left several messages, he
sounds really upset which is a consolation but I just can't
talk to him.
I was on top of the world a week
ago and now I'm destroyed. We were so perfect together! I
could honestly see me growing old with him and that's big
because up until now I hadn't planned to grow old.
All I've done is watch TV and eat.
And eat and eat and eat. I wish I was one of those people
who can't swallow a morsel when they're upset but I'm not.
Grief makes me hungry. As does happiness, stress and depression.
So far today I've had:
Half
box of shortbread cookies
Two bacon sandwiches
Jar of honey roasted peanuts
Six Turtles
I litre Diet Coke
1 Party Pack Doritos
1/2 Hawaiian Pizza
Other half Hawaiian Pizza
Piece of toast with light peanut
butter
It's only one o'clock in the afternoon.
The only thing I've done today
is eat and write out this list. Maybe that will be my thing.
Eating and making lists. I'll be the kind of person who has
to have a wall removed to go to the hospital and the room
will be littered with lists. I'll die and as they clear out
my room they'll read the lists and remark on my brilliance.
My friends will put the lists together so that they can be
read at my memorial service and a Hollywood producer scouting
locations will be in the church that day. He'll see the piano
crate/coffin hear the lists and become intrigued. He'll make
a movie reminiscent of "A Beautiful Mind" and the
whole world will mourn my passing and Rod will throw himself
off a bridge.
January 8
Rod came over.
Oh, God it took me completely by
surprise. I was watching Celebrity Mole Hawaii and
eating fudge when I heard a tiny knock and there he was standing
in the doorway!
I hadn't washed my hair in a week
I had on a pair of shredded woolen Cozy Tozees that for some
reason always twist around so it looks like I've got club
feet. My comfort bathrobe is a nylon/terry combo that feels
warm but makes me smell like a yak. Damn Diana! I wouldn't
have ushered Furio into her room if she looked like wrung
out dishcloth. Well maybe I would have, but I would
have had a good reason.
He was so upset he didn't seem to
notice what I looked like - which of course just figures.
He said that he hasn't slept, he feels terrible, he had no
intention of misleading me that he thought I was fresh and
funny and that he really loves me, then of course he had to
throw in the "F" word: FRIEND.
He rambled on about conflicting
feelings since the age of 13, early flirtations, fear, denial,
desire, blah, blah, BLAH. Then there was the clincher: He'd
been having a relationship with Tabetha his roommate, for
over five years (a hetero one obviously) he'd just broken
up with her prior to meeting me and then he met....
Kris.
Kris The Bun King Bear, the guy
from the bakery commercial I was so thrilled to be in the
company of when we went to La Creole.
I didn't even fit in there. It wasn't
Tabetha, Jenna, Kris. It was Tabetha, gay, Kris. So what I
get out of that is he meets me, three weeks later he's gay.
Punch me in the stomach.
I told him I could not figure out
why he'd waste time on me since I obviously didn't figure
into his life at all. He said it wasn't true I was important
to him. I asked him if he cared for me and he said that he
adored, me he really loved me. I pressed further and got him
to admit that we might've been able to get together if it
hadn't been for Kris. Then he said something about how hard
it was for him and he kept wailing "I am so confused!"
Yeah, well join the club. He yammered
on and I ate a pound of fudge.
January 10
My mom is driving me crazy. Now,
now she wants to know about my life. Now she
wants to know about my relationships. There is something complete
perverse about her. When I was sailing and happy with Rod
did she want to know? NO. But now that I am in the depths
of despair, the pit of misery she wants to know. It's like
she sees a scab and just has to pick it. I will not let her
get the better of me I told her everything is fine JUST FINE
and then she asked me if I was excited about my course in
web design.
I told her that Mr. Van Heusan was
gay and took an early lunch.
January 13
OH MY GOD THIS IS HUGE!
I phoned Irene because she is another
of love's losers and I figured at the very least she'd understand.
I started out with "Irene, you'll never guess what's
happened!" and she said Jenny already told her.
I'll never trust Jenny again! Irene
expressed sympathy and then because she is the most selfish
person on the planet turned the conversation round to herself
even though mine is the fresher tragedy. When I finally got
the conversation back to where it should be (on me)
we analyzed Rod's visit (which is what Jenny should have done
but she didn't because her happy relationship has made her
forget how these things work) and Irene said in a stop-the-presses-voice
"Jenna, did Rod say 'I was so confused' or did
he say 'I am so confused' ?
I told her that I remembered clearly
that he kept saying "I am so confused."
Irene pointed out that if f he'd
said he was so confused that would mean that becoming
gay settled everything and made him happy but if he said I
am so confused it means everything is not settled and
that he could be in the middle of making up his mind!
THIS IS HUGE! I can't believe I
overlooked that! If he'd been having mostly hetero relationships
right up until now then maybe this is just a blip on the radar.
The armour he wears in the show is very tight maybe it strangled
some sort of vein leading to his brain and I think there has
been documented studies involving a lack of riboflavin that
can lead to a change in sexual preference (or was it rickets?
- no matter!) This is far from over - why did I give up so
easy when Rod was practically begging me to change his mind
, his repeated cries of "I am so confused" were
lifelines that I ignored.
Wow. Maybe 2003 isn't going to be
so bad after all!
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