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Jenna's Diary appears biweekly
May 16
I've got eighteen pairs of black
pants.
Wow. That's a lot of pants.
May 16
Is cumin supposed to be red?
I just don't know. If it isn't it
means my spices have turned or the jars are mislabeled. Either
way it's a nightmare.
Well, I just can't think about it
now because I have to exfoliate before American Idol comes
on.
May 18
I'm glad Ruben won although if he'd
been a 400 pound woman I doubt he would have stood a chance.
Clay looks like a puppet to me and
his mascara is on too thick. I think that's why he keeps winking-
the goop is gluing his eyes closed. He looks exactly like
a Punkinhead doll I used to have. For the life of me I just
can't figure out why all those girls are going nuts for him.
Maybe it's because the rest of the viewing audience is 12.
Personally I only watch the show for one thing: Simon. I've
developed such a crush on him! I think it's even more
intense because it's doomed as tonight is the season finale.
Unlike my old crushes Al Pacino
and George Clooney, I could really see me and Simon together.
I can imagine us going out places and having a ball criticizing
things. I can see us going over to Jenny's for dinner and
after everyone complimented her on the meal he'd say something
like "I'm afraid I don't agree, it was awful. Simply
dreadful."
I'd be all Paula Abdul but secretly
I'd agree with him and everyone would hate him and love me
more.
Damn, I finally find the perfect
man for me and I'll never see him again! Oh well, it was good
while it lasted.
May 20
Joel, this guy who works at Alfredo's
might be my new crush.
He's a teensy bit younger than me
but really gorgeous. He's got sandy brown hair that keeps
falling into his eyes and then he flicks it out with a totally
babe head swish.
I think he likes me too because
as he scanned a can of refried beans he said "Cooking
Mexican?" which you wouldn't say to someone you didn't
like. Now that I think about it, he was obviously hinting
for an invite. Damn. I wish I'd picked up on it.
Jenny and Irene would eat their
gall bladders out with envy if I showed up with Joel! I could
just see them rolling their eyes and grinning "Oh, that
Jenna!" then they'd beg me for all the salacious details.
My mom of course would be a problem because she is my mom.
She'd make remarks about robbing the cradle blah, blah, blah
because she doesn't know what it is like to have pure animal
attraction but it doesn't matter because I'm just working
on a crush / fling right now I really do not want to get involved
with anyone.
I've had two lousy relationships
this year, two the year before and two the year before that
and I've had it. I'll just take my fun where it can be found,
footloose and fancy free.
God, I'll have to make it clear
to that guy Joel because the last thing I need is some kid
mooning over me and Alfredo's is the closest grocery store
to my house it would be really inconvenient to go somewhere
else.
May 21
I called Irene to see if she wanted
to go out and do something and she did everything but spit
flames through the phone!
It seems she's mad because I told
Jenny she's an alcoholic. I apologized and told her that I
was only looking out for her best interests but she said "Yeah,
right!" and hung up on me.
Honestly. Some people are hypersensitive.
If I was a drunk I think I'd appreciate my friends staging
an intervention! Well, as long as I knew about it ahead of
time and agreed to it.
I'll give her some time to cool
off then I'll call her and smooth things over. Irene's been
a friend of mine for twenty years I can't let the friendship
end over something so stupid. Also she's the only single friend
I have right now.
May 22
We did scenes from Kramer vs.
Kramer last night and I was excellent but somehow I don't
feel as good as I used to about the class. I'm actually a
little disillusioned by David. Since we started he's been
raving on and on about all the "greats" he's shared
the stage with but tonight he brought his photo album in and
it was really depressing. Page after page of David standing
with his arm around celebrities like Hershel Bernardi, Jamie
Farr and Scott Baio. These are the greats he was talking
about?
I'm disappointed but I don't want
to jump to conclusions. Maybe the greats are in gilt frames
on his piano.
I also noticed the smell of booze
on his breath. Not a huge wino smell but a very faint now-and-again
waft. Now I'm all for drinking to get through work, but that
combined with his overall seedy appearance makes me think
his acting career hasn't gone as well as he'd have you believe.
Anyway I did a scene with Ali and
David said we were great, that we had a lot of chemistry.
We were first so instead of having my soul destroyed by watching
Leon butcher a scene from Dog Day Afternoon I amused
myself by imagining me and Ali doing it - he is definitely
a crush prospect. I could do a lot worse. He's sort of good-looking,
elegant, he's a nice dresser and seems to have money. He's
got a bit of a paunch and a tiny bald spot but I can overlook
that now because I'm not looking for the father of my future
children.
I decided to get to know him better
and after class I said I asked him if he wanted to grab a
drink and he said he'd love to. Unfortunately the rest of
the class including David thought it was an open invitation
and the next thing you know we are sitting in Leon's favourite
restaurant Mr. Bluejeans where the customers are called Pardners,
the tables are called campsites and the wait staff are hired
hands. Blech.
David ordered a double scotch and
the rest of the class ordered things like ice-cream sundaes
and mile-high pie and seemed to be overcome by their wickedness.
It was like being out with a bunch of really old gir guides.(
Ali ordered a Cosmopolitan thank God!)
David basically held court, dropping
names left right and centre, It was kind of embarrassing because
he was dropping names like Don and Gary and we were left to
wonder if it was Rickles, Adams, Knotts, Cooper, Sinise or
Coleman
I can't believe I was impressed
by this guy. He is so definitely a never was. After about
half an hour I couldn't take anymore and told them I had to
be up early. Ali excused himself as well and offered me a
lift.
When we were in the car Ali asked
me what I thought of the class and while I hemmed and hawed
trying to think of a diplomatic thing to say he said "I
think I just threw 700 bucks down the toilet."
It really took off from there. We
went for coffee and had a great time savaging everyone in
the class and doing wicked impersonations of David. We had
a riot!
Wow! One week two crushes and 18
pairs of pants.
Not bad at all.
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